Vampires can Bite Me – Justin Hanks

Vampires can Bite Me

Justin Hanks

Vampires confuse the hell out of me. I mean, if something is immortal, it shouldn’t be able to die.

I can forgive one weakness, but when their immortality is compromised by sunlight, lack of blood, garlic, religion, fire, running water, silver, and even wooden stakes through the heart; they’re basically human. That chick from Heroes was more of a badass.

Who came up with the wooden stake idea, anyway? Imagine how boring the Superman comics would be if his greatest weakness was lumber. (Actually, I’d probably want to read an issue).

Vampires are nothing but losers. They have pointy teeth, pale skin, and a fear of sunlight. In other words, they’re freaky anti-social emo losers with a fear of sunlight. Somehow, despite all of this, teen girls across the globe want to spoon them.

Perhaps it’s because the Twilight movies got it all wrong. They made vampires too pretty. Edward Cullen’s greatest curse is that he glistens in the sun like a Covergirl.

And for someone who has no reflection, he sure has damn perfect hair.

Even more ridiculous; now these vampires can read minds and predict the future. Half way through New Moon, I thought I was watching an X-Men sequel.

For me, the most unsettling part of Twilight is that Edward watches Bella while she sleeps. How do people find this romantic? It’s creepy. Pardon me for not knowing Paranormal Activity was a chick flick.

It also doesn’t help that he’s older than my grandmother’s grandmother. Just saying.

These Twilight vampires are nothing like real vampires… or, well, nothing like real vampires if vampires were real.

At one point in the film, Bella says, “You’re pale white and ice cold. I know what you are,” and Edward responds, “Say it. Say it, out loud.” Honestly, I was waiting for her to look back at him and exclaim, “Vanilla ice cream!”

The only thing more backwards than Twilight vampires is Twilight werewolves. Just as Edward is a representation of a cougar, Jacob is a representation of bestiality. Stay tuned for a spin-off novel where Bella gives birth to a puppy.

Werewolves were specifically designed to be the most hideous monsters on the planet. They have an abundance of hair, pointy ears, and a gimpy-ass tail. Seriously girls, if that’s your type, why not date my uncle?

Just from experience, the guy that runs around on all fours and barks at the moon is typically not boyfriend material.

In conclusion, I suppose there’s no stopping this strange teenage obsession. But if flesh-eating freaks are the latest craze, don’t be surprised to see t-shirts that read “Team Hannibal.”

105 Responses

  1. Zoya says:

    This post made me laugh, but I must point out that when Interview with a Vampire came out women were swooning over vampires and in the days of Buffy Oz was a werewolf was he not?

  2. Christine says:

    Mad props! I cannot stand the Twilight craze, or the vampire craze. I'm sick of kids walking around with the Team Edward shirts, or what have you. I'm sick of kids obsessing over how hot Rob Whatshisname is. I know it's a trend but it still annoys me. Awesome and funny post! I'm lovin' it. =]

  3. Dezi says:

    Pfft, Edward is clearly a flesh eating mermaid, I don't get where they got this whole 'vampire' crap.

    I'm on Team Carrots, forget team Edward and Jacob, Carrots are sexier, and not creepy pedophiles. Seriously, would you date a hundred year old man when you're 16? Yeah, but you're willing to date Edward. Wtf?

  4. Jenny says:

    Your posts always make me laugh, even when it's something I loathe, aka, sparkly vampires and stupid movie franchises. Maybe I'm getting old, but I don't get fangirls nowadays. What happened to wooing HUMANS (who don't have creepy fetishes)??

  5. Lilly says:

    lol this post made me laugh! ๐Ÿ™‚ I give it props.

    And I totally agree. I love vampires, but Twilight messed it up bad. But at least Twilight is fun to make fun of.

  6. Rachel says:

    Lol your funny Justin. But I still love Jacob :p

  7. Hilde says:

    Great post! (You write really well, I must say) I read all the Twilight books but yeah, the sparkling thing and such was a little bit too much, in my opinion. Personally, I don't think Kirstin Steward (is that how you write it??) and Edward Pattinson are hot ๐Ÿ™ Edward is a little bit creepy. I liked Edward more as Cedric Diggory, but that's just because I am a Harry Potter whore :X

  8. Becca says:

    LMAO that is one of the best Twilight blogs I've read :') And people say that crap is better than Potter. *sigh*

  9. Kitty says:

    I am so loving this post! I especially like the bit on the hair and the glistening bit. XD

  10. Zoe says:

    I seriously have to start reading your blogs more often, they are hilarious! You make very valid points. I love this part "And besides, if vampires have no reflection, how the hell does he always have such perfect hair?" and this part "At one point in the film, Bella says, "You're pale white and ice cold. I know what you are," and Edward responds, "Say it. Say it, out loud." Honestly, I was waiting for her to look back at him and exclaim, "Vanilla ice cream!"" I am still laughing! Good on you!

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