Automatic Coupon Dispensers – Justin Hanks

Automatic Coupon Dispensers

Justin Hanks
3 Shares

Please don’t bring your small children to the grocery store. I’m serious. I understand that they’ve ruined your life, but heaven forbid anyone else try to enjoy their time out.

Keep them at home. Get a babysitter or a cage or something. I don’t want to see your obnoxious brats throwing canned soup down the aisles. I don’t want to hear them fussing and screaming for a brand new Barbie doll. I definitely don’t want to discover their used diapers in the bathroom stalls.

There are no exceptions. If you think your son or daughter has never misbehaved, you probably have the worst one.

When I was a kid, I was terrible. I hated shopping so much. All I wanted to do was stay at home and play with my Power Rangers. As soon as we’d get to the store, I’d deliberately piss off my mother by running in and out of those self-opening doors. And once that got boring, I’d start pushing grocery carts at the doors to trigger the sensors. It got violent. One time, I almost killed a guy.

It didn’t stop there. Being the chunky child that I was, I often threw tantrums for Chips Ahoy cookies. I’d sneak all sorts of tasty snacks and candies into my mother’s shopping cart. On occasion, she would buy me treats without even realizing it.

Looking back, there was only one thing that kept me calm and quiet at Target. And no, it wasn’t duct tape or Ritalin. My kryptonite was those automatic coupon dispensers.

The Automatic Coupon Dispenser was the greatest toy ever invented. Kids raced to those things like June bugs to Bug Zappers. When I was a youngin’, I’d be absolutely mesmerized by those blinking red boxes of splendor and wonder. I’d rip out coupons and throw them around like confetti.

Unfortunately, as the years went by, the dispensers got smarter. No, they weren’t quite at Skynet level, but speaking from experience, they were definitely smarter than a fifth grader. Using high-tech sensors and timers, they no longer dispensed multiple coupons at once.

I was devastated. I was destroyed. I needed that extra coupon. I needed that extra twenty cents off of Rogaine. No, I wasn’t a balding twelve year old. I just wanted the satisfaction of pulling that damn coupon.

Oh well. At least I still had my previous coupons. And trust me, I had quite the collection. My favorite was a coupon for a free “female enhancement” product. To this day, I have no idea what it was supposed to enhance. And frankly, I don’t want to know.

Clearly my relationship with automatic coupon dispensers was a tad unsettling. Why was I so obsessed with them? Why did we share such a strong connection? Perhaps I was a coupon dispenser in a past life.

Yup, that explains everything. In my past life, I was an automatic coupon dispenser. I spent my days hiding in grocery store aisles. As families came by, I’d unsuspectingly flash them and shoot my load. Kids loved it. They’d get pleasure from having something to play with.

Yikes. That sounded awful. On second thought, maybe I was a pedophile in my past life. Maybe I was Michael Jackson.

Yup, that explains everything even better. I was definitely Michael Jackson. Don’t rule it out because we were alive at the same time. We actually weren’t. The real Michael Jackson died long before I was born. Record labels didn’t want to lose money, so they replaced him with a random white girl. Hence the appearance.

I should have given her my female enhancement coupons.

108 Responses

  1. Sean says:

    I totally was the same type of kid. haha. When they started with the motion sensors I would try and trick the machine and just casually walk by it. I would get all into it and actually act like I was shopping, thinking that the machine would know if I was faking it. Like, "Oh…is he shopping? Wait…NO! He is lying! No coupon for you!"

    I would also act like I was shopping when employees would notice what I was doing. I would just circle around the isle each time, trying to be smooth. I hated when they would run out of coupons. Boo on that. It should be endless damn it. Just like this comment!

    <3 loves

  2. Lauren says:

    We don't have those in grocery stores in the UK! But I go to the US a lot because all my family went there. The first time we went to the grocery sotre, my brother and I had a competition to see who could get the most coupons. He got yelled at too 😛

  3. Taversia says:

    Oh man, I remember those days myself… I would do the EXACT SAME THING. x) I miss those things… Chances are, if I ever saw one in a grocery store, I'd probably have a relapse and tear it from its dispenser all dramatic-like. LOL. Speaking of Power Rangers, I'd even sometimes pretend I was one while I was doing it. 😛 Hell yes.

    Ahh, the good ol' days… <3 hehehe

  4. Rachel says:

    Ahaha dude, I always loved those coupon dispenser things! I would always take them, and then get told by my mom to put them back in the little plastic thingy on top. But I had this one little tote bag at my house where I would keep old expired coupons that my grandma would give me 😛 I played store with them! Twas fun. -_-

  5. Georgina says:

    Oh that's so not fair. I have never even heard of a coupon dispenser, seen one, touched one. T__T what have I been missing out on all this time… ? 8D

  6. Lee says:

    Haha! I want a Pink Power Ranger toy, funfunfun.
    I've never touched nor seen a coupon dispenser, is it really that awesome? I'm jealous. 🙁

  7. Marianne says:

    I don't think I've seen a coupon dispenser where I live before, but it sure sounds fun. 😀

  8. Heather says:

    Oh my gosh. I used to be OBSESSED with those coupon dispensers!!! To this day, I cannot enter a grocery store without managing to get, like, twenty coupons. Haha. I've become a pro with the motion sensors. ;]

  9. Dontravious says:

    I've never seen them where I live at so I wouldn't know XD.
    I always got pulled from the computer or from a book or anything I was doing to go grocery shopping with my mom and WTF?! ARE FEMALE ENHANCERS

  10. Swetlana says:

    I like my boys nice, but still a lil bit bad. Not like the dumbass I described in my blog, but just a different kind of bad.. I don't know how to describe xD

  11. Merete says:

    Hi justin. how are you? omg, the videoes with your friend is really cool. keep up that work 😉 peace.

  12. Lee says:

    Thank you!
    I thought the same, but I ended up dancing to it and playing it on the speaker with the highest possible volume on my birthday. xD

  13. tiff k says:

    Hey thanks for the drop! hahaa

    Lolz I never had that experience. I guess I was such a boring kid inside the supermarket! lolz haha. Or we don't have that here.

    haha lolz at your explanation of how MJ is now. Poor poor man. 🙁

    tc!

  14. Georgina says:

    My friends just liked playing with fire a lot… so toilet paper looked like the way to go XD

    It was quite a big sorta kiosk though… hahaha, even a microwave and everything in there. *nods*

    2000 words is about 3-4 pages. Depends how small the font is, haha. :3

    Well, you know what's uber funny… my boyfriend's on a Dvorak keyboard and he goes "AOEUID". XD

  15. Jill says:

    Ah I totally remember those things, and I LOVED them too. Greatest things ever.

    And thanks 😀

  16. Gillan says:

    i never enjoyed grocery shopping too =))

    idk,somewhere in the middle of optmistic and pessimistic

  17. Georgina says:

    WOAH really? I would like to try a keyboard like that XD.

    I thought a kiosk was the best way to describe it. It's like a small building-thing and you just go up to the counter and buy. LOL. Because it isn't quite a cafeteria. At all. Because there is nowhere to sit, etc. 😛

  18. Axi says:

    Why couldn't my grocery store have that? That sounds so cool. Better than those money-eating 25 cent toy dispensers, which I believe now is about a dollar. Damn.

  19. Lee says:

    Sorry if that ruined your life. 😛 It really was the best experience ever.

  20. Georgina says:

    Hahha. 😉 you bet it is. XDD

  21. Cindy says:

    I got blamed for being loud, and mouthing off to the teacher and principal. It was stupid…

    Everything's okay, but next time I see him… lol.

    LOL. Female enhancement coupon.. ew.. ahaha.

  22. Sue says:

    Not sure how long it was, but the mini-maze area was only about 4-6 ft long. It only had bricks in the way to make up the "walls' 😛 Pretty simple maze, but it had to pick up a box and carry it to a "drop zone" and drop it there. I kind of wish we got there, but my team's robot kept running into the blocks, LOL.

    Oh man! I totally loved those automatic coupon dispensers as a kid. LOL. They were like.. the next best things in grocery stores.

  23. Mischa says:

    Those are very good points! Well we will see who is first when I have the form up 🙂

  24. Nnie says:

    I've never heard of that kind of thing…lol.

  25. Shur says:

    My grandma would need some of your coupons.

    And I was just joking about perez obv haha

  26. Shur says:

    Hey if I ever get famous I'll make sure you dye your hair hot pink a long with me so I can show the world Justin The Amazing BFF.

  27. Lee says:

    Oh. If you didn't try it, you should. Spread the word! I mean, the other word; not the bird word.

  28. Turhan says:

    Oh my goodness I'm Rofl-ing at the Michael Jackson thing! "He probably died in the eighties!" LOL!

    I don't particularly know what you're talking about with the coupon dispenser, but I do remember my favorite part of going grocery shopping (which is still my favorite part). Getting the meat and cheese samples in the deli section! 😀

  29. Lee says:

    Oh no. My bird!
    Did it taste good?

  30. Tin says:

    The only thing I enjoyed about groceryshopping are the candies I forced my parents on buying. XD I'm not familiar with automatic coupon dispensers, I don't think we have that here. :s those are very weird coupons you got. XD

  31. Merete says:

    yeah, I know xD I was just so pissed of msn last night. It didn't let me access. :@ I'm fine thanks.. and you`?

  32. Ben says:

    I never liked grocery shopping. The people at the checkout really scared me, STOP SMILING all I want to do is put my groceries in the bags and go home. 🙁 I get creeped out way to easily. XD

  33. Georgina says:

    Haha NO. XD. Well a joke is okay. But don't make fun of me, pleeeease *hold up hands in front of face*

  34. Merete says:

    ahhh xD what time is it ?

  35. Georgina says:

    Heheee :3 *hugs back* (I am actually in a poopy mood because my tutor is a pooface haha)

  36. Ben says:

    Yes, but they laughed at my amazing story – gutted!
    How are you?!

  37. Amy says:

    I am back, I tried to comment last night but the captcha would agree with what I put. :0

    This blog entry is hilarious. It wouldn't surprise me if Michael Jackson had been replaced by a white girl to get record labels money. 😛 They'd do anything to get them more sales.

    I've never used a coupon machine before. I liked going to the supermarket 'cause I get to play with the scanny machine. You could scan products yourself to see how much they were. I think it's still there actually. Kids love machines more than sweets. 😛

    You should have kept the enhancement coupon and sold it on Ebay. 😀
    xx

  38. Katie says:

    Hah I still enjoy food shopping these days! I remember always getting to bite some of the French bread and grapes whilst i sat in the trolley.

    That's hilarious rofl! What do they think you want to do with that coupon?!

    In my past life I was sooo a sloth.

    Bahah! I love the MJ comment.

  39. Amanda says:

    yea your right; at least the people who signed up I know would actually use it xD

  40. Sky says:

    Yeah, hopefully everything will go back to the plan and I will get to graduate here. 🙂

    Haha.. I never had coupon dispensers when I went grocery shopping as a kid. Although, now that I am tall enough to reach they they are quite irresistible.

    Female enhancement? What on earth? I don't really wnat to know, lmao.

    -Sky

  41. *jessi says:

    ahah i'msure she was just confused. this is her first EVER litter of kits that she's had.. hehe. so yeahh.

  42. Swetlana says:

    Hehe, I totally agree on that!

  43. Noe says:

    OMG! your video is SO funny! LOOOOOOL 🙂 i like RINontheROX but JUSTINontheROX is SO much funnier! hah. congrats to your friend too, both of you are the best 🙂 you're really good, you should make a program in TV! huhh. i also watched "womanizer" and i can't stop laughing!
    xx

  44. Jhase says:

    So you shot your load at little kids. Very nice! XD I was never fascinated by those machines, I was more happy to just walk through the automatic sliding doors and get on customers nerves who wanted to come in, but couldn't cause I was making the doors open and close that is the most fun.

    Wait, wait, wait, if you were Michael in a past life who the hell was your Tito?

  45. Kat says:

    we finish high school at 16 and then go on to sixth form college for 2 years until we're 18 then we go onto university. It's so confusing I know so I think that equates to going to college in America (using my gossip girl knowledge 😀 )
    LMAO yer it was a little exhausting haha
    lol I loved going shopping with my parents as a kid I always got new toys and things. I love going now I get things like clothes and perfume XD
    female enhancement coupons WTF?!!?!?!?!?! ahhaa

  46. mirandaa says:

    ugh. I guess I'm not the only one. xD. but you sure will be and IS better than me at sports.

  47. Stephine says:

    GAH. Boo for not going through. I wrote a cool comment and it didn't go through.

    I'm not walking at graduation cuz it's just not my thing.

    Woo hoo, coupon dispensors for the win!

  48. Cindy says:

    Nahh, I'm going to be a huge bitch to him, and probably get suspended. But I don't really care. But nothing too bad or I might get put into this class of students with anger issues.

  49. Dang! your website has a hot layout! makes me actually wanna view all the subpages and stuff

  50. Stepherz says:

    Automatic coupon dispensers? I don't think i ever saw those as i child, but suddenly I feel as though my child hood was deprived.

  51. Georgina says:

    Oh haha, here we call our teachers 'tutors' at university, pretty much. It's for one of these subjects where we have to do a bit of webdesign. O_O.

  52. vanessa says:

    I never really enjoyed going to the grocery store. Infact I hate it more now than I did when I was little. I still dont get anything..

    Anyway, this is the first time that I've been to you site and I must say that I'm impressed as shit. You layout is really nice and your about me page is the funniest thing that I've ever read. 🙂

  53. Shurv says:

    Oh you don't? great

  54. Lee says:

    Waffles are better than pancakes, I like the way they're toasted. 😛 Also, I'm going to incubate the bird's eggs; I'll care for them forever until they stop singing so I have the right to taste them!
    What songs do you normally sing?

  55. *jessi says:

    yeah, i wish it didn't happen like that. i had already fed her too! but she might've just been.. lazy? ugh. i feel so bad for those poor little kitties..

  56. Sky says:

    :O You meanie pants! I don't know what female enhancements are… DO YOU? :OOOO

    Haha, my spam code was HUWAH. Huwayy! Yes, I am lame.

    -Sky

  57. Kat says:

    yer it is a bit confusing haha and LOL i wasn't hahaha I just knew how to manipulate my parents XD XD XD

  58. Heather says:

    Aha, my brother is in this "lets torture Heather" phase. At times I find it amusing, but in other moments it drives me nuts. But I will find revenge!

    And thank you. 🙂 I think your writing is great as well.

  59. Stephine says:

    Hahahahah, I don't think I'd be too sexy for the others not to be noticed, haha.

  60. Danielle says:

    Haha. A random female girl in place of Michael Jackson? That's funny.^^

    The employees are purely 'unconstitutional', why would they prevent someone from having their products?

  61. Swetlana says:

    I am so damn awesome, you can't even imagine xD

    I am doing great! I just have to live without my computer right now.. which really sucks!

    How about you?

  62. Ben says:

    It was for those who didn't have your guessing skills, Justin 😉

    I am alright too, just a bit tired. I got up way to earrly thinking I had school. :|

  63. Merete says:

    Ahh xp Your summer is wierd? :O neeeh, I don't think soo xp sup?

  64. catherine says:

    Lol! I used to enjoy grocery shopping! What I enjoyed the most about it however was pushing the cart (me and my brothers used to take turns), I also enjoyed asking my parents to buy me stuff I'd seen in adverts xD

  65. Chrys says:

    CHIPS AHOY ARE AWEOMSE. I used to bug my mom for them too!! Haha.

    I dunno, I've never seen an Automatic Coupon Dispenser… I guess it's not a Hong Kong thing.

    Female enhancement product… Lol, I'm not sure even I want to know, lol. I hoep you burned that coupon… for your own safety (:

    HAHAHAHAH. What kind of bad things did you do as a automatic coupon dispenser to deserve life as a human?? Karma must hate you. I guess it was all the flashing… :O

    Your Michael Jackson story actually sounds quite plausible -.-

    Thanks for the congrats. I'm quite happy with myself for surviving High School. It's quite the acomplishment.

    And thanks for the compliment on the layout (:

  66. Amanda says:

    I don't know; I've had it happened to me; people ask me to make them a layout cause they're in desperate need of one; I make one; they absolutely love it and they never put it up; instead they take the coding and try to make their own and giving me no credit at all; ):

  67. Sonya says:

    ehh it's kind of like a poemish thing xD Thanks x]]

  68. Sonya says:

    seriously? automatic coupon dispensers… i've neverrrr seen one in my life D;;;

  69. Fia says:

    Ooookaaaaayy,. I feel like such a loser Justin! 🙁 I've never seen one. Heck, I don't even know if we have one here. LMAO =)))

  70. milu says:

    Huh…i wanna see that!! or maybe someday!

  71. Mimi says:

    I never had an obsession with automatic coupon dispensers, but I did like sticking my hand up those toy vending machines and stealing toys. Yes, I was one skinny and evil child >D

  72. Axi says:

    Awesome I love straight lacing too. Just tuck them under your soles. No hassles with tying! A major bonus when we are running late for something.

  73. Gel says:

    You know what sucks? I don't think we've ever had that kind of automatic coupon dispensers in our supermarkets before so i'm pretty ignorant when it comes to that kind of thing. Ack. Hahaha. Sounds like you had a pretty interesting childhood, Justin!

  74. Lillie says:

    OMG I USED TO LOVE PLAYING WITH THOSE 😀
    I used to run around the place with my younger brother to see how many we could get :3. I still had one of them laying around in the car and it was for a box of condoms. Too bad it expired three years ago o_o….

    You have fun blogs 😀

  75. Aly says:

    Lol, your blog cracks me up. Is that the point…to try to make everyone else pee a little too? 😉 I don't think we actually have/had automatic coupon dispensers here in Australia…we're a deprived country in many ways. 😛 They sound like they would have been fun though. Oh and I agree that Michael Jackson died in the 80s…well, at least his musical ability did, lol. Anyway, thanks for stopping by my site – mucho gracias. 🙂

  76. Bella says:

    You have a great sense of humour 🙂
    I hated grocery shopping when I was a kid, because I always wanted stuff I wasn't allowed lol.

    And the comment "boys are gay" in my post you commented on, I have a bad habit of calling things gay, and I do not mean it at all in a derogatory way towards gay people. One of my guy friends is gay, and he calls EVERYTHING gay, and thats where I picked that up.

  77. Lea says:

    aww, youre so lucky. i would've seen that but i have school, so it sucks.

    ahaha yup. tping is fun. i'd love to see the look on someones face when they see what happened to their house.

    lol, i'll follow you back

  78. Vincent says:

    PEDOPHILE! Get the burning sticks and pitchforks! Haha.
    Great to see your back again! You kinda vanished for a while :p

  79. lucy says:

    well, i dont actually know what kind of food, im hoping to find out tho! lmao :):)

  80. Lauren says:

    Yeah! It really is quite fun they are so adorable, plus they're fostered by my neighbor so it doesn't seem like they crave attention, like spoilt kids, they just love any bit of attention they receive, lol they really are so adorable.

  81. lucy says:

    im sure it will be normal buffet food 🙂
    i <3 cocktail sausages.

  82. Kayla says:

    Haha…I still play with those when I see them. I don't care if I'm 19. 😛

  83. Lucy says:

    marry someone in my family 🙂

    LOL!

  84. Lucy says:

    umm, im not too sure.

  85. Lea says:

    ahaha, suree.

    oh btw, female enhancers are boob enhancers. what else would they be for? lol

    really? its soo cute. you watch movies like 24/7, where do you find the time to do this? ahaha but i wanna see Up, i think im gonna see it tomorrow.

  86. Karee says:

    Your blogs are so hilarious! xD
    Grocery shopping is never pleasant when I have to do it with my folks….
    "NO KAREE! YOU CAN'T HAVE THE DOUBLE-CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES! LOW-FAT CRACKERS ONLY!~" Gah. D:
    And yes, female enhancers are boob growers; I think. 0_o

  87. chiui says:

    i dont remember playing with those things when I was a kid.. cause I always sleep in the grocery cart.
    yes! Michael Jackson is dead! hahahah lol!

  88. emma says:

    Haha, that's okay. 🙂 So how are you?

  89. tiffany says:

    hopped! haha 😛 thanks for the comment!

  90. Angela says:

    Thanks so much! 😀

  91. Lauren says:

    Haha, I wish I could get one, but – It's like.. you can hand them back when they poop.
    Lmao.
    I can't do baby poop or baby sick, so thank god I could hand 'em back when that happened o_o"

  92. nicole says:

    Haa.
    That was quite a lot of music for one blog, I never noticed that until now.
    White Lies was rather good, I did indeed enjoy it.
    And twitter-wise I shall totally stalk you back.
    And, also, I've never seen a coupon dispenser in my life. Never.
    I couldn't even hazard a guess at what that would look like.
    But by golly, they do sound rather fantastic.

  93. beckee says:

    OMGSH! The coupon dispensers!! lol OF COURSE ! lol i used to love just standing there and pulling out coupons – for what idk. lol and what ARE female enhancements for? … hmm lol

  94. Jay says:

    AMEN!
    i remember those beauties 🙂 i loved them to death. i started collecting them because i thought they were simply amazing.
    the coupons were pretty stupid though. some of the products on there, i never knew existed, but heck, those dispensers were heaven.

  95. Your blog is witty, funny and I enjoyed reading your posts, but why do you highlight certain words without them being links? is this for some sort of SEO tactic, or is it just for effect?

  96. kibumie says:

    I don't usually go to a grocery store with my mom, but when I do, I usually beg for coins to buy a toy from a vending machine or a chocolate. lol.. when I was a kid though.. 🙂
    your post was fun to read~

  97. Trevor says:

    Hahaha, this is most likely one of my favorite posts ever typed on the internet. Hilarious. Great writer :]

  98. Justin R. says:

    Yeah, I still like the pull the coupons out to date. 😛

  99. maryam says:

    hey thanks! xD
    lol, yeah! I LOVED THOSE. i loved it when the coupon would come out, and then you snatch it out, and then comes another LMAO.. 🙂

  100. Tasha says:

    LOL your blog made me laugh, haha. I have no idea what these automatic coupon dispensers are… I don't think we have them in England. :p haha, thanks for giving me a smile!

  101. Manda says:

    I loved those things!!

  102. EKa says:

    I remember those! They brought such joy to my life! My grocery store doesn't ave them though… I would run up to them, pull five coupons out and give them to my momma. "Here, go save 25 cents on Healthy Choice!" And don't even get me STARTED on the deli order numbers!

    Pft. Michael Jackson. I have a theory that he's "Biological" transformer. xP

  103. sarahc says:

    I too enjoyed those coupon dispensers. To this day I still like to peek at the coupon and pull it out even if I don't need it, haha. Let the store employees come after me if they are so inclined. =) I'm sure I can plaster on my bitch face, lmao.

    Did you drive around in your ice cream truck waiting for the kiddies and then kidnap girls and cut off their hands for your daughter so she could play piano? Wait.. that's a creepy movie and now I forget the name! Dammmmit.

  104. Courtney says:

    Well flying off is when there's so much force you let go even if you're holding on with everything you've got. Then you go underwater, and you hope you come back up..

  105. Iris says:

    Well the thing was I used to be a grocery kid specifically the pushcart-type of kid. I always loved pulling groceries off the shelves and surrounding myself in tin cans, packs and cartons.

    HAHA! Yeah you're so stalking me on Twitter, though I don't have an idea why you followed me in the first place. Btw, though I love the color red your blog is much darker for me. Mysterious-type eh? Anyway, thanks for commenting on my last post Justin!

  106. Sky says:

    ***COPIED AND PASTED**

    Hey Affie! I'm doing an affie check to make sure all my affies have me properly linked and still want to remain affies 🙂 If you do, please comment on one of my blogs by June 20th and you will remain linked.

  107. imaWAKO says:

    I AM LIKE YOU

  108. Niall says:

    Hey im Niall

    That's hilarious!!!

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My name is Justin, and this website is devoted to my many hobbies. From writing and web development to theater and cosplay, I'm always up to something. I haven’t been myself ever since I was born.

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