I Pronounce You Hand and Wife – Justin Hanks

I Pronounce You Hand and Wife

Justin Hanks

I sang at a wedding the other day. They even paid me. I know, I know; it’s great that I’m finally becoming a celebrity and all, but I’m worried I wasn’t good enough. I might have made a mistake and inadvertently ruined their marriage before it even started.

Some day, the two of them will get into a huge fight over diaper-changing and remember the awful vocalist who started it all…

The bride will say something like, “I know I told you it ain’t over ’til the fat lady sings, but remember the chubby homo at our wedding? He’s close enough.”

And then he’ll retort, “Yeah, well, I must have been high when I married you; higher than the note he failed to hit.”

And then she’ll say that their marriage was a bigger disaster than my hair. It’ll never stop. The diaper will never get changed. The angry baby will grow up and kill me.

Maybe I’m over-thinking it. I tend to do that. In fact, while performing at the wedding, I started over-thinking a lot of things. This led to some fun questions. For example, how come when a man proposes to a woman, he asks for her hand in marriage?

Why’s it gotta be the hand? Hands are gross. According to every Dove soap commercial, hands are constantly dirty and covered with germs. Who wants to associate their love with filth and hangnails?

There are certainly more interesting body parts. And if you plan to go on a honeymoon, there are indeed more essential ones.

You could ask for her shoulder in marriage. Or since it’s ’til death do you part, you could ask for a spare organ.

How about her back, her wrist, her elbow, leg, ankle, nose, heel, toe, neck, thigh, or breast? “Sir, I’ve fallen deeply in love with your daughter, and I’m asking for her ass in marriage.”

Yuck. Suddenly the hand is making sense.

But I still don’t get why we have to isolate body parts at all. Call me creepy, but when I fall in love with someone, I fall in love with all of them.

106 Responses

  1. Marriage is primarily an economic arrangement. There are to-day large numbers of men and women to whom marriage is naught but a farce, but who submit to it for the sake of public opinion.

  2. Jhase says:

    Wow, you know, you have such a twisted mine. Ruined marriage because of Wedding Singer, that would be hilarious. I'd watch that as a tv comedy. I'm sure you did a great job saying the words though.

    You know the whole hand thing, I figured it was because thats where they'll be flashing that expensive effing ring. For those can afford it of course, but still other than that I don't get it. But I guess it beats asking your lovers father can you have their child's "sacred" parts in marriage.

    Because yeah, that'd be weird.

  3. Monnii Bee says:

    Hands are icky >.< you use them to wipe your bum and pick your nose and you put them in your mouth- gross

    but yah, i think they ask for a hand in marragie because in the olden days the ring was like a leash 0.0 or so my feminist teacher told me.

    Falling in love with all of a person is a good thing =]

    Really, it is!

  4. Cecilie says:

    Haha, that was a funny post:P

    Yeah, it sounds very weird to ask someone for their hand in marriage:P

  5. Katie says:

    Well, you must be good if you got the job to play at a wedding!!

    I think it's based on the fact that the love/marriage is binded within the rings that are on her hand? Or something around that anyway. Good question to think about!

  6. Kyra says:

    Oh, yes, now you're going to get me all worried who sings at my wedding (er, when I get married, that is. If I manage to snag a wealthy idio–…er, if I find "the one") I'll be wondering if by picking someone with the wrong voice, I could be ruining my marriage!
    Thanks a lot, Justin.

    "I would like your body in marriage" – that just sounds shallow 0_o why not "I'd love to have your entire being and mind in marriage!" I think it'd be cool to be proposed to like that ^3^

    Well. That was entertaining blog. And from now on, I'm going to be very conscious of how people propose D: I'll let you know if I hear of any interesting lines!

  7. Jetice says:

    Wow that was quite hilarious! Ruining a marriage due to horrible vocals on the wedding singer. heh heh.

    I use to believe that they ask for the hands in marriage because thats the part of the body that will be doing most of the work at home. Yanno cleaning, cooking, diaper-changing, grabbing grocery bags, the list goes on and on. Lol. I would understand if they asked for the shoulder. Because then it would mean that they need someone to lean on.

  8. Julianne says:

    Lol I just thought it was so they could put a ring on the finger of your hand… I think?

    That's pretty cool that you sang, you're gonna make it big kid πŸ˜‰

    I'm glad no one has ever asked for my ass in marriage though. But it does sound really old school to ask for someone's hand in marriage. I think we just say 'Marry Me' now.

  9. Lee says:

    Wow, you sung in a wedding! You were probably good, and homos are cool!!
    Your hair is nice. XD
    He wants her ass in marriage, nice…
    Hands can be useful in honeymoons too, I have heard. πŸ˜›
    If I had to pick one body part, it'd be the brain; and not because I'm a zombie. I am not a zombie. ;D
    I've never fell in love, but I'd fall in love with all of them too.
    You're not creepy!

  10. Sean says:

    And all this time….I believed that you loved me for my hands alone. This revelation is comforting. To hear that you love every part of me? Wow….just…..just wow.

    But yeah…it is weird. Back in the day they actually use to tie your hands together using rope and a marriage knot….that's where the phrase tying the knot comes from. If it were, "Ask for your leg in marriage," they would tie the legs together…and that is basically a three legged race. Why not just have a ceremonial potato sack race while your at it?…and a picnic. (Potato salad….yum!)

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *


My name is , and this website is devoted to my many hobbies. From writing and web development to theater and cosplay, I'm always up to something. I haven’t been myself ever since I was born.


Stay In Touch

Enjoy what you saw? You can follow me on social media if you feel like it. You can also stuff mashed potatoes up your nose if you feel like it.
© Copyright 2012 - 2017 , All Rights Reserved.