Happy New Year, You Drunk Bastard – Justin Hanks

Happy New Year, You Drunk Bastard

Justin Hanks
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New Year’s Eve is the time for new beginnings. It’s the time to start fresh and forget about your mistakes. It’s the time to get your shit together.

To do this, we makes resolutions. Some plan to visit church and pray for renewed relationships with God. Others vow to make positive changes in their personal lives; such as losing weight or vanquishing bad habits. Some even promise to quit drinking… with a glass of wine in hand.

For about 24 hours, it’s all pretty inspirational. This will be the year. It will actually happen. I will become a hero. I’ll motivate others. I’ll end up on Oprah.

Yet once the clock strikes midnight, it’s all over. All hell breaks loose. We suddenly resort to bloody savages. All our inspirational goals, and sometimes our underwear, are thrown out the window. We ring in the new year by getting drunk, destroying furniture, passing out on strangers’ beds, and then ultimately waking up the next morning spooning a bearded woman named Helga.

None of it makes any sense. Why do we sabotage our lives with such bizarre behavior? Was no one listening to me? I said it was time to get our shit together… not time to shit in a sweater.

We never learn. Every year, we want a New Year’s Eve we’ll never forget, and then we drink so much we can’t remember it.

We ruin such a great holiday, and it’s a damn shame. I love New Year’s Eve. It’s my guilty pleasure. Unlike Christmas where I’m forced to celebrate with relatives, New Year’s Eve is a chance to celebrate with people I actually enjoy celebrating with.

But I don’t like everything about this time of year. Some of the rituals are a tad bizarre. Why must we beat the crap out of pots and pans, gawk at terrorist explosions in the sky, and watch a giant ball descend?

We’re watching balls drop. I mean, I understand that we’re celebrating age and maturity, but do we really need a literal representation of puberty?

I was thinking of making a New Year’s resolution myself, but I thought, “Why tamper with perfection?” Instead, I’ll just wish you all a safe night out. I hope you remember me in the morning.

122 Responses

  1. Rachel says:

    "Watch balls drop…" that's genius, gotta say >.<
    I'll get around to it…sometime… >.>

  2. lol@ the mom thing 😮
    my resolution is to roll around in a mountain of money 😀 hehehe. *grins*

  3. Meaghan! says:

    It's a japanese food :0
    It's really yummy 🙂

  4. Mizzy says:

    "why tamper with perfection?"

    Yep, I got a kick out of that part, too. Haha!

  5. Willian says:

    Hey.
    Well, I hate making resolutions… I never follow them, but I want amazing things for 2009!

    About the poem on my blog, Carlos Drummond de Andrade wrote that, he's a brazilian poet, I forgot to put his name there. I'm glad you liked it.

    Would you interested in affiliates? Just let me know.

  6. Meaghan! says:

    Lol nice XD I also made rice balls smileys 😛

    I don't bother with making New Year's resolutions because I never follow through with them xD

  7. Gillian says:

    Lmaoo thanks alot xD Does it snow in Ohio ?!
    Regardless, i would totally dump snow on your driveway too 😀
    Btw loving the confetti background haha.
    LMAO, omg your blogs always make make me laugh really hard, but thats so true! The New Year is suppose to be a time to make resolutions yet everyone seems to enjoy getting wasted.
    Haha tell me about "bizarre rituals."
    We just have to accept that our world is a messed up place 😀
    Hope you have a fab new year! 🙂

  8. Minteh says:

    "Why tamper with perfection?"

    LAWLZ >.<

  9. Celeste says:

    Your articles never fail to amuse me! Yeah sometimes there's a lot of ironies and satire in resolutions itself. Well as they all say leopards can't change their spots overnight, and I definitely won't forget you. I even featured you in my other personal blog!

  10. Chelley says:

    My new year's resolution is to lose weight.. that's not a bad thing. I'll definatley remember you in the morning. Maybe when you wake up you'll be cuddled next to me.. but I won't be a bearded old manly woman named Helga..

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My name is Justin, and this website is devoted to my many hobbies. From writing and web development to theater and cosplay, I'm always up to something. I haven’t been myself ever since I was born.

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