Elvis Hasn’t Left the Building – Justin Hanks

Elvis Hasn’t Left the Building

Justin Hanks
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Elvis Presley was one of the most popular singers of the 20th century. With his commanding voice and charismatic stage presence, he rose from humble circumstances to launch a rock and roll revolution. Strangely, despite his success, he’s best known for his mysterious death. An event so unexpected, some people deny it even happened; claiming, rather, that he still walks among us. If true, their claims put those bath salt zombies to shame.

These people base their claims on “Elvis sightings.” They say they’ve spotted him at a grocery store, at a gas station, at a Wendy’s drive-through…

So why am I bringing this up? Well, my mom is one of these conspiracy-theorist nutjobs. No, she hasn’t had an Elvis sighting (perhaps she would if she ate more Frostys), but nonetheless, she is absolutely positive that Elvis is still alive. In fact, she even “knows” his new identity: a Bible thumper from Oklahoma named Jon Cotner.

She’s not alone in this theory. The Internet is flooded with speculation, and to everyone’s credit, there are some spooky coincidences. Jon Cotner and Elvis share the same birthday, same singing voice, same facial structure, and Cotner was even sighted chillin’ with Lisa Marie Presley.

But that’s where it stops. Scientifically, there is no evidence proving Elvis and Cotner are the same person. Zero. Zip. Nada. If Elvis is still alive, he could just as easily be anyone else. I mean, with his wavy hair, designer shades, and white sequined jumpsuits, all signs point to Lady Gaga.

Besides, sporting a tummy and a thick white beard, Jon Cotner looks more like Santa Claus. Therefore, if we’re going to assume Jon Cotner is Elvis, by the transitive property, we must also conclude that Elvis became Santa. It makes just as much sense.

Perhaps Elvis was assigned to be Santa (kinda like jury duty), so he gained a bunch of weight and faked his death. It would explain his Christmas albums… And maybe the Elvis impersonators in Las Vegas are his elves?

Hell, why stop at Santa? Maybe Elvis is the answer to all the world’s greatest mysteries. Don’t believe me? Check out these grainy, pixelated photos I took…

Clearly, Elvis is also the Lochness Monster… Maybe he sang about hound dogs because “You Ain’t Nothin’ but a Sea Creature” wasn’t as catchy.

Elvis also built Stonehenge. It’s the infamous “Jailhouse ROCK.” After all, he is the King of ROCK and roll…

Elvis is also Bigfoot. His blue suede shoes are at least a size 30.

I could keep going, but these startling revelations are messing with my mind. I’m baffled. I’m terrified. I’m all shook up

43 Responses

  1. Mom says:

    The autopsy could have been a cover-up. Just sayin'. You can get any doctor to say anything for the right price…..plus, Elvis testified at that time against some organized crime figure & rather put him in witness relocation, the FBI could have faked his death. The FBI made Sammy "The Bull" Gravano disappear after he testified against John Gotti & then years later, he was found in Arizona & then wrote a book because he didn't want to stay "hidden or dead" any longer. Weirder things have happened!!

  2. Stephanie says:

    Lol! Cotner is quite similar. And is probably about the same age too.

    (But Elvis had an autopsy. Surely, they would have noticed if the body was fake, right? And if Elvis hadn't died, then he probably killed a man. I'd rather not think that.)

  3. Kitty says:

    Gackkk! The King haz returned? I shall kiss his hairy, bigfeet… Mmmm.. Just imagine Elvis in Santa outfit climbing up and down the chimneys…

  4. Rissa Saeger says:

    OMG, sorry I am getting back to you so late. But thank you so much, and your layout is flawless!!!

  5. Liza says:

    Haha, so your mom reads your blog, too. Interesting. ๐Ÿ˜› Only my mom reads mine for different purposes, I'm sure. :p

    Either way, nice post. Didn't know there were/are Elvis zealots out there who believe he is still alive. As for your mom… perhaps she just has a huge crush on him still? ๐Ÿ™‚

  6. Jenny says:

    LOL, Lady Gaga. On the other hand, that Jon Cotner guy seriously does resemble Elvis, I can see why people still think he's alive.

  7. Rachel H says:

    LMAO at moms comment. Just Copy and Paste it in your blog to show how NUTS she is lol

  8. Rachel H says:

    Santa Elvis!!! lol Jon Cotner is really Santa Elvis in disguise!! The christmas album is my evidence!
    Also, the lochness monster picture cracked me up Justin…that was funny. I love that mom read your article and just lost her shit laughing…she knows she is nuts lol. Well you are always hilarious Justin!!! Love you

  9. Mom says:

    By the way, I love this blog. The King lives!!

  10. Mom says:

    Justin, Elvis is Jon Cotner!! Don't forget the photographs of him at Graceland in 1978; Bill Bixby's revelation of Elvis faking his death; the name spelled wrong on the tomb; Elvis's best friend saying that, "we did this for Elvis"; Jon Cotner admitting that he was Elvis & he did what he did to protect his family; Elvis telling Wayne Newton that he couldn't go on as Elvis any longer, right before his death; first his friend found him on the bed, then the bathroom, then Lisa Maria found him….the story kept changing; and most of all…..Why in the heck is Lisa Marie Presley hanging out with Jon Cotner?????

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