Was that a Sneeze? Bitch, Please! – Justin Hanks

Was that a Sneeze? Bitch, Please!

Justin Hanks

I’ve come to the conclusion that everybody in the world hates me… Or everybody in the world is deaf… Or both. Yup, that’s it. That’s the only possible explanation. The planet is full of hearing-impaired jackasses that don’t care about me. It’s a Deaf Jam Justin Slam.

Why, you ask? Well, for as long as I can remember, no one has ever acknowledged my sneezes. I never get a “bless you.” I don’t get “gesundheit.” Hell, no one even asks if I shat myself.

I suppose people have told me “bless you” before… just not for sneezes. Trust me, I’ve done other sinister things to warrant the lord’s blessings. One time I got in a fistfight. One time I was a bully at school. One time I called everybody on the planet hearing-impaired jackasses.

But that was long ago. I’m an innocent little angel now. I deserve better. When I get sick and start sneezing all over the place, I demand to be comforted. Quit giving me the common cold shoulder.

Whether it be at work, at a friend’s house, or even at Chuck E. Cheese (they serve beer now), please pay attention to my nose burps!

Okay. Fine. Perhaps you don’t all hate me. Perhaps you’re not all deaf. Maybe you’re just confused. I can understand that. I’ve been told my sneezes don’t always sound like sneezes. Sometimes they sound like roars. They can be loud, aggressive, and even scary… but this is all the more reason why you should ask me if I shat myself.

My sneeze has two parts to it. Phase One is the attack. It often sounds like the noise an ostrich would make if it stepped on its own neck. It has a “gawwwk” sound that literally makes birds fly into glass windows.

Phase Two is the half-a-second mixture of every animal mating call at once. It starts low and ends about two octaves higher. An astute listener might even hear what sounds like a car engine running on peanut butter. As the sneeze subsides, it jiggles away like Elvis is hound doggin’ up in my nose.

I asked my boyfriend to describe the overall experience, and he put it best when he said, “It sounds like somebody’s shaking a weasel.”

So there you have it. I shook the weasel. I’m a no-good weasel shaker. I probably made some little ferret somewhere an orphan.

That poor ferret. I’m ashamed. I’m guilty of a truly terrible sin. Unlike regular, innocent sneezes, my sneezes are atrocities that require divine intervention. I actually deserve to be told “bless you” more than anybody else ever.

So please bless me. Save me from this downward spiral. If things don’t change soon, when I die, I won’t even get into Hell. I’ll have to go someplace worse: Kmart.

81 Responses

  1. Stephine says:

    I’m not sure what your comment even ment 😐 Lmao. And I can’t wait for the surprise either 🙂

    LMAO! Wow. You come up with the most amazing blogs ever. GIVE ME SOME COOL IDEAS 🙂 Hahaha. No, just kidding. How do you think all of this stuff up? You are hilarious.

  2. Meaghan says:

    Haha nice. How much are you worth then? =P

    Sneezes :0 I hate sneezing. I sneezed like a million times this morning =/
    My sneezes are always heard whether I like it or not D:

  3. Evtiff says:

    wow sneezes? lol thats cool though. haha is it like really quiet and high pitch? i dont sneeze a lto to figure it out lol and awwe i hope you get your respect. and uhh its all sexual realated (what he asked)

  4. Rachel says:

    Hahaha, awesome sneezes xD I know this girl whose sneezes are… well I can’t even describe them. But whenever she sneezes, everyone always laughs at her 😛 And one of her teachers was like “Jenny, you don’t have to hold it in. WAIT. THAT’S HER NATURAL SNEEZE??”

    Ahh K-mart, bad bad place. Though Walmart actually scares me… the number of creepy-looking/seeming people who shop at the one by me is HUGE. Argh.

  5. Lillie says:

    yes i am (: smartie bo bartie. but i have to change the tones and the shapes a little. stills takes a while 😮

    the flowers from scratch tho. i just cant perfectly vexel ppl 😛

  6. Gillian says:

    Im creepy ?!?! Oh no you didnt.
    Yeah i would think those are reasonable precautions to take.

  7. Minteh says:

    Wow, not even in CHUCK E CHEESES?! :0
    That’s cruel.

  8. Gillian says:

    Lmao oh Justin.
    You and pee.
    Its an unbreakable combo.
    Your sneeze sounds pretty lethal.
    Cant even imagine the havock that breaks lose when youre sick ! ;o

  9. Mizzy says:

    I heard somewhere that people in the olden days used to think that something happened to make you sneeze, therefore they said, “God Bless” in order to keep your safe or something. I wouldn’t know, I’m not religious in the least.

    Anyway, I’m sure your sneezes aren’t that bad. In fact, my husband sneezes 15 times in a row *every time*… Yeah.

  10. Gillian says:

    Lmao yes not on new years though.
    Jsut on random occasions when i dont mean for it to happen but it does. xD
    Wow scary sneezes eh ? Dont worry i know this one girl .. when she sneezes we think someone got shot cause it sounds like the highest pitched scream ever.

    She actually gets in trouble by teachers .. but then we have to back her up and say thats just her natural sneeze hehe.

    Justin, you have my complete respect .. just know that. 😛

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