Candlelight Dinners are for Ugly People – Justin Hanks

Candlelight Dinners are for Ugly People

Justin Hanks

You eat steak at a steak dinner. You eat turkey at a turkey dinner. What the hell do you eat at a candlelight dinner? I’m sorry, but I’ve recently developed a hatred for candlelight dinners. They’re stupid, and, consequently, they’re now on my list of “things that make you go derp” – along with dancing Santas, fannypacks, and anything that spews out of Donald Trump’s face-hole.

Normally I love romance. I’m the most romantic person on the planet. My ideal date consists of walking on a beach where the water is 90% chocolate and 10% strawberries… and 10% roses… and 100% unicorns. There will be no math on this date.

But I draw the line at candlelight dinners. Candlelight dinners were created by ugly people. Think about it. The true reason why they’re “so romantic” is because you don’t have to see the person sitting across from you.

The whole concept is offensive. If someone invited me to a candlelight dinner, I’d immediately assume they were calling me hideous. It’s like, “Hey, honey; we’re eating in the dark, because your face looks like a deformed baboon’s ass.”

And while I’m at it, why is candlelight still around? Do people actually rely on it? Candlelight isn’t very practical. Eons have passed since the invention of candles. Now we have light bulbs – a much brighter idea.

Candles don’t make it easier to see anymore. Move on. If you must use a candle, use it to enhance a different sense; because candles at least make it easier to smell.

Wait. Hold up. Candles improve bad odors. So now, not only is my date telling me I’m fugly, but he’s also hinting that I smell like cat piss. Damn. Could it be my cologne? Do I sweat too much? Perhaps I should try that new Britney Spears perfume. What was it called again… BelieveFantasyTrailer Park Mystery?

Getting back to the point, no good comes from Candlelight Dinners. They’re insulting, inefficient, and even a safety hazard. They truly are dangerous. I mean, what if, say, because there’s no real light in the room, my partner accidentally knocks over a candle? Well golly; nothing says I love you like a face full of fire.

If my boyfriend burned his face off, there’d only be one way I could look at him again… we’d be having candlelight dinners for eternity.

135 Responses

  1. Ben says:

    It's not a race Justin!

    Your blog made me laugh. I AGREE, CREATED BY UGLY PEOPLE. They ought to bring it into the 21st century – maybe use torches??

  2. Spike says:

    hey there
    this is site is just amazing
    you can eat anything on candlelight xD

  3. Alya says:

    Hmmmm sorry *wiilll you forgive me*!
    I wrote about your blog in the second comment 😀

  4. nnie says:

    Thanks 😀

    Haha oh my god . I think candlelight dinner is stupid too =/ I'm not a romantic person tehee.

  5. Mary says:

    Upgraded LOL. You make yourself sound like softwear, where can I downoad you. 😛 I'll defiantly upgrade even though i'll have no link exchanges :(.

    I knew all those chick flicks would harm me somehow.

  6. Mary says:

    *high fives* thanks yet again. Affiliates are more my firends and I keep in contact with them and a link exchange is just someone who has my link and I have theres. Like just a advertising oppurtunity.

    What you wrote about candlelight dinners is funny I never thought of them like that. I always thought candles were sorta like aphrodesiacts. Weird i knhow 😛

  7. Rachel says:

    Lol "redesigning" eh? xP

    Oh I don't know, it just seems like you see them everywhere (everywhere = in movies). Oh, want to get the girl? Want to make up with her? Surprise her with a romantic candlelit dinner. You "can't" have a romantic dinner without the candlelight. See what movies do to us? 😛 Cliché I tell you! xD

  8. Rachel says:

    Haha! I totally would if you know it didn't involve cleaning xD

    Once again, hilarious blog! Completely true as well; I never understood why candles automatically make a dinner romantic. Plus it's SO cliché.

  9. Alya says:

    your blog is sooo hilarious! lol 😀

  10. Alya says:

    I update my blog once a week, sometimes twice a week…
    Btw, how are you? What are you up to??

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My name is , and this website is devoted to my many hobbies. From writing and web development to theater and cosplay, I'm always up to something. I haven’t been myself ever since I was born.


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