So Stupid it’s Smart – Justin Hanks

So Stupid it’s Smart

Justin Hanks
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When I was a kid, a self-proclaimed health guru visited my school to teach about nutrition. During his presentation, he remarked, “You are what you eat.” I was mortified. As soon as I got home, I darted under my bed, sobbed like a three-year old girl and cried, “I don’t want to be a cheeseburger!”

Fortunately, my nipples never turned into pickles.

Even after my realization that he lied, the lecturer’s words continued to influence my eating habits. I always thought twice before nibbling on candy. For example, in fear of becoming an idiot, I completely avoided dum-dums. Instead, I ate plenty of smarties and chugged entire boxes of nerds.

Looking back, I think I ate more candy after the lecture on healthy eating.

Anyway, isn’t it strange that all these candies correlate with levels of intelligence? I’m convinced the English language is intrinsically linked with calling people stupid.

Another example is the terms smartass and dumbass, which, for the record, don’t make any sense.

Since when does a butt have an IQ level? Is there a brain in my booty? Can my butt educate itself? Will it be bullied and picked on at school? Isn’t butt-picking gross? Should I send my badonkadonk to college? Can it get a job at NASA? What about NASSA?

So many questions. I know that people work their butts off at dances and strip-clubs, but can booties secretly work themselves? Can they earn money? Can I bet my bottom’s actual dollar?

The lingo doesn’t stop there: A wiseass is a really smart smartass. A stupidass is a really dumb dumbass. A stupiderass is a stupidass too stupid to master English. A cheapass is often a smartass, but also a lameass. A lazyass is both a dumbass and a smartass, because he never gets anything done, but also never has to do anything. This also makes him a fatass.

My bad. Sorry for all these wisecracks.

Per my analysis, smartass and dumbass are polar opposites, yet they’re both insults. How is this possible? If it’s because they’re both extreme, then does that mean the desirable outcome is an averageass?

Maybe it’s because the suffix ass has the power to ruin a word. Nah. That logic also fails, because “smart” alone is a nice word, and “dumb” is still negative.

And wouldn’t that make “dumbass” a double negative? This could make sense, though, because a dumbass is more likely to use a double negative.

I’m over-thinking it. Please forgive me for being such an ass.

38 Responses

  1. Chynna says:

    Aha, that was fun to read πŸ™‚
    Although, I must admit I got confused when you explained the "-ass" bit. I have never even heard of a stupiderass. Maybe because we say arse over here in England πŸ˜€

    x

  2. Marianne says:

    Very interesting, haha. I never really thought about the relationship between food (/candy) names and the ''you are what you eat'' saying. πŸ˜›

  3. Katie says:

    your blogs never fail to be funny. i also love the way you think.

    haha, seriously. all this dumbass and smartass business, really has made me think. and now i think i've looked at the word 'ass' way too much. i've never really thought into it really. but now my brain hurts haha.

  4. Holly says:

    Haha your blogs make me laugh so much πŸ˜€ I better getting eating some smarties, I have an English exam tomorrow πŸ™
    xxx

  5. Aimee says:

    You're my hero πŸ˜€ hahaha

  6. Mom/Debbie says:

    I love the word "ass".

  7. Trypp says:

    dude, caity took the words right out of my mouth about your blogging style – it's so clever and witty….it always makes me laugh =P but yeah anyway! I used to fear the SAME exact thing about eating dum dums! Haha…after a while though I gave up the fear of becoming a total moron and chomped 'em down.

  8. Alice says:

    Haha, very witty blog. πŸ™‚ You're excellent with words and wordplay. And I totally know what you mean, it's like "cold as hell" and the "hot as hell stuff" xD. Personally, I like my ass the way it is; I'd say it's a very nice ass πŸ˜‰ And you make excellent points, too πŸ˜€

    Imma wet my pants now xD

  9. Sean says:

    wow…my brain hurts. lol. Now I know what you were busy doing when I called. hehe. Good blog. πŸ˜€ πŸ˜€ πŸ˜€

  10. Caity says:

    Haha, I love the way you write. It's so clever – the way you think! I have always thought it was so silly when grown ups tell children that they are what they eat. I enjoyed reading the rest of your entry about asses. I must admit I never really thought that much into it. Leave it to you! Haha!

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My name is , and this website is devoted to my many hobbies. From writing and web development to theater and cosplay, I'm always up to something. I haven’t been myself ever since I was born.

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