Elvis Hasn’t Left the Building – Justin Hanks

Elvis Hasn’t Left the Building

Justin Hanks
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Elvis Presley was one of the most popular singers of the 20th century. With his commanding voice and charismatic stage presence, he rose from humble circumstances to launch a rock and roll revolution. Strangely, despite his success, he’s best known for his mysterious death. An event so unexpected, some people deny it even happened; claiming, rather, that he still walks among us. If true, their claims put those bath salt zombies to shame.

These people base their claims on “Elvis sightings.” They say they’ve spotted him at a grocery store, at a gas station, at a Wendy’s drive-through…

So why am I bringing this up? Well, my mom is one of these conspiracy-theorist nutjobs. No, she hasn’t had an Elvis sighting (perhaps she would if she ate more Frostys), but nonetheless, she is absolutely positive that Elvis is still alive. In fact, she even “knows” his new identity: a Bible thumper from Oklahoma named Jon Cotner.

She’s not alone in this theory. The Internet is flooded with speculation, and to everyone’s credit, there are some spooky coincidences. Jon Cotner and Elvis share the same birthday, same singing voice, same facial structure, and Cotner was even sighted chillin’ with Lisa Marie Presley.

But that’s where it stops. Scientifically, there is no evidence proving Elvis and Cotner are the same person. Zero. Zip. Nada. If Elvis is still alive, he could just as easily be anyone else. I mean, with his wavy hair, designer shades, and white sequined jumpsuits, all signs point to Lady Gaga.

Besides, sporting a tummy and a thick white beard, Jon Cotner looks more like Santa Claus. Therefore, if we’re going to assume Jon Cotner is Elvis, by the transitive property, we must also conclude that Elvis became Santa. It makes just as much sense.

Perhaps Elvis was assigned to be Santa (kinda like jury duty), so he gained a bunch of weight and faked his death. It would explain his Christmas albums… And maybe the Elvis impersonators in Las Vegas are his elves?

Hell, why stop at Santa? Maybe Elvis is the answer to all the world’s greatest mysteries. Don’t believe me? Check out these grainy, pixelated photos I took…

Clearly, Elvis is also the Lochness Monster… Maybe he sang about hound dogs because “You Ain’t Nothin’ but a Sea Creature” wasn’t as catchy.

Elvis also built Stonehenge. It’s the infamous “Jailhouse ROCK.” After all, he is the King of ROCK and roll…

Elvis is also Bigfoot. His blue suede shoes are at least a size 30.

I could keep going, but these startling revelations are messing with my mind. I’m baffled. I’m terrified. I’m all shook up

43 Responses

  1. Mom says:

    Justin, Elvis is Jon Cotner!! Don't forget the photographs of him at Graceland in 1978; Bill Bixby's revelation of Elvis faking his death; the name spelled wrong on the tomb; Elvis's best friend saying that, "we did this for Elvis"; Jon Cotner admitting that he was Elvis & he did what he did to protect his family; Elvis telling Wayne Newton that he couldn't go on as Elvis any longer, right before his death; first his friend found him on the bed, then the bathroom, then Lisa Maria found him….the story kept changing; and most of all…..Why in the heck is Lisa Marie Presley hanging out with Jon Cotner?????

  2. Mom says:

    By the way, I love this blog. The King lives!!

  3. Rachel H says:

    Santa Elvis!!! lol Jon Cotner is really Santa Elvis in disguise!! The christmas album is my evidence!
    Also, the lochness monster picture cracked me up Justin…that was funny. I love that mom read your article and just lost her shit laughing…she knows she is nuts lol. Well you are always hilarious Justin!!! Love you

  4. Rachel H says:

    LMAO at moms comment. Just Copy and Paste it in your blog to show how NUTS she is lol

  5. Jenny says:

    LOL, Lady Gaga. On the other hand, that Jon Cotner guy seriously does resemble Elvis, I can see why people still think he's alive.

  6. Liza says:

    Haha, so your mom reads your blog, too. Interesting. ๐Ÿ˜› Only my mom reads mine for different purposes, I'm sure. :p

    Either way, nice post. Didn't know there were/are Elvis zealots out there who believe he is still alive. As for your mom… perhaps she just has a huge crush on him still? ๐Ÿ™‚

  7. Rissa Saeger says:

    OMG, sorry I am getting back to you so late. But thank you so much, and your layout is flawless!!!

  8. Kitty says:

    Gackkk! The King haz returned? I shall kiss his hairy, bigfeet… Mmmm.. Just imagine Elvis in Santa outfit climbing up and down the chimneys…

  9. Stephanie says:

    Lol! Cotner is quite similar. And is probably about the same age too.

    (But Elvis had an autopsy. Surely, they would have noticed if the body was fake, right? And if Elvis hadn't died, then he probably killed a man. I'd rather not think that.)

  10. Mom says:

    The autopsy could have been a cover-up. Just sayin'. You can get any doctor to say anything for the right price…..plus, Elvis testified at that time against some organized crime figure & rather put him in witness relocation, the FBI could have faked his death. The FBI made Sammy "The Bull" Gravano disappear after he testified against John Gotti & then years later, he was found in Arizona & then wrote a book because he didn't want to stay "hidden or dead" any longer. Weirder things have happened!!

  11. Blanca says:

    My goodness this blog had me laughing out loud! You're so hilarious; I love it!

    I've never heard about this Jon guy. As much as I don't believe in conspiracies, I love reading about them. My favorite has got to be the Illuminati. hahahaha

    Did you know that a lot of people (espeically black people) dislike Elvis? I took a History of Rock class last semester and this guy gave a presentation about why Elvis is disliked. Apparently, Elvis used to go to black singer shows (back in the day during segregation) and imitate the dance moves and dance styles of a black artist. (I can't remember his name) Since white audiences didn't bother listening to black music, Elvis got all the credit. It's actually very eye opening. Nevertheless, I'm an Elvis fan.

    Hey, maybe Elvis hasn't left the building yet. Maybe he just left his career to peruse a quiet life. haha

    Thanks for the fun read!

  12. Meaghan says:

    I don't know any for men. :S Michelle Phan made a tutorial for guys! I didn't watch it though…
    WHAT. How can you say that. Men that have smooth skin are yummy.
    Well… imagine a baby's bottom that's not covered in poop & rashes. It's silky smoooooth. ๐Ÿ˜‰

    I've heard of these supposed "Elvis sightings." I don't believe in them. And I've never heard about that Jon guy… strange. He does resemble Elvis! Hit him up on Facebook & ask!
    They do sound alike… that is creepy. Maybe they're twins!? And Elvis hid that from society until he died…

  13. Meaghan says:

    Uhm… is putting aftershave on after shaving a men's beauty tip? If so, one point for me!

    Of course that's what he would say! Psh. But I'm still sticking with my twin theory. ๐Ÿ™‚

    Uhm uhm uhm I can't think of anything exciting! ๐Ÿ™ You tell me something!

  14. Meaghan says:

    Lol I don't know what it does either. I'm gonna google it & tell you.

    Nothing exciting's going on right now…
    But I am going to Reno in August! And I have an overnight orientation afterwards. I'm going to be rooming with strangers! ๐Ÿ™ And the dorms at my school suck.

  15. Olivia says:

    There used to be a log ride at a fair I used to go to! But they got rid of it for some reason ๐Ÿ™ Sucks, lol.

    Thank you very much! ๐Ÿ™‚ I love Katy Perry so much, haha.

    I went on vacation to Mackinaw. We stayed in Mackinaw City but we went to Mackinaw Island. The boat dock is in Mackinaw City. It's in Michigan, where I live, lol. So you might not know of it. I don't really know a whole lot of people that aren't from Michigan and know about those places xD But it's AMAZING, lol.

  16. Erica says:

    omglol to pretty much all of this. From the bath salt zombie comment to you being all shook up. I have to say, I didn't know about this "Jon Cotner" conspiratorial thing, but holy god damn, when I looked him I was floored by how much they actually look alike. There's a very striking resemblance between the two, I don't think that fact can be argued, that's for true.

  17. Meaghan says:

    Aftershave helps moisturize your face after shaving and prevent razor burn.

    Sure, I'll just put you in my pocket. ๐Ÿ™‚

    That's… nice lol. Did you know that one sneeze is 1/16 of an orgasm? So if you sneeze 16 times in a row, you just came. LOL.

  18. Jamie says:

    OMFG, Justin this is the most hilarious post ever!!!! Quite frankly, you skipped the part about his funeral being a fraud/fake too. Some say that they even made his body into a wax figurine as they've never seen anyone sweat in the middle of the heat like that!!! Though my dad's an Elvis freak, and he still believes that he may still be a live where is unknown.

    Thanks for your comment. It's quite alright though. What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger. I'm sadden, that I have to put up with this bullshit at this house and what not for two and a half weeks, but after that I'm gone and on my OWN!!! I hit the jackpot though which I will later talk about in my blog. :).

  19. Deanna says:

    Haha, nice pictures. Your posts are always so funny. I really wonder if Elvis is alive. Wouldn't that be the craziest thing? How could you hide in public for so long. That would be quite a talent I think.

  20. Hahahah! I've heard or read about Elvis sightings even some movies try to hype the mystery.

    Now, I'm quite intrigued with his death. (Checking Wikipedia now ๐Ÿ™‚ )

  21. Chynna says:

    Wait.
    What?
    People still think he's alive?! Oh my. People and their conspiracy theories. I do enjoy reading them because some of them are so ridiculous and far-fetched.

    LOL AT THOSE PICTURES. XD

    Seriously, if you were caught in that rain you would NOT have liked it. I was literally swimming in that rain ๐Ÿ™

    I love sci-fi as well ๐Ÿ˜€ I'm going to watch rewatch Firefly after I finish this comment, actually. Ha! Checked out Fallen Skies wiki, and it looks pretty good – might give it a spin ๐Ÿ˜€ I'm going to guess that you like Doctor Who? Well, I'm hoping. That's my favourite show. Ever. Full stop.

  22. Mom says:

    Click my name for an article about this topic that is VERY interesting….

  23. Cat says:

    haha, nice photos at the end! I'm always amazed at what conspiracy theorists say. I didn't know about Jon Cotner though. I have to admit… they do sound and look very similar!

  24. Dorine says:

    This is creeping me out. I’m alone at home.

    Your posts always make me laugh! I don’t know much about Elvis Presley but he’s utterly popular. I read in a book once about a sighting so it’s confusing as to whether…

  25. Liv says:

    Haha! And someone was saying my boring entry made her laugh.

    Since none of us were born when Elvis was so successful, I'd just have to use an analogy. If my favorite singer ever became like Elvis and dies mysteriously, I think I too would be quite convinced he is still alive.

    But who knows? Maybe life is like one of those anime stories where everyone assumes a character has died when he hasn't. In other words, if Elvis were alive, life would be more interesting.

  26. Alice says:

    LMAO SOB at your pictures. And wow, I didn't know that people thought that there were conspiracies about his death… and life… and stuff >.> I thought he, like, died from overdosing on pills and threw up in a toilet and then died after that or something o.O W e i r d.

  27. Colette says:

    Hahahaha this post was very well written, Justin! You are a great blogger and it is always a pleasure to read you. You know, people want to believe what they want, and no matter what you say or whatever proofs you bring them, they will stick to their idea of what is the 'truth'. It is sad, but that's what human nature is after all!

  28. Josie says:

    Hahaha, I can't emphasise enough the amusement I felt from this post! I love the pictures too, you obviously put a lot of effort into your blogs rather than just go on rants like I do ๐Ÿ˜›

    I wonder why people would think it a conspiracy though, like, are they saying he just didn't wanna be famous any more so he pretended to die? :S

  29. Lisa says:

    I must start subscribing to your feed. That picture of Loch Ness/Elvis fusion is too much. Looks surreal!

    The world wouldn't be as interesting without conspiracies and their believers. Somehow, it all connects and adds up, these conspiracies.

    In my opinion, your arguments are valid. I always suspected there was something fishy with that Santa.

    In reply to your comment: I wish I was able to make miniature pianos. I'm thinking of starting to take the credit, but I'm sure the lady I bought it from wouldn't like that (since it says it's handmade and all).

  30. Jamie says:

    Oh my gosh you're right! He MUST be the lochness monster. It's the only thing that makes sense. haha (: This post was very…eye-opening. I had no idea the whole "Elvis lives!" theory existed. I don't believe I shall partake in the community of believers but it's definitely entertaining nonetheless.

  31. Sakura says:

    Yeah, it was amazing. I managed to buy lots of things that I wanted and took lots of photos. Unfortunately, it was an extremely tiring trip as we have to rush around.

  32. Christa says:

    Most of those who say he's still alive, I think are just trying to hold onto a part of their youth – I say that because most of those who run with the thought he's still alive are ones who grew up listening to him. Which is cool, think whatever you want, but it's not newsworthy…I mean some days I see look-a-likes but it's not the top story on the 5:00 news. Yes…I'm not an Elvis fan at all.

  33. Thuyy says:

    … huh? …NAHHH. That's not possible. Elvis is dead, I read it in my history textbook. lol LEAVE HIM ALONE!! D:

    Goodness, Justin, those pictures are… very… well-photoshopped. lol

  34. Uglyfish says:

    I personally have seen the Loch Ness Monster and can confirm that it really is Elvis. My Dad denied it, but I think he might be involved in the cover up.

    You're very brave giving this information to the public….

  35. Nancy says:

    I have had an "Elvis signting" recently. I saw him doing pullups at X Fest where the X Games took place last month. I have a picture of him somewhere in my twitter media archives!

    With the internet being all powerful these days, these speculations about Elvis still being around is just as crazy as the conspiracists. With all of these ideas about Elvis still here, is it up to us to believe what really goes down?

    At the very most, I'm more convinced that Elvis is a member of the us navy. I mean, he did do 15 pullups without a problem. (1 is a challenge for me. Go band kids!)

  36. Jhase says:

    Elvis lives in my gym. I'm sure of it. One day, I will expose him for the hidden creature he is! He will then provide me with this fountain of youth for living in hiding so long! THE MYSTERY WILL BE MINE!

    Or we'll just share some coke and lime, while he serenades me. One or the other, I'm fine with either.

  37. nyuu says:

    It's NOT impossible, but I think he's pretty much dead for a long time now. (lol unless he's really Lady Gaga, then that is pretty cool, too). It would be so much easier if he was the answer to everything mysterious about our world, though haha

  38. Holly says:

    I've not seen Elvis but I have seen people that I am sure are suppose to be dead. Okay I sound crazy now…

    According to the True Blood books, Elvis is a vampire, but he hasn't converted properly and he's a little bit slow.

  39. JHEN says:

    I'm not very familiar with him xD i guess I'm not that updated at all o.O tehee. though, Those images kinda annoy me and make me laugh xD hahaha :))

  40. Jenny says:

    i too wanted to believe that Elvis Presley and Jon Cotner were the same but they are not. Tell your mum that Elvis had large (long floppy) ear lobes and Jon Cotner has shorter neat ear lobes. It is physically impossible for ear lobes to get shorter with age. Also, Elvis and Jon have totally different skin complexions…Elvis had skin that would tan in the sun but Jon's fair skin just goes red. Elvis never had a ruddy complexion. I am guessing that Jon would have had reddish hair before he went grey.

  41. jean says:

    If Elvis is alive to come out of wood work and prove it to us. Or take me to him.

  42. Mom says:

    Hi. Just wanted to say that since this blog was originally written, there has been a lot of Jon Cotner activity & speculation on the internet. It appears that Elvis truly has NOT left the building….lol. I am more convinced, than ever, that Jon Cotner is is one and only King. The reasons are many, so I'm not going to list them all, but this even makes Elvis even cooler, in my book. He pulled it off & when he wanted to come back out, he did it mysteriously, just like he did everything else. I love Elvis/Jon Cotner. No, I am not nuts….just observant.

  43. ian harrison says:

    Totally agree with mom,u just av to look at Elvis and cotner together they have exactly the same mark or indentation above the left eyebrow ,game set and match

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My name is Justin, and this website is devoted to my many hobbies. From writing and web development to theater and cosplay, I'm always up to something. I havenโ€™t been myself ever since I was born.

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