Science Destroyed my Childhood – Justin Hanks

Science Destroyed my Childhood

Justin Hanks
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All across the globe, scientists are hard at work; discovering more and more about the world around us. They’re making miraculous breakthroughs in fields such as astronomy, genetics, and medicine. But unfortunately, as these developments continue, I can’t help but notice that science is slowly destroying my childhood memories. Below is a list of cases where science has given my adolescence the middle finger.

1. Pluto Is Not A Planet

In 2006, Pluto was robbed of its planetary status by the International Astronomical Union, because it did not “dominate the neighborhood” around its orbit. With its comet-like appearance, it was officially demoted to “dwarf planet.” Those bitches. How is a dwarf PLANET not a planet? I mean, cell PHONES are still phones. I’ve got a message for the IAU: next time you touch one of my planets, I’m gonna kick Uranus.

When I was in elementary school, my teacher taught me the useful mnemonic device: “my very educated mother just served us nine pizzas.” Without Pluto, the delightful chant has been smashed to smithereens. Now I have: “my very educated mother just served us… nachos? noodles? NOTHING?” I love my mom, but she can’t be very educated if she thinks she can rip me off like that.

2. The Brontosaurus Never Existed

When I was a kid, I collected dinosaur figurines. I adored them. For hours at a time, I’d make my dino pals claw, roar, fight, attack, kill, and even tap dance. I loved to pit my favorite dinosaur, the Triceratops, against the evil Mr. Brontosaurus. Unfortunately, this memory is ruined for me, because the Brontosaurus is as real as the Tooth Fairy.

A long time ago, some dude found the remains of a dinosaur and dubbed it the Apatosaurus. Shortly after, another guy found the remains of another dinosaur and dubbed it the Brontosaurus. It was discovered that the two remains were of the same species and the second guy was an idiot. Apatosaurus took precedence, erasing Bronosaurus from existence and completely ruining the “Land Before Time” series. Damn… at least I still have my Triceratops. Oh shit.

3. Forget About Starfish

Starfish are very marketable to children. They pop up in many children’s books, cartoons, and toys. Perhaps it’s because of their name; I mean, you’ve got a basic shape and a basic animal combining to make an awesome complex creature. The name is utter brilliance. Unfortunately, marine biologists think otherwise. Since starfish aren’t really fish, they’ve been renamed “seastars.”

Setting aside the fact that “seastars” aren’t great burning orbs of gas light-years away, or that many of them don’t live in the sea, but rather in the ocean, I think this raises an interesting question: what about all the other confusing animal names? Killer whales should be called dolphins, dragon-flies should be called lame, and sand dollars should be called “not-real-currency.” And we should drop all the weird scientific names. The scientific name for a seastar is “asteroidea.” Hell, that’s what we should call Pluto.

52 Responses

  1. Cat says:

    haha, that's a good list! I definitely remember all those things from my childhood. It's sad that they've changed. I remember I was in disbelief when I heard that Pluto was no longer a planet.

    I still call them starfish. I mean, does it really matter if the name is misleading? There are a lot of stuff like that! Seastars just sounds silly =/

  2. Meaghan says:

    But… it'll take forever for me to pay it off! I bet my grandkids will have to help me once I'm gone. πŸ™
    I MISS YOU TOOOOOOOO! πŸ™‚ We need to talk more. On Twitter or something. Or here. Or Skype, I added you on there. But I rarely go on lol.

    LOL, I didn't care that Pluto was demoted to a dwarf planet. I didn't care much for it… & I never learned that mnemonic.

    WAIT WHAT. That dinosaur's not real? I haven't heard of this yet… are you just tricking me?
    I've never seen Land Before Time. πŸ˜›

    Again, I think you're tricking me with this "seastar" stuff. I will forever call it starfish, no matter what those evil scientists say.

    SCIENTISTS ARE LAME. 'Nuff said.
    Except for the ones that are finding the cure to cancer & such.

  3. Krystal says:

    Such sad changes scientists do. πŸ˜› I didn't know about the last one though. I don't think I'll ever get used to calling starfish a "seastar." It sounds very odd, haha.

    Regarding your comment, I was just solely focusing on young boys such as those bullies from the video for that specific entry even though I know anyone of any kind of gender engage in bullying activities.

  4. THuyy says:

    WTFFF LITTLE FOOT NEVER EXISTED?!?!?!
    I mean, I remember when it first came out that Pluto wasn't a planet anymore, that was big news and it crushed my elementary child heart, but the last two I've NEVER heard of. And I can't believe it.
    I have probably seen all the Land Before Time movies over 10 times each and learning this has just…ugh.
    And hell, they better not try and say that Cera the triceratops from LBT wasn't real either. God dammit scientists!

    oh hey, btw I'm back! (: Remember mee?

  5. Jenny says:

    You'd think that scientists would have better things to do with their time than demoting planets, but apparently not -__- I had no idea about the starfish & brontosaurus thing though. Seastar? Really? smh

  6. Holly says:

    Science ruins everything, and this is coming from a future scientist haha!!

    I hate how scientists keep telling us that we can't eat certain foods because it will ultimately lead to our deaths. Who cares, I like food too much!!

  7. Debbie/Mom says:

    Too funny! Haha. My childhood memories are all bogus too….basically everything that I was taught is wrong: Red meat is not good for you, smoking cigarettes is not a harmless pass time, and Richard Nixon was not a great man! So….I feel ya. The dinosaur thing is sad.

  8. Rachel H says:

    Pluto will always be a planet to me….
    Always so funny Justin. Love you!

  9. justin says:

    lmfaoo justin you think of the weirdest things ever to blog about, but i always love reading your blogs.. :-] you're brilliant!

  10. Liza says:

    This is me attempting to be first commenter, but I highly doubt it'll happen. I only just commented your blog a few hours ago… Geez, dude.

    "I've got a message for the IAU: next time you touch one of my planets, I'm gonna kick Uranus." NICE. πŸ˜€ I don't remember what the new mnemonic is that teachers are teaching kids these days for the planets. :L On Tumblr there's a picture of a placemat showing the solar system. Pluto… is there… Pluto is… crying. Literally; there are literally blue tears coming from Pluto's eyes. πŸ™ I wish I could find it again.

    WHAT THE HELL. I THOUGHT IT WAS JUST PLUTO THEY MESSED WITH. OH. MY. GOSH. NONONO. SCREW SCIENCE, THIS IS WHY I HATE IT. THEY CANNOT TAKE AWAY MY FREAKING DINOSAURS. THE END.

    CORRECTION. THEY CANNOT TAKE AWAY ANYTHING ELSE IN MY CHILDHOOD, DAMMIT. OHMYGOSH.

    I think these scientists who are declaring this are just pissed off because they didn't find said dinosaurs first/want to be popular or whatever the hell it is, and they are creating these stupid analyses, and it's ruining everything. I mean, seriously. I give up. I still will call Pluto a planet. I will still believe all my dinos from childhood are REAL, and I will still keep my sea creatures' names as I fuh-reaking learned them, dear Science. THANKYOUVERYMUCH.

    …And doesn't "asteroidea" sound more like a space term? Ugh, people are getting stupider by the second.

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