Automatic Coupon Dispensers – Justin Hanks

Automatic Coupon Dispensers

Justin Hanks
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Please don’t bring your small children to the grocery store. I’m serious. I understand that they’ve ruined your life, but heaven forbid anyone else try to enjoy their time out.

Keep them at home. Get a babysitter or a cage or something. I don’t want to see your obnoxious brats throwing canned soup down the aisles. I don’t want to hear them fussing and screaming for a brand new Barbie doll. I definitely don’t want to discover their used diapers in the bathroom stalls.

There are no exceptions. If you think your son or daughter has never misbehaved, you probably have the worst one.

When I was a kid, I was terrible. I hated shopping so much. All I wanted to do was stay at home and play with my Power Rangers. As soon as we’d get to the store, I’d deliberately piss off my mother by running in and out of those self-opening doors. And once that got boring, I’d start pushing grocery carts at the doors to trigger the sensors. It got violent. One time, I almost killed a guy.

It didn’t stop there. Being the chunky child that I was, I often threw tantrums for Chips Ahoy cookies. I’d sneak all sorts of tasty snacks and candies into my mother’s shopping cart. On occasion, she would buy me treats without even realizing it.

Looking back, there was only one thing that kept me calm and quiet at Target. And no, it wasn’t duct tape or Ritalin. My kryptonite was those automatic coupon dispensers.

The Automatic Coupon Dispenser was the greatest toy ever invented. Kids raced to those things like June bugs to Bug Zappers. When I was a youngin’, I’d be absolutely mesmerized by those blinking red boxes of splendor and wonder. I’d rip out coupons and throw them around like confetti.

Unfortunately, as the years went by, the dispensers got smarter. No, they weren’t quite at Skynet level, but speaking from experience, they were definitely smarter than a fifth grader. Using high-tech sensors and timers, they no longer dispensed multiple coupons at once.

I was devastated. I was destroyed. I needed that extra coupon. I needed that extra twenty cents off of Rogaine. No, I wasn’t a balding twelve year old. I just wanted the satisfaction of pulling that damn coupon.

Oh well. At least I still had my previous coupons. And trust me, I had quite the collection. My favorite was a coupon for a free “female enhancement” product. To this day, I have no idea what it was supposed to enhance. And frankly, I don’t want to know.

Clearly my relationship with automatic coupon dispensers was a tad unsettling. Why was I so obsessed with them? Why did we share such a strong connection? Perhaps I was a coupon dispenser in a past life.

Yup, that explains everything. In my past life, I was an automatic coupon dispenser. I spent my days hiding in grocery store aisles. As families came by, I’d unsuspectingly flash them and shoot my load. Kids loved it. They’d get pleasure from having something to play with.

Yikes. That sounded awful. On second thought, maybe I was a pedophile in my past life. Maybe I was Michael Jackson.

Yup, that explains everything even better. I was definitely Michael Jackson. Don’t rule it out because we were alive at the same time. We actually weren’t. The real Michael Jackson died long before I was born. Record labels didn’t want to lose money, so they replaced him with a random white girl. Hence the appearance.

I should have given her my female enhancement coupons.

108 Responses

  1. Swetlana says:

    I like my boys nice, but still a lil bit bad. Not like the dumbass I described in my blog, but just a different kind of bad.. I don't know how to describe xD

  2. Dontravious says:

    I've never seen them where I live at so I wouldn't know XD.
    I always got pulled from the computer or from a book or anything I was doing to go grocery shopping with my mom and WTF?! ARE FEMALE ENHANCERS

  3. Heather says:

    Oh my gosh. I used to be OBSESSED with those coupon dispensers!!! To this day, I cannot enter a grocery store without managing to get, like, twenty coupons. Haha. I've become a pro with the motion sensors. ;]

  4. Marianne says:

    I don't think I've seen a coupon dispenser where I live before, but it sure sounds fun. 😀

  5. Lee says:

    Haha! I want a Pink Power Ranger toy, funfunfun.
    I've never touched nor seen a coupon dispenser, is it really that awesome? I'm jealous. 🙁

  6. Georgina says:

    Oh that's so not fair. I have never even heard of a coupon dispenser, seen one, touched one. T__T what have I been missing out on all this time… ? 8D

  7. Rachel says:

    Ahaha dude, I always loved those coupon dispenser things! I would always take them, and then get told by my mom to put them back in the little plastic thingy on top. But I had this one little tote bag at my house where I would keep old expired coupons that my grandma would give me 😛 I played store with them! Twas fun. -_-

  8. Taversia says:

    Oh man, I remember those days myself… I would do the EXACT SAME THING. x) I miss those things… Chances are, if I ever saw one in a grocery store, I'd probably have a relapse and tear it from its dispenser all dramatic-like. LOL. Speaking of Power Rangers, I'd even sometimes pretend I was one while I was doing it. 😛 Hell yes.

    Ahh, the good ol' days… <3 hehehe

  9. Lauren says:

    We don't have those in grocery stores in the UK! But I go to the US a lot because all my family went there. The first time we went to the grocery sotre, my brother and I had a competition to see who could get the most coupons. He got yelled at too 😛

  10. Sean says:

    I totally was the same type of kid. haha. When they started with the motion sensors I would try and trick the machine and just casually walk by it. I would get all into it and actually act like I was shopping, thinking that the machine would know if I was faking it. Like, "Oh…is he shopping? Wait…NO! He is lying! No coupon for you!"

    I would also act like I was shopping when employees would notice what I was doing. I would just circle around the isle each time, trying to be smooth. I hated when they would run out of coupons. Boo on that. It should be endless damn it. Just like this comment!

    <3 loves

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