I’m a Sleep Moaner – Justin Hanks

I’m a Sleep Moaner

Justin Hanks

Two years ago, I woke up in my dorm to find my roommate, and several of his friends, hovering over my bed. Each of them had huge, suspicious grins on their faces. Naturally, I thought they had sharpied a dingdong on my face. It turns out, they were actually laughing at the strange noises I was making.

Apparently, I moan in my sleep. Now, to my knowledge, these aren’t sexual moans (and if they are, then why the hell do I get pleasure out of losing my teeth). Rather, the moans are because I fail at breathing. A quick search on Google shows I’m not alone.

Occasionally, as I’m falling asleep, I hear myself doing it. The sound is certainly not flattering. It kind of sounds like a zombie grunt, but only if the zombie is a camel or a walrus. The moan also has a moo sound that would certainly put any heifer to shame. The moo, however, is more of a mouh, and it echoes the chant in Lady Gaga’s Pokerface.

The moan also resembles the foghorn noise that the tripods made in the War of the Worlds remake. The best way to describe it, I suppose, is the noise an old man makes when he’s blowing onto his hot soup – muEhhhh.

Waking up with an audience is not the only side-effect of my sleepmoaning. I also can’t sleep in class. Professors always knows I’m not paying attention when it sounds like Christina Aguilera is belting in the back of the classroom.

Long ago, I fell asleep with my door locked on accident. When the moaning noises began, my mom thought I had snuck a lover through my window.

Why can’t I do something normal in my sleep like sleepwalk or wet the bed [insert an I Peed a Little joke here]? Every time I tell my friends about the problem, they assume I have an illness or a mental condition or syphilis.

I wonder what other kinky and seemingly sexual things I do in my sleep. I can’t wait til the morning I wake up in assless chaps.

Maybe I should embrace the moans and use them to become a celebrity. I mean, I could always become one of those ladies in the shampoo commercials. The only pitfall is that I must be asleep, so I’d probably drown.

Justin Bieber moans a lot in his music, so maybe I could become a singer.

The only other moaner I can think of is Moaning Myrtle from the Harry Potter books, but she’s creepy as hell. She’s basically a pubescent dead voyeur watching school-age boys take a dump. I think I can find a better role model.

83 Responses

  1. Kate says:

    I make noises when I sleep sometimes. Lsst week I woke myself up because of a sound I made. It really startled me. I must have been really over tired.

  2. Tine says:

    hahaha i have seen one of my friends doing weird stuff while sleeping. i think he's not aware of that but it's disturbing because i'm a girl. :))

    i did a report about sleep disorders. i even saw some thingie (like a brace) where they put inside your mouth to prevent those moans and weird sounds. :p

  3. Eden-Avalon says:

    Definitely embrace the moaning. Maybe you could be a phone sex operator? The kind that doesn't say anything and just moans? Think about it – you could work and sleep at the same time!

    I believe you should record your sleep moans. Post 'em up. For science of course.

    If it makes you feel any better, I make wheezy little mewing noises when I sleep. It's my small inefficient lungs!

  4. Silvia says:

    LOL. Well, I've seen stranger things done in one's sleep. Actually a couple friends of mine had a decent conversation going while asleep, except their responses were really brief and came at about 10 minute intervals throughout the middle of the night.
    People do all sorts of crazy things in their sleep. It may be embarrassing but as long as it's not life-threatening/potentially dangerous (i.e sleepwalking), might as well enjoy it x)
    Btw thanks very much for your nice comment!

  5. ayah says:

    My cousins say that I make a noise from my teeth when I sleep. I dont know what it's called though. gee. I wonder what kind of disorder it is. haha`

  6. Liz says:

    I'm sorry, but all I can seem to say about this is that it's quite odd, haha…

  7. Liv says:

    Wow this made me laugh. Not anything related to the subject, but the way you wrote the entry. Hilarious and audience-attracting. ^/_^

    I don't think it's an illness or mental condition (of course could be wrong). I'm sure everyone's got sleeping habits and when you have roommates both parties will have to just accept the truth. Oh the joys of dorming …

  8. Sindara says:

    I will DM the pics to you on Twit. Don't want the whole world to see. Mr. Creeper! πŸ˜€

    You know if you just drove one hour here I could just like show you them!

    I really never go to doctors unless I need stitches or shots. I will google whatever you said though!

  9. Sindara says:

    You are the first to comment since my comeback! How sweet of you! πŸ˜€

    Truth, I just started liking the other two. Micheal came to school without a shirt, and man you would be panting if you seen him. WOOT! How are you and your lover?

    The song is a good one, I was like ehh, I will just get it and maybe I will get used to it or something, but now I am in love with it!

    I will tell Lyn!

    On to commenting your epic blog!

    I love your blog. (does Kressa know you don't go for girls?) lol also! I hold my breath when I sleep and I will do it for five to ten minutes, when I was younger my parents would come in and make sure I was still alive. πŸ˜›

    I used to sleep walk and I still snore and breathe funny. πŸ˜›

    I am sorry, but that War of the Worlds thing gave me the exact picture of you doing that. Sorta funny. Also bad boy sneaking boys in your room! Especially unsupervised! Naughty Naughty!

  10. kressa says:

    Lol I know it must suck having to deal with something like that. But your explanation concerning your situation is funny as hell. How do girls react to it? I'm sure words cannot describe it πŸ˜›

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