Multitasking on the Toilet – Justin Hanks

Multitasking on the Toilet

Justin Hanks
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I was in the middle of watching “Yo Gabba Gabba”… which isn’t creepy at all… when suddenly I had an urge to go potty. I became furious. Not only must I now abandon my dancing puppet friends, but I was officially going to lose the next 15 minutes of my life.

Bathroom breaks are so annoying. Why can’t the human body be more efficient? Birds poop in like two seconds and it helps them fly. Our bodies are backwards; birds have to poop in order to move, but humans have to move in order to poop.

And to make matters worse, once I finally sat on the seat, I realized I had forgotten my phone. What the hell was I going to do? Sitting all alone with no technology can be, well, lonely.

To prevent death by boredom, I found myself analyzing the shower curtain and playing “spot the pattern” with the floor tiles. I even started reading the back of a shampoo bottle and checking its caloric content. Think about that.

I don’t know what I would have done without that bottle. All bathrooms should have one. I bet that’s why it’s called shamPOO.

Do you ever find yourself doing these same stupid activities when you’re on the toilet? I can’t be alone. I mean, the average person spends close to a year and a half of their life on the crapper, and I doubt anyone spends the entire time sitting perfectly still like some sort of potty zombie.

As a species, it’s like our brains have evolved to develop a coping mechanism; allowing us to find excitement in the dumbest things as soon as our butts hit the seat.

When we’re on the toilet, we’re compelled to do something. ANYTHING. Perhaps going to the bathroom is our cure for procrastination.

To be honest, I’ve found myself blowing my nose, reading a book, checking my email, texting, tweeting, studying for an exam, meditating, and even taking part in a phone interview. I almost got the job until the motion sensor made the toilet flush.

Come to think of it, maybe the human body is efficient after all. Bathroom breaks might seem like a big waste of time, but they can actually be super productive.

After all, where do you think I wrote this article?

52 Responses

  1. Meaghan says:

    Yay! Really? I don't see your tweets! Well, I saw one earlier today… but that was the only one.

    YES WE WERE! Don't you remember? I used to talk to you about him… I think! Well let's see… he's 20 years old. He's Asian. Speaks Cantonese. Our families have weekend parties all the time together. I don't know what else to tell you haha.

    LOL, she chose studying on the toilet of all things??? I would never study on the toilet. It'll bore me & I'd probably fall asleep on the toilet. *embarrassing*

  2. Mei says:

    Honestly, this is my first time I read a blogpost that is about peeing, bathroom, lalalala hahaha
    In my case, I also do that spot the pattern thingy. Is that weird? XD

  3. Kay Lorraine says:

    Justin, this is my first visit to your website. I enjoyed changing the color from three-Mile-Island day-glo green to a lovely violet. Actually, more of a periwinkle. Very nice. Rather soothing. I may change it again before I leave the site, however. I have a short attention span.

    I clicked your silly don’t click here, button. Of course, you knew that I would. Be honest – you would have been soooo disappointed if I hadn’t clicked it. And despite my short attention span, I stayed with it to the bitter end. Because that’s the kind of wonderful woman I am.

    Anyway, regarding the blog post. Unfortunately, I spotted a major philosophical error fairly early on. You asked, “Why can’t the human body be more efficient? Birds poop in like two seconds (and it often lands on people’s heads… heehee). We’re backwards. Birds have to poop in order to move, but humans have to move in order to poop.”

    Actually, humans do not have to move in order to poop. You could poop whenever and wherever you get the urge. You could even poop on people’s heads, although it’s hard to get them to lie still while you do it. Still, you COULD if you really wanted to. You move to poop because you choose to do so. You have made a conscious choice from the options available: poop in your pants, poop where you stand/sit, poop where you eat (never a good decision). Ahhhh, decision! Have you made the statement that humans have to move in order to poop because that is a decision you have made? A decision requires commitment. A decision is irrevocable (in theory). At this stage in our relationship, I do not think that I can recommend that you make an irrevocable decision about this matter. Leave yourself some wiggle room in case circumstances change. Just CHOOSE to move in order to poop until you are older and have had an opportunity to weigh all of your options.

    Having made this choice, however, you will have to resolve your other, more obvious, problem. You simply do not have a complete and fully stocked bathroom. This is a failing that you must examine completely. How is it that a man with a college degree has not made the appropriate arrangements for long periods on the toilet? Is it because you are living with your mommy and sister and do not have sufficient influence in the household to fix such an obvious design flaw? Justin, you desperately need a magazine rack. It need not be fancy. But it needs to hold the following essential items: a minimum of two (2) Uncle John’s Bathroom Readers. I suggest the Triumphant 20th Anniversary Edition and the Heavy Duty 23rd Edition. Also, the Complete Calvin and Hobbes collection and The Far Side Gallery (Off the Wall and Hound of the Far Side).

    Honestly, reading the backs of the shampoo bottles is soooo last year.

    Kay in Hawaii

  4. Meaghan says:

    Oh my gosh. I MISSED YOUUUU. You're rarely on Twitter. ;~; Did I tell you I got a new one? My old one got hacked… I found out a few weeks ago that it was my boyfriend who did it as an April Fools' joke. Not funny.

    Yes, boyfriend! 🙂 We've been going out for almost 3 years already. WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN? D:

    He just rented it from the library. We're both not big fans on buying the books because we only read them like, once.

    I totally agree with you on this one. I can't go to the bathroom without bringing something whether it be my phone, a book, or my iPad. *ashamed*
    Even when I'm done, I end up sitting in there for way longer than I need to be. LOL.
    If I forget one of those three things, it doesn't matter much. I don't take that long to use the bathroom.

    That felt really awkward to type out… just sayin'. ;P

  5. Steven says:

    Hah! I loved this post.
    I agree, I do those same things (tweet, text or play games), but once in awhile I forget my phone. I read the backs of bottles.
    Never did an interview, though.. I don't know if I could, haha!

  6. Jamie says:

    Hey Justin! Thanks for your comment. I agree, it was kinda weird seeing that as I've never seen those kind of names before but it seems like a rather nice community.

    Anyway, this is a good story lol. You sound a bit like my dad. lol. Sitting on the crapper all a lone. Maybe you should do a music video on that? lol. Just saying.

  7. Jhase says:

    Hahaha. I told you that you still had it in you. I agree, I've found some of the best ideas to write is developed in the bathroom. I'll do you one better, the shower. I always think of amazing stuff while I scrub myself clean and fresh.

    Usually I read a book or I'm texting or I'm playing Words With Friends. I've sat so much from doing an interesting activity, on the toilet I mean, that my leg has went numb on occasions. It's funny, such a painful time consuming experience can lead to some of the best ideas.

    Then you tell people where you had it, and they're like, "Uh…gross?" Uh, no.

  8. Ashleenah says:

    Thank you for liking my FB page. 🙂 My score was 71/66. 🙁

    I always play games on my phone (or if I don't have my phone on me I end up reading things that I actually have no interest in reading, like shampoo/conditioner/etc bottles).

    To be honest, I usually end up sitting on the toilet longer even though I've finished because I'm busy reading or playing games. Or even in FB.

  9. Campbell says:

    it’s funny… you failed to mention taking pictures and then using them as handouts for the singers show…. 😉

  10. Rainy says:

    Thank you for those words, they mean so much to me T__T In answer to your questions, yeah it's a pink stitch (creepy, yes) and the tower of Pisa thingy was in the middle of this stupid wannabe roller coaster that the kids and I rode.

    LOL. I peed my pants reading your "I moan in my sleep" post. If I were one of your friends I would've done the same thing. I'd even record it. All in good fun~

    Well anyway, you aren't alone but I'm not one of you people who spend 10 minutes in the toilet. I guess I just got lucky 😉

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