So Stupid it’s Smart – Justin Hanks

So Stupid it’s Smart

Justin Hanks
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When I was a kid, a self-proclaimed health guru visited my school to teach about nutrition. During his presentation, he remarked, “You are what you eat.” I was mortified. As soon as I got home, I darted under my bed, sobbed like a three-year old girl and cried, “I don’t want to be a cheeseburger!”

Fortunately, my nipples never turned into pickles.

Even after my realization that he lied, the lecturer’s words continued to influence my eating habits. I always thought twice before nibbling on candy. For example, in fear of becoming an idiot, I completely avoided dum-dums. Instead, I ate plenty of smarties and chugged entire boxes of nerds.

Looking back, I think I ate more candy after the lecture on healthy eating.

Anyway, isn’t it strange that all these candies correlate with levels of intelligence? I’m convinced the English language is intrinsically linked with calling people stupid.

Another example is the terms smartass and dumbass, which, for the record, don’t make any sense.

Since when does a butt have an IQ level? Is there a brain in my booty? Can my butt educate itself? Will it be bullied and picked on at school? Isn’t butt-picking gross? Should I send my badonkadonk to college? Can it get a job at NASA? What about NASSA?

So many questions. I know that people work their butts off at dances and strip-clubs, but can booties secretly work themselves? Can they earn money? Can I bet my bottom’s actual dollar?

The lingo doesn’t stop there: A wiseass is a really smart smartass. A stupidass is a really dumb dumbass. A stupiderass is a stupidass too stupid to master English. A cheapass is often a smartass, but also a lameass. A lazyass is both a dumbass and a smartass, because he never gets anything done, but also never has to do anything. This also makes him a fatass.

My bad. Sorry for all these wisecracks.

Per my analysis, smartass and dumbass are polar opposites, yet they’re both insults. How is this possible? If it’s because they’re both extreme, then does that mean the desirable outcome is an averageass?

Maybe it’s because the suffix ass has the power to ruin a word. Nah. That logic also fails, because “smart” alone is a nice word, and “dumb” is still negative.

And wouldn’t that make “dumbass” a double negative? This could make sense, though, because a dumbass is more likely to use a double negative.

I’m over-thinking it. Please forgive me for being such an ass.

38 Responses

  1. Caity says:

    Haha, I love the way you write. It's so clever – the way you think! I have always thought it was so silly when grown ups tell children that they are what they eat. I enjoyed reading the rest of your entry about asses. I must admit I never really thought that much into it. Leave it to you! Haha!

  2. Sean says:

    wow…my brain hurts. lol. Now I know what you were busy doing when I called. hehe. Good blog. πŸ˜€ πŸ˜€ πŸ˜€

  3. Alice says:

    Haha, very witty blog. πŸ™‚ You're excellent with words and wordplay. And I totally know what you mean, it's like "cold as hell" and the "hot as hell stuff" xD. Personally, I like my ass the way it is; I'd say it's a very nice ass πŸ˜‰ And you make excellent points, too πŸ˜€

    Imma wet my pants now xD

  4. Trypp says:

    dude, caity took the words right out of my mouth about your blogging style – it's so clever and witty….it always makes me laugh =P but yeah anyway! I used to fear the SAME exact thing about eating dum dums! Haha…after a while though I gave up the fear of becoming a total moron and chomped 'em down.

  5. Mom/Debbie says:

    I love the word "ass".

  6. Aimee says:

    You're my hero πŸ˜€ hahaha

  7. Holly says:

    Haha your blogs make me laugh so much πŸ˜€ I better getting eating some smarties, I have an English exam tomorrow πŸ™
    xxx

  8. Katie says:

    your blogs never fail to be funny. i also love the way you think.

    haha, seriously. all this dumbass and smartass business, really has made me think. and now i think i've looked at the word 'ass' way too much. i've never really thought into it really. but now my brain hurts haha.

  9. Marianne says:

    Very interesting, haha. I never really thought about the relationship between food (/candy) names and the ''you are what you eat'' saying. πŸ˜›

  10. Chynna says:

    Aha, that was fun to read πŸ™‚
    Although, I must admit I got confused when you explained the "-ass" bit. I have never even heard of a stupiderass. Maybe because we say arse over here in England πŸ˜€

    x

  11. Jhase says:

    Well that was a refreshing read, its been a while since you've made me laugh via a blog. The scary part is that I understood that without reading it a second time. I don't know how, cause it was just a tad confusing, but hey I did so whatever.

    But for the record my ass is smart, I got it to take the SATs for me. Progress my friend, progress. =D

    So how does Justin be?

  12. Trish says:

    I think I'm a lazyass, but I'm not fat, so I can't be a fatass. :/ I'd rather go with "hotass". πŸ˜€

    "You are what you eat." …toriyaki? I'm chicken covered in that sweet, delicious soy sauce, mixed perfectly with honey and sugar? I sound yummy. :9

  13. Regina says:

    Lol, have you ever read "The Day My Butt Went Psycho" ? It's about a world where butts have a mind of their own. I think you'd enjoy it! It's actually a part of a trilogy, along with "Zombie Butts from Uranus" and "Butt Wars: The Final Conflict".

  14. Angelica says:

    That is indeed weird! Especially to me since we don't have that kind of expressions in Swedish.

  15. Bonnie says:

    haha i remember after i watched 'supersize me', i probably ate more mcdonalds after that. eating healthy never really crossed my mind.

    lets just say lingos never really make sense haha. there always those 'smartasses' who come up with some 'smartass' answer that backfires your 'insult'.

  16. Olivia says:

    Okay, I forgive you, lol!

  17. Kyo-Kyo says:

    Wow. That made my head hurt while making me laugh at the same time. Though visual of pickle-nipples did not sit well with me though. I'm even further freaked by nipples now. Lmao.

  18. Stepherz says:

    Have you thought about contacting webster? I think they need to know this grave injustice we are doing to otherwise nice words by adding ass. Like hat. Hat didn't do anything either.

  19. Janice says:

    LOL yeah people nowadays seem like they love to scare others by their words 0.o my teacher also said those stupid sentences about the relation between sweets and smartness 0.o Ah well, I've eaten loads of candies in my life but nothing happened to my brain xD haha.

  20. Eka says:

    Not to be a smartass, but I think the '-ass' suffix is pejorative in itself. So whether you're a dumbass or a wiseass, being any kind of ass isn't a good thing.

    I blame the word 'jackass'. Started the whole thing. :|
    Just wasn't good enough for people as time went on- had to fill in the blanks with their own adjectives. Jack isn't an adjective anyway. People are dumbasses. πŸ˜›

  21. Farah says:

    "Fortunately, my nipples never turned into pickles." That KILLED me. Seriously.

  22. Ariel says:

    Hello, I've just stumbled upon this interesting article. :-O

    I'd have to admit I've chugged my share of Smarties when I was a kid. I think my parents bought them for me because they were hoping (unconsciously maybe) that I'd actually become a 'Smarty' πŸ˜›

    'Ass' is like the ultimate negative phrase. It makes good things bad.

  23. Charley says:

    hahaah very good πŸ™‚ clever, i loved this blog πŸ™‚ my english language teacher would probably enjoy it rofl

  24. Was confused about how you explained the "-ass" bit, fun been smartie kid lol….

  25. Shell says:

    Hey Justin,

    It's Shell here, the lass that gave you the shockhorror.org domain a while ago! I'm just messaging you… because I forgot my password on your boards. Is there any way you can email me, to reset it or somewhat?. (Shell__x@msn.com)

    Cheers. xx

  26. SAMANTHA says:

    Just wishing you a happy thanksgiving Justin πŸ˜€ Enjoy lots of good food for me kk?

  27. Kathryn says:

    LMFAO, your blogs are freakin' hilarious. I was really LOL-ing in real life. XD The nipples into pickles bit set me off, and now my sister is giving me strange looks. Ahh well.

    Oh yeah, you don't really KNOW me, but I randomly came across your blog when I was randomly surfing the web when I randomly thought I'd leave you a comment. Randomly. :3

  28. AnneMarie says:

    Hahahaha, I can't even picture my butt having a brain. Ick, if my butt had a mind of it's own. How creepy would that be. If I was what I ate, then I'd be a giant bowl of ice cream. πŸ˜› I might end up eating myself. Wonder if those people ever wondered that. That wouldn't be so bad now would it?

  29. Blizz says:

    OMG i havent read this funny of ramblings in a very very long time! The worst part? It makes sense! Thank you for this blurb of sunshine!

  30. alice says:

    (pasting the same thing to every affie πŸ˜› )

    Hey there affie!
    I know, i've been a TERRIBLE affiliate.
    Haven't been updating, haven't been replying DD:
    forgive me please? loll
    anyways, hope you still remember me o__O
    i give you the right to slap my face if I keep dissapearing.
    I BLAME SCHOOL πŸ˜› I swear I will try and keep up with the comments!
    with lotsa love,
    Alice from KTM (:

  31. Thao says:

    For. The. Win., smartass.

  32. Ukume says:

    Oh my God! You are so funny! seriously, you've made my day!

  33. I'm back. Finally.

    ..and I don't think I've ever read the word "ASS" so much in one blog in my life. Thanks for that.

  34. Thuyy says:

    This is such a random blog. lol But it's hilarious and it has a point, so it's okay.

    Anyways, to the point. Rememberr mee? I'M BACK!
    Are we still affliates or are you gonna make me re-apply? D:

  35. Justin says:

    oh my gosh! That was so funny!!!

  36. Alice says:

    LMAO! I can't believe how you let your mind just wonder off like that. Wish I could be this funny at times!

  37. princess says:

    lolz i read this over and over and it make me dizzay every time more and more but its funny how ur brain works btw haha that got me high … idk y but it does get u high =P

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My name is Justin, and this website is devoted to my many hobbies. From writing and web development to theater and cosplay, I'm always up to something. I haven’t been myself ever since I was born.

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