My Hurricane is a Boy! – Justin Hanks

My Hurricane is a Boy!

Justin Hanks
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Why do Hurricanes have names? I can understand giving names to planets, household pets, and maybe even male genitalia, but it makes no sense to give names to tropical storms.

Isn’t it a tad odd to be on a first-name basis with an evil whirlwind of doom? Hell, they don’t give names to tornadoes, snowstorms, earthquakes, blizzards, or any other natural disaster… So why not just say there’s a hurricane coming? That’d do it for me.

In the beginning, there were only female names. My guess is that angry men did all the naming — a bunch of losers who’d been in painful relationships and wanted to get even with women for reducing their lives to rubble (get it?).

These days, in order to be fair, they alternate the names of men and women. The current lineup for 2009 is Ana, Bill, Claudette, Danny, Erika, Fred, Grace, Henri, Ida, Joaquin (I have trouble saying this one out loud), Kate, Larry, Mindy, Nicholas, Odette, Peter, Rose, Sam, Teresa, Victor, and Wanda.

These names are too passive. Who’s gonna take a warning about Hurricane Rose seriously? She sounds like my grandmother. Same for Hurricane Grace. Nothing sounds more catastrophic than “GRACE.”

If they must name hurricanes, they should at least call them something scary. I’d be quicker to heed the warning for Hurricane Psycho-Killer-Demon-Possessed-Alien-Little-Kid-Zombie-Fleshed-Porcelain-Doll-Decepticon.

And with a name like “Fred,” you’d think the hurricane was a playful little puppy or a kindly Uncle. People shouldn’t be sympathizing with hurricanes. If scary names don’t work, why not use derogatory nicknames that better characterize their rude nature?

One year it might start with “Hurricane Asshole” and continue with “Hurricane Bitch” and “Tropical Storm Crackwhore.” This would totally liven up weather reports:

“Now Bob with the weather. Bob, it looks like Hurricane Dickwad is headed right for the Florida Keys.”

“That’s right, Jim. What a prick.”

If we adopt this naming convention, there are enough insults to last for decades. And if we ever run out, or just for variety, we could always switch to German.

129 Responses

  1. kitty says:

    Actually it makes more sence than naming male genetalia.

    But it is kinda 'cute' to say " Mindy destroyed my house". Altough tropical storm crakwhore is pretty cool too >_>

  2. Julianne says:

    haha I love your writtings, they're hilarious! It might also been funny to name them after terrible celebrities.

  3. Gillan says:

    dude i like your ideas on hurricane names.they should get your suggestions ^^
    anyway,i'm back!!!

  4. I know…can you imagine if we didn't sympathize with the hurricane. "Hurricane Ida, please don't tear the roof off. I just got it replaced last week." LOL!!!!

  5. Jhase says:

    Hahahaha! Yes, Hurrican Dickwad is a perfect name. You are right though. I do not understand the need to name a hurricane. I guess to classify them if there are a lot, but still the passive names and stuff, that much I don't get. I mean who would be scared of Hurricane Lulu? Now Hurricane Psycho Bitch, we'll talk about some fear then.

    Although, I'd be afraid of Hurricane Seacrest.

  6. Paige says:

    Hahahahaha!
    I never want to hear a hurricane with my name coming. That would just depress me.
    But, I don't have to worry about hurricanes, thank God. Just tornadoes, earthquakes and mines collapsing under my house. XD

  7. Beckii says:

    ROFL. You make a good point. Why /do/ we name hurricanes? If they're going to name them things like "Grace" "Rose" or "Ida" ( which all sound like old women ) they should at least warn us of hurricanes in a frightening voice. xD

  8. Lillie says:

    Why is there a name o_o. That's like, naming your printer "Princess". *cough* I couldn't think of a name.

    Hehe, I laughed a bit @ "Decepticon" :3. neeshdg. There should be a hurricane Lillie :D. People would take that one seriously ^__^

  9. Liesl says:

    Lmao. You have a good point here… They pick the worst names. Hurricane Rose? Hm, maybe they're trying to make them sound less intimidating or maybe they just like the names, haha. And Joaquin is a Spanish name; it's not that hard to pronounce 😉 haha. But I'm guessing they pick all types of different names since here in the US we have different cultures, names, etc. However, Rose and Grace would not be very good for hurricanes. "Hurricane Dickwad" is more like it, hahaha.

  10. Eka says:

    German would be appropriate for naming hurricanes. Anything in German sounds intimidating.

    They pick weird names. Odette? Ida? Joaquin?! If they ever get up to Joaquin, I think they should use Joaquin Phoenix's face instead of the normal hurricane symbol when they're tracking it on the weather channel. Just his head, spinning around in the gulf. Bwahahaha!

    Pft! Hurricane dickwad!

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