Crappy Birthday! – Justin Hanks

Crappy Birthday!

Justin Hanks

I might have Herpes.

Okay not really. I don’t have Herpes. At least, I don’t think I do. I only said it because I wanted to get your attention. And boy, did I ever! You were all like, “OMG WTF AM I READING” and I felt judged, and it was great.

Anyway, I do have something similar to Herpes. Like Herpes, what I have is unwelcome and typically goes unnoticed. I forget about it until it pops up and surprises me every year. It’s unpredictable, it causes pain, and it’s highly contagious. Sometimes I just wish it would go away forever.

I’m talking, of course, about my birthday. And be careful. Just from reading this, you might have one too.

So why am I using an elaborate metaphor to compare the aging process to genital warts? Frankly, I think it’s a fitting comparison. I absolutely detest birthdays. I think they’re awful. And since today is my birthday, you’re not allowed to disagree with me.

But seriously, I hate them. As I get older, they frighten me. I don’t want to be reminded that my days are numbered. I don’t need to know how few years I have left on the planet. Yet for some reason, you all want to celebrate my upcoming death. Do you hate me that much?

Birthdays aren’t a big deal. Sure, living on Earth gets harder and harder with each passing day, but is it truly worthy of a celebration? I can understand throwing a party if someone passes the average life expectancy, but celebrating when someone turns 12? What’s so special about that? It’s expected. We were all born on a day. Congratulations for being average.

And all the birthday traditions are so bizarre. Do I really need a cake every year because I was expelled from a uterus?

Do I really need to blow out candles and make a wish? It’s not like the wishes ever come true. When I was a kid, I wished for telekinetic powers like Matilda from the Roald Dahl book. I thought it would be cool to move things around with my mind… but alas, no psychic powers for me.

In retrospect, I’m glad the wish never came true. If it had, I’d be super lazy. I’d be about two hundred pounds heavier and not alive to “celebrate” this day.

But I digress. The concept of sticking candles in a dessert is bizarre and unsettling. I mean, who was the sick asshole that decided to celebrate life with a safety hazard?. When I was a kid, I couldn’t run with scissors or hold a knife… but sure, pass me the flaming death cake.

Ugh. I truly hate that I’m getting older. If I must acknowledge it every year, I should at least put a positive spin on it. I’ll start making it fun and exciting. From now on, I’ll start saying that I “leveled up” like in a video game.

Unfortunately, instead of getting power-ups or amazing Matilda-like abilities, the only “perk” I get each year is increasing lower back pain.

140 Responses

  1. Jay says:

    Oh yeah.. HAPPY BURFFDAY. XD

  2. Jay says:

    Reading this, I will never think of a birthday or herpes the traditional way again.

    Haha, so now you're going to have gray hairs, including areas where the sun don't shine and you're going to be begging your friends to go with you to BINGO night.

    Okay, I'm kidding.

    I never make much of my 'disease'. I usually do nothing. With all of my nothingness, I can tell you I have a cure for everyone's herpes. Death.

    Then you'll never have that "outbreak" ever again.

  3. Jhase says:


    Don't worry, since I can't get you telekinesis for a gift. I'll get you a bag of herpes, and a side order of Syphilis to make your day better. XD

    Happy Birthday, dude.

  4. Minteh says:

    =0 well, you might be one of those peeps who live longer after all.
    How old is the ipod anyways?

  5. Rachel says:

    Happy Birthday!! 😀

    Haha, my best friend ALMOST forgot my sixteenth last month (exactly a month ago today ^.^). She didn't say anything all morning, but I didn't say anything to her, because I wanted to see if she would remember. So then, at the start of third period, at 10:55, she goes, "is today the 21st?" me: yes. her: Happy Birthday!

    So I spared her the bruises xD

    Anyways, hope you get lots of awesome presents~ 🙂

  6. Shellz says:

    haha, I thought you were serious at first about having an infection, you actually got me on that one. =D HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!

    wow, the more birthdays you have the longer you live? well that's a give, lmao. Each birthday you go up an age, so yeah. xD I've always wanted to be like Matilda…for a while, but now I'd want to ability to read minds, then life would be so much easier, haha.

  7. Brent says:

    Happy birthday Justin ._.
    I forgot this girl I really like's birthday
    And well lets just say
    It hurt.

  8. Fia says:

    Oh, Happy Bday! Have a good one. =)

    I wanted to have telekenetic powers as well, which was caused by the tv series Charmed. lol xD It was a long time ago.

    Whenever my bday is fast approaching, I want to hide and run away from it. I mean, who would want to get a year older…. again?

  9. Kyra D. says:

    Wow, 19! =D in 10 years, you'll be turning 29 o.o
    Well, in 10 years, I'll be 24 DX how weird.
    I don't really understand the whole 'Birthday' process o_O
    "Today's the day you came into the world. Here are some presents, and now let's eat cake with flaming sticks stuck into it! WHOOHOO!" =X

    -hands imaginary present- Enjoy~

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