Was that a Sneeze? Bitch, Please! – Justin Hanks

Was that a Sneeze? Bitch, Please!

Justin Hanks
3 Shares

I’ve come to the conclusion that everybody in the world hates me… Or everybody in the world is deaf… Or both. Yup, that’s it. That’s the only possible explanation. The planet is full of hearing-impaired jackasses that don’t care about me. It’s a Deaf Jam Justin Slam.

Why, you ask? Well, for as long as I can remember, no one has ever acknowledged my sneezes. I never get a “bless you.” I don’t get “gesundheit.” Hell, no one even asks if I shat myself.

I suppose people have told me “bless you” before… just not for sneezes. Trust me, I’ve done other sinister things to warrant the lord’s blessings. One time I got in a fistfight. One time I was a bully at school. One time I called everybody on the planet hearing-impaired jackasses.

But that was long ago. I’m an innocent little angel now. I deserve better. When I get sick and start sneezing all over the place, I demand to be comforted. Quit giving me the common cold shoulder.

Whether it be at work, at a friend’s house, or even at Chuck E. Cheese (they serve beer now), please pay attention to my nose burps!

Okay. Fine. Perhaps you don’t all hate me. Perhaps you’re not all deaf. Maybe you’re just confused. I can understand that. I’ve been told my sneezes don’t always sound like sneezes. Sometimes they sound like roars. They can be loud, aggressive, and even scary… but this is all the more reason why you should ask me if I shat myself.

My sneeze has two parts to it. Phase One is the attack. It often sounds like the noise an ostrich would make if it stepped on its own neck. It has a “gawwwk” sound that literally makes birds fly into glass windows.

Phase Two is the half-a-second mixture of every animal mating call at once. It starts low and ends about two octaves higher. An astute listener might even hear what sounds like a car engine running on peanut butter. As the sneeze subsides, it jiggles away like Elvis is hound doggin’ up in my nose.

I asked my boyfriend to describe the overall experience, and he put it best when he said, “It sounds like somebody’s shaking a weasel.”

So there you have it. I shook the weasel. I’m a no-good weasel shaker. I probably made some little ferret somewhere an orphan.

That poor ferret. I’m ashamed. I’m guilty of a truly terrible sin. Unlike regular, innocent sneezes, my sneezes are atrocities that require divine intervention. I actually deserve to be told “bless you” more than anybody else ever.

So please bless me. Save me from this downward spiral. If things don’t change soon, when I die, I won’t even get into Hell. I’ll have to go someplace worse: Kmart.

81 Responses

  1. Gillian says:

    Lmao yes not on new years though.
    Jsut on random occasions when i dont mean for it to happen but it does. xD
    Wow scary sneezes eh ? Dont worry i know this one girl .. when she sneezes we think someone got shot cause it sounds like the highest pitched scream ever.

    She actually gets in trouble by teachers .. but then we have to back her up and say thats just her natural sneeze hehe.

    Justin, you have my complete respect .. just know that. 😛

  2. Mizzy says:

    I heard somewhere that people in the olden days used to think that something happened to make you sneeze, therefore they said, “God Bless” in order to keep your safe or something. I wouldn’t know, I’m not religious in the least.

    Anyway, I’m sure your sneezes aren’t that bad. In fact, my husband sneezes 15 times in a row *every time*… Yeah.

  3. Gillian says:

    Lmao oh Justin.
    You and pee.
    Its an unbreakable combo.
    Your sneeze sounds pretty lethal.
    Cant even imagine the havock that breaks lose when youre sick ! ;o

  4. Minteh says:

    Wow, not even in CHUCK E CHEESES?! :0
    That’s cruel.

  5. Gillian says:

    Im creepy ?!?! Oh no you didnt.
    Yeah i would think those are reasonable precautions to take.

  6. Lillie says:

    yes i am (: smartie bo bartie. but i have to change the tones and the shapes a little. stills takes a while 😮

    the flowers from scratch tho. i just cant perfectly vexel ppl 😛

  7. Rachel says:

    Hahaha, awesome sneezes xD I know this girl whose sneezes are… well I can’t even describe them. But whenever she sneezes, everyone always laughs at her 😛 And one of her teachers was like “Jenny, you don’t have to hold it in. WAIT. THAT’S HER NATURAL SNEEZE??”

    Ahh K-mart, bad bad place. Though Walmart actually scares me… the number of creepy-looking/seeming people who shop at the one by me is HUGE. Argh.

  8. Evtiff says:

    wow sneezes? lol thats cool though. haha is it like really quiet and high pitch? i dont sneeze a lto to figure it out lol and awwe i hope you get your respect. and uhh its all sexual realated (what he asked)

  9. Meaghan says:

    Haha nice. How much are you worth then? =P

    Sneezes :0 I hate sneezing. I sneezed like a million times this morning =/
    My sneezes are always heard whether I like it or not D:

  10. Stephine says:

    I’m not sure what your comment even ment 😐 Lmao. And I can’t wait for the surprise either 🙂

    LMAO! Wow. You come up with the most amazing blogs ever. GIVE ME SOME COOL IDEAS 🙂 Hahaha. No, just kidding. How do you think all of this stuff up? You are hilarious.

  11. Nini says:

    Meh… PHP includes are confusing at first :s and yup, they’re like a miracle XD

    Sneezes oh sneezes. Once I sneeze, it has to be like, 5 or more times in a row. :S

  12. Regina says:

    People never bless me after I sneeze, but my explanation for that is that they don’t care enough. 😛
    As to your comment: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/William_Butler_Yeats – this is the guy that’s making me cry. 🙁

  13. Asterid says:

    Um….gesundheit?

  14. Kay says:

    aww you poor baby…I mean…susan?!
    Bless you then 😀

    hmm, my sneezes are actually sort of girlly (well duh I am a girl) they’re just…like achoo.

    noo, they just think that when people sneeze (used to think in like the old old old days) that you’re soul came out..so like you know, if god blessed you then you would be fine 🙂
    don’t ask me how I know these things.

    K-mart? what’s so bad about k-mart?

  15. Nnie says:

    Lol~ I don’t knowww , I’ve bought the dvd though.
    Aha, thank you!
    Anywayyy . How are you?

    ~ people never bless me after I sneeze, too.

  16. Pocci says:

    Yup, ‘weed’. It was sad and funny. xP

    I sneeze all the time and people give that look, like wtf. And I’m like don’t you bless me? ==”

  17. Viki says:

    ahha my friend shes like
    ‘no one told you because, sweetie everyone already knew’
    another guy insisted upon swearing
    ‘because it’s a fucking disney moving’ o-o
    alrighty, thats cool.
    yeyaw.
    disney movies are like convering raisins in chocolate you never see it comming 😛

  18. Nat Marie says:

    ROFL! I need to show this entry for people who think that I sneeze weirdly. My sneezes can be heard from outside, and they sound like a barking chihuahua. I kid you not. They don’t even say “bless you”. They ask if a dog is in the house.

  19. Shauna says:

    I’ve been told by many that I have a “mouse-like” sneeze. Profs will even stop in the middle of lectures to inform me of such. x_x

  20. Mario says:

    LMao, my sneezes are beastly too!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Sup dude? 😛

  21. Monica says:

    God Bless You then xD
    Bahkkk is a chicken isn’t it?
    I can’t believe your sneezes worry you xDD
    I heard that people only say bless you because your heart stops or something haha…

    Well the only problem with my sneezes …hmmm I make a really funny face. haha

    Yep. Ice cubes forhead…That makes 2 of us lol.

  22. Leann says:

    Haha, what a wacky post 😛 I’ve only heard someone say ‘God bless you’ once…. or else its just bless you. When I was little though I thought it was ‘bleshu’ as in one word, so I would go around saying that 😛 And to answer your question… I think I’ve had oatmeal everyday since I posted except for new years day 🙂 although, im trying to change it up by trying different flavours and adding cinnamon etc. !!

  23. Chelley says:

    Haha, nice blog Justin.

  24. Nnie says:

    not good…not bad, though.
    weird, haha~
    I made prank calls and such
    Omg silly me. Lol

  25. Nnie says:

    I weren’t drunkkk of coursee~
    I called my friends. And pretended like a boy~
    Lol
    And she said if she loves me omg that was so funny coz I’m a girl DUHHH~

  26. Nnie says:

    But she loves the boy, not me.
    Ha-ha~
    I’m not a lovely person. :p

  27. Dylan says:

    ha. Thanks. It takes awhile to produce the stuff though. Anyway, what’s up?

  28. Ben says:

    I would dread my personal life blogs actually. I have one coming up involving the same personal I ranted about on my last one which was about amonth ago. Heh.
    BLESS YOU JUSTIN FOR THE NEXT TIME YOU SNEEZE.
    My mum has weird sneezes. She doesn’t choo, she just goses AAA and we’re like…

  29. Dylan says:

    Still trying to wake up. lmao.

  30. Claire says:

    hahaha kmart is worst then hell? lol! rotf

  31. Stephine says:

    Kind of weird. It’s like the size for a 3 year old 🙂 Much, much better than raping the laptop pad though.

  32. Kaylee says:

    There are no K-marts in Canada anymore D:

    Oddly enough, I just sneezed. And no one was around to hear it and wish for God’s blessing on me. You might not be the only one going to K-mart, then…

  33. Rachel says:

    Scared now! xD
    I wouldn’t know, I’ve never watched Twilight Zone.

  34. Jo says:

    Hey 🙂
    haha, thanks. I don’t know why I bothered making that ‘resolution’ anyway, I will fail within 2 days when I go back 🙂
    nice layout too lol.

    haha, sneezes are weird. i hate it when i sneeze, because sometimes i sneeze really weird, like without opening my mouth, and sounds like i’m blowing up. or something.
    😀

  35. Gillian says:

    -Hugs back- Its been okay, pretty ordinary just like any other year so far, what about you ?

  36. Jill says:

    Aw wow, that really stinks. I love sneezing and I love when people ‘bless’ me, makes you feel good, lol. I know this one kid that says ‘bless you’ every SINGLE time someone sneezes. You should so meet him. lol

  37. Meaghan says:

    Lol yes she is 😀

    Only 3 cents? :0 Has anyone bought you yet

  38. Viki says:

    pfft.
    you just know it,
    genius B)
    I mean who doesn’t love chocolate covered raisins
    -crickets-

  39. Hakeem says:

    me too. my sneeze is kinda weird. and about the ‘God Bless You”, As far as I know, is so that all the bad things from you will comes out. 🙂

  40. Rachel says:

    Lol, suppose so.
    Ugh, I’m so mad at myself right now… I’m supposed to be working on something for econ, but instead I just watched a bunch of anime, and now I can’t make myself work anymore D:

  41. Asterid says:

    I tried expert last night and ended up staring at the screen in disbelief. Is ANYONE that good? There’s no way.

    Resident Evil is about zombies….

  42. Minteh says:

    Well, winter break is ENDING. D=
    Crowd: -le gasp-

  43. Gillian says:

    Lmao yes im sure. I think he was too much of an idiot to even know anything swedish not like milk powder actually means ass face in that language. xD
    You know what .. i will ! Twilight = <3

  44. Minteh says:

    Yes, tomorrow.
    :0 Showoff.

  45. Stephine says:

    You’ve got me so lost.

  46. Lani says:

    Lol if only, but I’m afraid Panda’s don’t exist in such wonderful proportions. If they did though… I dunno… I’d probably marry it lol. And thanks heaps! (:
    And wow, maybe everyone just wants the devil to crawl up your nose and take your soul?? I mean… nothing major haha. And ahhh!! K-mart! (‘nough said lol).
    Anyways, thankyou for starting my day off with some randomness in this post and Happy New Year!

  47. William says:

    I couldn’t notice changes in this new year yet. I hope things get better for me, 2008 was great, but 2009 will be better, won’t it? lol How about your’s?

    Ooh, I hope you get better soon!

  48. Gillian says:

    Holy crap do you hate Twilight that much ?!?!

  49. Kyah says:

    God bless you. (:

    That’s quite interesting, your sneeze. I thought most sneezes sounded pretty similar.. But I’m not sure if there’s anything similar about your sneeze and the average sound of someone sneezing.

    I’m interested in knowing why people say god bless you when you sneeze, I may actually research that at some point in my life.

  50. William says:

    ‘Finally’ should be just for the movie hahaha lol I changed the text =D

    Thanks.

  51. Noelle says:

    Wow. That sneezing disease is quite the condition. I really hope you’re able to recover some day and recieve your first “God Bless You!” lol.

  52. Lillie says:

    LOOOL!
    god bless you susan 🙂

  53. Minteh says:

    It’s been 2 weeks. XD

  54. Gillian says:

    aweeh !
    Maybe its cause you’re not a vampire.
    which is weird cause ppl should be scared of vampires but they love the ones in Twilight.

  55. Rob Marie says:

    LOL! I have an uncle with one of those trademarked loud-as-fuck sneezes… it always worries me that he’s gonna detach his nose or something whenever he sneezes!

  56. Meaghan says:

    Nah. Maybe when you’re worth more than 3 cents XD

  57. Jessa says:

    Ha, I’m sorry your sneezes aren’t getting the recognition they deserve! I always try to acknowledge a sneeze, even weird ones. Although that tends to backfire, when I say a “god bless you” to someone who looks at me weird and responds with, “I didn’t sneeze… that was a cough.” Woops. People usually poke fun of my sneezes because they say I sound like a mouse. Apparently people don’t actually say “aCHOO” when they sneeze… except me. Go figure.

  58. Shauna says:

    Just letting you know that… you’ve been tagged! 😛

    http://agirlandhercat.com/2009/01/04/im-it/

  59. Aaron says:

    Happy New Year, the reason I am not writing that much is because of some personal problems. I’ve been just having a rough time lately. It’s just complicated; no one wants to listen to that.

  60. Shellz says:

    Wow, that’s deep…lol
    Reminds me of my grandma’s sneeze, you’d think she was dying, lmao

    p.s. glad you like the project, it took me about 4 or 5 hours. 😀

  61. Jhase says:

    I’m sorry, but I must disagree with your ending statement.

    There is a far worse place than K-Mart. It is called Wal-Mart.

    The descriptive form of Hell, with Satan lurking in his chair Hershey Bars and a monstrous cackle of what sounds like a possible evil life, minus the choking and premature gurgle that roars out instead.

    No, K-Mart is the inter-between before you reach Wal-Mart. There, you are subdued to much worse.

    Like the arrival of Barney and Friends….

  62. Miss Dre says:

    I think most people produce different sounds when they sneeze. It’s weird, eh? But I think the sound of yours, the way you’ve described it, is something I have never heard before. 😛

  63. Chrys says:

    Awwh, that’s a shame about your sneezes scaring everyone. We have a girl in our class (who I swear is going to be an Olympic runner someday, but anyway) and she has the cutest little sneeze ever. It’s like a little mouse 🙂 Hahhaa. Really adorable.

    I love Cops & Robbers too 🙂 It’s amazing. Hahhaa. Better than hide-and-go seek. I don’t like that game, it confuses me.

  64. Mary says:

    LOL guess what?? I survived its a miracle!!! I didn’t kill anyone but I got a few urges to kill my oldest cousin 😛 It wasn’t as bad as I was expecting it to be.

  65. Asterid says:

    I heard the newest underworld movie won’t have Kate Beckinsale in it. Which is a little silly. She must have become too expensive.

    Guitar Hero on expert? I just can’t think that fast. I should start paying attention at work to the people playing the demo. Some of them probably play on expert.

  66. Ben says:

    Doctors scare me. Not as much as dentists. Ours wears scary snadals and he keeps barking randomly. 😐

  67. Dylan says:

    Yeah. Probably this morning before i took meh shower. ha. So, what’s up?

  68. Kay says:

    haha okay, pardon me then.
    We don’t have K-Marts over here so I wouldn’t know (canada)
    but we do have wal-marts…is that the same-ish?

    Martha? I’m so outta of it..

  69. Justin R says:

    Justin.. you over-think everything. I love it. lmao
    Um, it was once thought that a sneeze were evil spirits exiting the body, so we said God Bless You to clense your new evil-less soul.

    Yeah. Oddness.

    Ah, well..

    PS: God Bless You

  70. Gillian says:

    LMAO.
    Im pretty sure the girl ones DID NOT have chest hairr ! 😐

  71. Dylan says:

    What type of lines?

    And right now I’m working on one of meh many homework assignments.

  72. Gillian says:

    Oh geez lmao.
    ANYWAYS, leaving the chest hair aside, whats up ?!

  73. Gillian says:

    That sucks. Memorizing lines for what ? Im not up to much, just listening to music and msn-ing.

  74. Mario says:

    Meh, it’s ok. I started school again today. x_x

    What about you?

  75. Zach says:

    Haha. Yeah, Excited… xD

  76. Gillian says:

    Oh cool. Sounds awesome, but hard. Wish you the best of luck !

  77. Mario says:

    Ohhhh, for what? 😀

  78. Erica says:

    my moms sneezes are sooo funny. I’m glad I didnt inherit them.

  79. Bella says:

    omg ! your layout is totally the bomb ! 🙂

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

About

My name is Justin, and this website is devoted to my many hobbies. From writing and web development to theater and cosplay, I'm always up to something. I haven’t been myself ever since I was born.

Stay In Touch

Enjoy what you saw? You can follow me on social media if you feel like it. You can also stuff mashed potatoes up your nose if you feel like it.
© Copyright 2012 - 2017 Justin Hanks, All Rights Reserved.