Oh Snow You Didn’t! – Justin Hanks

Oh Snow You Didn’t!

Justin Hanks

Outside of work, you will never see me wearing pants. I hate the way they look. I hate the way they feel. I hate the way the formfitting materials make me twerk by mistake.

It’s no secret that I have a big ol’ man booty. Pants make it even bigger. I simply don’t look right wearing pants. I don’t care if they’re slacks, capris, or even sweatpants. When my butt has drapes, it takes new shapes.

But no, I don’t go outside wearing no pants. I’m not that creepy. I’m not “Winnie the Pooh” creepy. I simply wear shorts instead of pants. I like to wear shorts! They’re comfy and easy to wear!

For whatever reason, shorts don’t accentuate my badonkadonk. If anything, they make it disappear. People look away from it. I don’t know why it works, but it does. Perhaps it has something to do with my intimidating, Hulk-ish legs.

There’s only one problem with wearing shorts every day: winter. When it starts getting chilly outside, I’m forced to choose between looking plump or getting hypothermia.

For this reason, I despise winter. I don’t want anything to do with it. I don’t want snow. I don’t want mittens. I don’t want the movie Frozen. No Anna, I don’t want to build a f***ing snowman. I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, and sippin’ on margaritas.

Why can’t the weather remain constant? Why must it get so cold? I wish global warming would hurry up already.

Winter is lasting longer and longer each year. This past year, we had a snow day in April. Yes, April. I never would have guessed there’d be freezing temperatures in the springtime; yet on that day, when I peered out my window, it looked like Frosty the Snowman had exploded in my driveway.

I was in disbelief. I turned on the TV to watch the forecast. As the weatherman described the situation, weird questions rushed through my mind. Is this an April Fools joke? Does the News Channel air re-runs? Are we stuck in a giant snow globe, and some idiot keeps shaking it?

Looking back, I have no words to describe that day. I do, however, have a ton of obscene gestures.

Surprisingly, I tried my best to stay positive. After all, at least I didn’t have to go to work. I decided that maybe I should give winter a second chance. I needed to embrace it with a festive activity. After assessing my options, I chose to go sledding.

I put on some shorts, grabbed some friends, and ventured to the local park. Unlike my buddies, I had never gone sledding before. Hell, I had barely done anything in the snow before. I was super nervous.

I placed my sled at the top of the hill and took ten steps back. My plan was to get a running start for maximum speed. Unfortunately, as I jolted forward, I lost my balance and missed the sled. I went tumbling down the hill like a ragdoll. As I flailed around gasping for air, snow flew up my shorts and gave me frost-crotch. For the grand finale, I belly-flopped into the snow and completely vanished.

On a lighter note, it was probably the best snow angel I ever made.

107 Responses

  1. Jhase says:

    Hahaha, very nice. Don't feel bad, I've never been sledding myself.

    By the way, I'm totally allowed to ignore my site. I can't do stuff to it when I'm on a break at the best friends house. That would be just rude.

  2. Regina says:

    I've actually never gone sledding either, even though winter lasts like half a year where I live. 😛 We had a "snow day" too this week, but I was home anyway because I had already finished all my exams.

  3. Nini says:

    Omfg snowwww. Me likey.

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Steamboat_(food) That's steamboat. :p

  4. Vincent says:

    Haha thanks.
    I know, I've been moving around sites so many times 😛

    Aww, you're so lucky, as I live in London we're lucky to get snow once in two years. Pollution has totally killed it.

    I've never been sledding, the only sort of sledding I've done, was sitting on a mattress and sliding it down the hard wooden stairs.. it was fun, but it hurts like hell 😛

  5. Esme says:

    I wish that it snowed here.
    It doesn't ever snow where I live =(

  6. Alya says:

    hahahaha thanks!
    Lucky you. At least it snows where you live. In Dubai it does not snow at all. I want snooowww.
    It sounds that you had a great day sledding.

  7. Kaylee says:

    That sounds like an epic snow angel! I love snow days, and I'm glad you got the change to go sledding.

    I'm more interested in a video of you stepping on your arm 😉

  8. Andrea says:

    I would have totally paid money to see you miss that sled! Where was Nate with the video camera then?!

    BTW, I totally looked at my comments and was like, WTF? Who the heck is biscuit? lol

  9. Meaghan! says:

    Haha nice 😛
    Hm, I have no idea, do you wanna be? Cause I'll add you if you okay it XD

    OMG. I love Frosty! :] I'm not a morning person either, i HATE it. I have to wake up at 6:50 every morning D: What a drag.
    Awwwww. Are you feeling any better? I've never belly-flopped into anything before =/ But it looks hella painful.

  10. Felisa says:

    How come you get to go sledding (well, at least you tried) and I have to do calculus problems (when I'm also not awake)? Not fair!

    I tried making a snow angel last month (when we got about a foot of snow) but the snow was too powdery and too deep, it was so hard to get out. I ended up wiggling my way out and the angel looked like it had the ghettoest booty ever!

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