With Doors Wide Open – Justin Hanks

With Doors Wide Open

Justin Hanks

The world is full of disasters. We’ve got economic turmoil, fuel shortages, poverty, homelessness, and even Adam Lambert. Every time I see a commercial on TV about a poor, struggling child in desperate need of food, I feel obligated to do something; like change the channel.

I’m kidding. Unfortunately, there’s not much my broke, lazy butt can do. I did some research, and I was able to come up with one easy solution that makes the world a better place. It doesn’t make much sense, but it promises to open some doors.

So what is it? Oh, I already told you; opening doors for people. People get ridiculously giddy over such a mundane, effortless act. Yeah it’s a nice gesture and all, but in most scenarios, it’s not really deserving of a “thank you.” All you have to do is not move your arm as you continue to head in the direction that you were already travelling in.

You don’t even have to wait for the person to walk all the way through. As they get about half way, you can let go. Since you still waited for them, you look like a saint. And they’ll still thank you for slamming a door in their face.

It’s an awful lot of hype for something inefficient. Someone who holds a door open might waste 5 seconds while the other person gains only two seconds. If you take the 3 seconds wasted, multiply it by the times people hold doors open, divide that by the average number of seconds in a person’s life; the result is every person on Earth loses a million dollars.

[Trust me. I have a math minor.]

At my college, this gesture has gone too far. It’s evolved from a friendly act to an obligation. Instead of focusing on how nice someone is for propping a door open, people criticize and judge anyone who doesn’t.

Isn’t the point of a gesture to do something extra? Otherwise, it’s not a gesture at all. It’s more like a bitchy secret test to see if someone has manners.

I try my best to do my part, but it doesn’t always turn out well. Sometimes I hold a door open for one person, but get stuck standing there for fifteen minutes letting in an entire circus.

The worse part about my dorm is that I have to walk through three different doors — one to get into the building, one after sliding my id card, and one to enter my hall. On occasion, the same person will hold all three doors for me. I never know how to respond without being awkward.

Am I supposed to thank him three times in a row? It makes sense, but I always get laughed at. I can’t comprehend what’s so funny about “thank you”, “thank you again”, and “Okay, now I owe you a kidney.”

87 Responses

  1. Olivia says:

    Maybe it wasn't a dream. Maybe her sister is secretly the Queen of Hearts and they fed her a memory potion or something. And then she accidentally walked right back into Wonderland after they had kicked her out.

  2. Lani says:

    I know right? We had awesome fun splashing and suches. Haha, in my opinion manners are going way too far… for a socially awkward person such as myself there are getting to be waayyy too many societal rules for me to follow, its starting to get quite exhausting lol.

    Absolutely fracking awesome job on the new layout btw… I swear I almost drooled -hangs head in shame-

  3. Nancy says:

    Yup yup πŸ™‚ Your new layout is awesomeo. I don`t even hold doors for people 3/4 of the time )': Usually because I`m usually in my own world focusing on what I have to do. πŸ˜› Though you have manners, which I might lack, yet others might not have. It`s all good πŸ™‚
    But for the starvation ad`s on tv… I`ve seen it once& that`s all I need to se :/.
    Happy holidays& take care πŸ™‚

  4. Olivia says:

    I think you may have been onto something there! Lol. I guess pretty much everything we've been saying doesn't make sense. But then again, I don't understand where your invisible friend came in. And anyway, Alice in Wonderland was dissapointing- in the end, it'd all been a dream. Corny.

  5. Olivia says:

    I don't think that makes much sense.

  6. Olivia says:

    I would, but I can't see him.

  7. Olivia says:

    I'm not sure if uglyness can physically cause blindness. Just mental illness, I guess.

  8. Olivia says:

    I'm not sure. I guess they're connected- you wouldn't freeze to death if you were wearing a furry jacket or something. But you don't die if you're just naked.

  9. Olivia says:

    True, and I really hate the cold. We'd have no concept of privacy, either. We'd have to hide behind a bush whenever we were getting chanhed or something.

  10. Olivia says:

    Thanks for adding me, I like your site πŸ™‚ I'll follow you as well.

    Wow, you like to think, don't you? I only ever open doors for family or teachers I guess. It's always good to have the teachers on your side, especially when they have a habit of giving everyone a detention when you don't hand in your work on time. If you hold doors open for them, they tend to let you off.

    I think the world has too many doors. If we didn't have any, there wouldn't be the problem of having to waste your time while you hold the door open for somebody. But then again, it would be pretty easy to be burgled in the middle of the night if you had no doors.

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