A Man Walks into a Bar – Justin Hanks

A Man Walks into a Bar

Justin Hanks

Walking is overrated. There, I said it. When it comes to traveling from point A to point B, I’d rather be catapulted on fire.

Walking makes my legs sore and lethargic. I hate it so much that when it comes time for a stroll, I have to do it super early in the morning before my brain figures out.

If it were possible to sleepwalk on command, I’d be all over that.

I don’t care if walking is good exercise. If walking is so good for you, then why does every mailman I’ve ever seen look like Rosie O’Donnell?

Okay, forgive me for sounding bitter. While on vacation, I did a lot of walking. It got so bad that my legs gave out, and I fell into a lamp. As I was destroying the light source, I didn’t feel too bright (I’ll see myself out).

And that’s not the only time walking has made me feel stupid. Have you ever walked into a room and then forgot why you walked in there in the first place? It happens to me all the time. Between you and me, I think that’s how dogs live their lives.

I suppose walking isn’t always a bad thing. I do like long walks… when they’re taken by people who annoy me.

When I was a baby, I had it all figured out; I crawled. Crawling was easier on the legs, and it burned way more calories. I wiggled around like a little coyote, and it made me a badass.

Unfortunately, my mom ruined everything. She spent the first 2 years of my life teaching me how to walk and talk. Well, the joke’s on her. She spent the next 18 telling me to sit down and shut-up.

The public school system also pressured me into walking. I remember being taught that before I criticize someone, I should walk a mile in their shoes. That’s pretty good advice. I mean, once you get around to making fun of them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.

I’ll admit that there are worse things than walking. At least I’m not jogging. Jogging makes my man-boobs bounce up and down.

I remember reading somewhere that jogging could add years to my life. That’s definitely the truth. Every time I jog, I feel ten years older.

49 Responses

  1. Grace says:

    as always great and funny post! Try to post more often if you can, I enjoy reading them. 🙂 Have a great week!

  2. Casey says:

    Oh, I don't understand how you think that way about walking! I love to walk, seriously, it's like so much fun! XD, I walk home from school and if I wouldn't be late, I'd walk to school as well, but I live two freaking miles away, lol. Eh…all my mailpeople are super freaking skinny, I'm jealous of them, since I probably walk more than them…(ours have cars!)

    Wait, where did you go on vacation? I never caught that. Fail. Walking is awesome, I mean people have walked forever, I guess.

    OMG, I like to run, but I HATE HATE FUCKING HATE to jog! DX

  3. Haily says:

    Haha, that was really funny. 😛

    The only problem I have with walking is that it isn't fast enough, so no, you were not "badass" when you crawled. Not in my book, haha.

  4. Jenny says:

    Haha, I hate walking too -.- But I hate running/jogging more. Where did you go on vacation? :3 Luucky, I don't think I'm going on vacation this summer. Possibly Las Vegas though, like last year.

    Ohh yeah, it was great when we were babies! Our mommies fed us and we got to crawl. Wow, I love how you say this: "which is weird, because she spent the next 18 telling me to sit down and shut-up." xD

    O_O MAN-BOOBS?! TMI, dude. That is just too graphic. xD Just kiddin.

  5. Steff says:

    Haha walking is not over rated. Get used to it. You know it's good for you. I've never seen a fat mail man and all our mail man come on postal bikes. But all the American movies I have seen the mail man is fat.

    Did you know that all the exercise in the world will do nothing if you don't have a healthy diet making your metabolism slow? Thats why your mail men are fat lol.

    Haha do you spend hours trying to make a blog? They're always so funny. You have a writers and editors board don't you? You pay comedians right? I'm insulting you because I'm bored.

    Did you change your layout? I swear the background was red last time I visited. Maybe not.. 🙂

  6. Veronica says:

    Ya I'm with you on there. Not much for the walking, or the running, but would rather walk than run.

  7. Aashni says:

    As usual, your posts are funny and insightful at the same time 😀

    remember the time when we were carried everywhere though?
    Plus side: we were never tired of walking
    down side: we had no control over where we went…

  8. Sean says:

    When in the hell did you fall into a lamp post on our vacation? I don't remember that haha. I like walking….a LOT….so this is a problem haha. Hugs

  9. Jhase says:

    Man boobs! -glomps at them-

    Haha, walking is an enjoyable then when you do it for fun, but when you do it on a mission it becomes a bitch on wheels. I've walked so much, and been on my knees (do not take it that way) because of my job that when I walk my feet instantly hurt and my knees try to give out. Such a witch, lol.

    I'm sorry the lamp beat you up, next time give it the money and it won't let you crash into it. Still, at least you had a fun time in Florida.

    Now find a beach and film a version of Bay Watch for me…like now. I want to see them up and down Justin, no cowering out either! 🙂

    Mucho Love,


  10. Siobhan says:

    Hi! This is the first time I've ever read your posts, and chances are I shall return, very entertaining 😀

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