Chased by the Police – Justin Hanks

Chased by the Police

Justin Hanks

Like most college students, a little alcohol makes me lose my shit. I’ve found myself hitting on strangers, admitting secrets, and even trying to ride a hamster (okay, so maybe that last one isn’t so common).

To be honest, most of my favorite memories are the result of being completely plastered. This past weekend, however, I encountered a whole new type of drunken shenanigans: I was chased by the police.

It all started at around four o’clock in the morning. I was feeling a nice buzz from some raspberry-flavored Mike’s Hard Lemonades (don’t judge my fruity drinks). Nearly passing out on a lawn chair with a gnome up my butt, I decided it was time to head home.

Since the party wasn’t that far away from my dorm, I figured I’d simply walk back. Well, it ended up being more of a stumble. I kept tripping over myself like I was wearing stripper boots.

As I crossed one of the busier streets, I noticed a nearby police car turn on its sirens. I didn’t think much of it. In fact, I didn’t think at all; to avoid confrontation, I jumped into a bush.

Next thing I remember is a deep, intense scream that pierced through the sirens; making me nearly soil myself. To my surprise, the cop got out of his car and started running toward me.

In fear, I screamed back at him. I turned to run away, but another police car swerved in front of me; driving over the sidewalk to form a barricade. Feeling the excitement, I pretended I was in a Die Hard movie and attempted drunken somersaults.

One of the officers pulled out his gun and told me to get down on my knees. Still completely shit-faced, all I did was giggle at his dirty remark. A second cop, using stealthy ninja prowess, snuck up from behind and handcuffed me.

I knelt on the side of the road and watched car after car pass by. Why were so many people on the road at four in the morning? Each passerby made eye contact with me, giving me a look of pity as if I’d escaped from Guantanamo Bay or something.

Completely confused; I turned back to the cops and said, “Ohio has some shitty underage drinking laws.” Shit. Cover blown.

Yet another officer approached me (I swear I had my own SWAT team). He assured me that if I cooperated, he’d let me go. I still didn’t know what I did.

I remember thinking the cop was cute (in a 35-year-old-hot-dad-with-a-long-nightstick kind of way). He looked like his name was Damon, so that’s what I kept calling him.

Damon asked me if he could perform a strip search. I found it adorable, and somewhat kinky, that he asked for my permission.

He went through my pockets (God yes), discovering a Lady Gaga keychain and some crayons from Applebee’s (this is, perhaps, more embarrassing than my choice of alcohol). Damon pulled out his walkie-talkie and exclaimed with a laugh, “There’s no way this guy is a serious threat.”

Soon after, the cops uncuffed me and left. It was over in a blur (and not because I blacked out). To my disbelief, no one apologized for the mishap — not even my future husband Damon. Sigh.

At first, I was outraged, but then I realized no one caught my underage drunkenness (my fruity raspberry breath paid off, eh?).

Being drunk prevented me from doing something stupid and getting killed (somebody put that in a PSA).

When I woke up (which was probably two days later), I called my mother and told her everything. Outraged, she called the police station and demanded answers.

The chief told her that I was apprehended because I fit the description of some nut job who was running around that night with a knife. And by “fit the description,” I was simply a Caucasian male with khaki pants.

This is offensive, because, although yes, I am definitely a cracker, I was not wearing khaki pants that night. Khaki pants make my butt look saggy.

He also told my mom that I looked suspicious because I jumped into a bush. Well FUCK. There’s absolutely no appreciation for nature lovers anymore.

75 Responses

  1. Chiui says:

    LMAO such a giggly family! XD What an experience. I've never been drunk! Anyway, yeah I guess policemen do not really apologize when they get the wrong person. O_O

    I wonder if Damon was a Lady Gaga fan..

  2. Aly says:

    Oh good heavens, what an experience! It's a good thing you were so hammered, actually – can you imagine how much scarier it would have been without the booze to loosen you up? *gulp*

    Nice work flirting with the cop though, haha. Strip search, eh? Kinky… πŸ˜› I can't believe though it was the Lady Gaga keychain and crayons that made them hold their fire, so to speak – do you think the cops would let me off the hook similarly if I showed them my Mr Potato Head keychain and scented biros? XD

    Btw, I noticed your mum's comment here – that's so sweet! πŸ™‚

  3. Christine says:

    Bahaha, and this is why I don't drink (although I did always imagine myself being a happy drunk). But dude, they could've at least interrogated you first before attacking you, especially if they weren't sure you were the right guy!

  4. Mom/Debbie says:

    OMG! This sounds worse than when you actually told me about it. At least you are able to laugh about it now. That makes me feel better. However, I am not at the laughter stage yet. For what it's worth, the sergeant did offer an apology from the police department, when I called. Plus I was hysterical (it must run in the family). This is a very good blog, in a post-traumatic syndrome sort of way. I forgot to ask you, did they give you back your crayons and Lady GaGa keychain? I'm glad you weren't wearing khakis. Love, Mom

  5. Jessica says:

    WOW! I can’t believe that happened to you. Someone owes you an apology…

  6. Sin says:

    Thank you for the hug dear.

    hookah? Confused. Remember young here.

    I also look older; people ask me all the time where do I work, and where did I go to college.

    When I hold my baby bro they ask how old he is and say I made a beautiful baby, I'm like…. umm. thanks.

  7. Sindara says:

    Drinking is really bad.

    You forget how young I am does that mean I act older?

    Thank you for respecting it.

    I grew up watching my family drink and get arrested. I didn't want any part of it, so I refuse it, same thing with smoking, and drugs

  8. Sindara says:

    I hate the spelling, too!

    The lesson is not to DRINK! IT IS BAD

  9. Sindara says:

    Wow, longness much?

    Of course I used your text generator! It is flipping sweet!

    Aww, Suga don't cry. no need for tears.

    Mallory is awesome!


    Here I was innocently creating my blog when my dog started chasing her tail. So I grab the restrainer, leash, and hook it. I open the back door take a deep breath, walk out into a grassy area. My puppy peed then out of no where, when I was in space my dog started pulling on the line. I was like now what. I look down, sitting right by the fence a possum. We moved, it froze. It was so cute!

    Good! I am proud of you for getting arrested, maybe you will learn.

    Darn! I really thought you would have learned something. Never mind! naughty boy. He should have slapped you around a few times, but nope you would have loved that, you should have that person slap you around

  10. Taversia says:

    Okay. I have multiple things to say about all this. First off, holy shit, I LOVES me some Mike's Hard fruity drinks. Secondly, LMFAO @ you flirting with the cop!!! And the Applebee's crayons? …I love you so much. <3 xD

    Oh my gosh. This entire post… SO funny. Good goin' for having such a good sense of humor about all this. They really did owe you an apology. πŸ˜›

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