Enjoy Your Gifts or Die Trying – Justin Hanks

Enjoy Your Gifts or Die Trying

Justin Hanks
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Christmas movies make me laugh. They’re so cliche. Usually there’s a scene where a bunch of children flock down the stairs to see all their presents beneath the tree. Orchestrated with sappy music, the camera pans by the kids as they rip open box after box; revealing board games, Bratz dolls, and the occasional Mr. Potato Head. Parents watch adoringly. The whole world is full of happiness. Yuck.

I don’t know about you, but my childhood Christmases never looked that filmable. In fact, they were the opposite. Instead of running to the tree, first thing I’d do in the morning was hit the shed for a chainsaw.

You see, the thrill of getting a new toy was always ruined by that hard plastic clamshell packaging crap. You know, that impenetrable bubble stuff that’s always wrapped around electronics.

Trying to pry that shit open often resulted in injury; sometimes even blood loss. Christmas Eve was basically a day to prepare for the coming war.

In my day, I met some pretty defiant packages. I was forced to attack with scissors, pliers, a butcher knife, a razor blade, my teeth, and even a new born baby.

Yes, a new born baby. Rumor has it that kids can get into anything.

Trying to salvage my holiday, I recently looked into solutions and found a device called the Package Shark. I was so excited until I realized it was also wrapped in clamshell packaging. Le sigh.

Don’t get me wrong; I understand it’s to prevent theft. But when it takes you two days to get your purchase open, it kind of defeats the purpose. The worst part is when the clamshell is so tight around an item that there’s nowhere to poke without punching through the item itself.

A brand new pair of headphones should not come with a sliced-up wire and 17 complimentary dents in the ear piece.

According to the Consumer Product Safety Commission, 6,000 Americans are sent to emergency rooms each year with injuries caused by trying to open their purchases. What the hell.

There must be a better use for this technology. How about border patrol? We could use this stuff to build walls. I feel like illegal immigrants are getting into the country easier than kids are getting into their new Barbies.

Another thought: why don’t we use this stuff to make condoms?

In conclusion, I hate clamshell packaging. It’s pretty awkward when you want to return something, and it looks like it’s been attacked by a Rottweiler.

113 Responses

  1. Francine says:

    really? i never knew it was like grunge…i just randomly add lines around the celeb because it means to cant see my clumsy attempt at pngs….

  2. Shur says:

    I know my layouts get simpler and simpler. It's ridiculous how I keep falling in love with my layout. I have fantasies of them at night.

    Anyway just fyi, my christmas presents usually arrive 2 months earlier without any fancy clamshell wrapping. So I have yet to experience the attacked-by-a-rottweiler feeiling. 🙂

  3. Greg says:

    Aww i'm glad you like my affie buttons (:
    I didnt even think anyone would bother to even look at my site, let alone the content haha!

    Nothing much really just sittnig around the house waiting till 5 so i can get my hair cut!
    You?

  4. Brittany! says:

    wow. this has to be the most creavtive site i have ever seen. LOVE IT! :D:D

  5. Kinza says:

    I actually have a scar from trying to open something with clamshell packaging. I think it was a Tetris handheld video game, and I was like six. It bled a lot, and I still have the scar on my thumb to prove it.
    It's a BIG scar too.

  6. Jhase says:

    God, I used to just wake up with the scissors ready for the packages. You're right, on Christmas its not a time of family peace and loving. Its a time for waging war on the shell that holds your prizes.

    I've done it numerous time, teeth, sciossors, knifes, slamming it down. It's silly, at least make the shit easier for someone to get open. Good god, kids get pissy when they cannot rip it open automatically. You don't want a rally of toddlers outside your building ready to teeth you up for bad packaging.

    So yes, I concur with this. Clamshell Packaging is annoying and should be used for Condoms. =D

  7. Ben says:

    Your blogs are whacky, but at the same time funny. Where do you get your ideas? And I agree. :S

  8. Julianne says:

    I feel your pain! I can't believe those statistics though! Damn… And that would be one terrible condom to use!

  9. Grace says:

    I know what you mean! I sympathize!

  10. Beckii says:

    And I thought I was the only one who hated clamshell packaging with a passion. Honestly, I'll admit that I've almost been one of those 6000 americans due to my inability to penetrate a hard piece of plastic. So, you're right. Why not use it in wars? Or better, yet, for our border? It seems like illegal aliens are getting into the country easier than kids are getting into their new barbies.

    As to making it a condom, that would be one hell of a painful condom to use. xD

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My name is , and this website is devoted to my many hobbies. From writing and web development to theater and cosplay, I'm always up to something. I haven’t been myself ever since I was born.

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