Elvis Hasn’t Left the Building – Justin Hanks

Elvis Hasn’t Left the Building

Justin Hanks
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Elvis Presley was one of the most popular singers of the 20th century. With his commanding voice and charismatic stage presence, he rose from humble circumstances to launch a rock and roll revolution. Strangely, despite his success, he’s best known for his mysterious death. An event so unexpected, some people deny it even happened; claiming, rather, that he still walks among us. If true, their claims put those bath salt zombies to shame.

These people base their claims on “Elvis sightings.” They say they’ve spotted him at a grocery store, at a gas station, at a Wendy’s drive-through…

So why am I bringing this up? Well, my mom is one of these conspiracy-theorist nutjobs. No, she hasn’t had an Elvis sighting (perhaps she would if she ate more Frostys), but nonetheless, she is absolutely positive that Elvis is still alive. In fact, she even “knows” his new identity: a Bible thumper from Oklahoma named Jon Cotner.

She’s not alone in this theory. The Internet is flooded with speculation, and to everyone’s credit, there are some spooky coincidences. Jon Cotner and Elvis share the same birthday, same singing voice, same facial structure, and Cotner was even sighted chillin’ with Lisa Marie Presley.

But that’s where it stops. Scientifically, there is no evidence proving Elvis and Cotner are the same person. Zero. Zip. Nada. If Elvis is still alive, he could just as easily be anyone else. I mean, with his wavy hair, designer shades, and white sequined jumpsuits, all signs point to Lady Gaga.

Besides, sporting a tummy and a thick white beard, Jon Cotner looks more like Santa Claus. Therefore, if we’re going to assume Jon Cotner is Elvis, by the transitive property, we must also conclude that Elvis became Santa. It makes just as much sense.

Perhaps Elvis was assigned to be Santa (kinda like jury duty), so he gained a bunch of weight and faked his death. It would explain his Christmas albums… And maybe the Elvis impersonators in Las Vegas are his elves?

Hell, why stop at Santa? Maybe Elvis is the answer to all the world’s greatest mysteries. Don’t believe me? Check out these grainy, pixelated photos I took…

Clearly, Elvis is also the Lochness Monster… Maybe he sang about hound dogs because “You Ain’t Nothin’ but a Sea Creature” wasn’t as catchy.

Elvis also built Stonehenge. It’s the infamous “Jailhouse ROCK.” After all, he is the King of ROCK and roll…

Elvis is also Bigfoot. His blue suede shoes are at least a size 30.

I could keep going, but these startling revelations are messing with my mind. I’m baffled. I’m terrified. I’m all shook up

43 Responses

  1. Hahahah! I've heard or read about Elvis sightings even some movies try to hype the mystery.

    Now, I'm quite intrigued with his death. (Checking Wikipedia now 🙂 )

  2. Deanna says:

    Haha, nice pictures. Your posts are always so funny. I really wonder if Elvis is alive. Wouldn't that be the craziest thing? How could you hide in public for so long. That would be quite a talent I think.

  3. Jamie says:

    OMFG, Justin this is the most hilarious post ever!!!! Quite frankly, you skipped the part about his funeral being a fraud/fake too. Some say that they even made his body into a wax figurine as they've never seen anyone sweat in the middle of the heat like that!!! Though my dad's an Elvis freak, and he still believes that he may still be a live where is unknown.

    Thanks for your comment. It's quite alright though. What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger. I'm sadden, that I have to put up with this bullshit at this house and what not for two and a half weeks, but after that I'm gone and on my OWN!!! I hit the jackpot though which I will later talk about in my blog. :).

  4. Meaghan says:

    Aftershave helps moisturize your face after shaving and prevent razor burn.

    Sure, I'll just put you in my pocket. 🙂

    That's… nice lol. Did you know that one sneeze is 1/16 of an orgasm? So if you sneeze 16 times in a row, you just came. LOL.

  5. Erica says:

    omglol to pretty much all of this. From the bath salt zombie comment to you being all shook up. I have to say, I didn't know about this "Jon Cotner" conspiratorial thing, but holy god damn, when I looked him I was floored by how much they actually look alike. There's a very striking resemblance between the two, I don't think that fact can be argued, that's for true.

  6. Olivia says:

    There used to be a log ride at a fair I used to go to! But they got rid of it for some reason 🙁 Sucks, lol.

    Thank you very much! 🙂 I love Katy Perry so much, haha.

    I went on vacation to Mackinaw. We stayed in Mackinaw City but we went to Mackinaw Island. The boat dock is in Mackinaw City. It's in Michigan, where I live, lol. So you might not know of it. I don't really know a whole lot of people that aren't from Michigan and know about those places xD But it's AMAZING, lol.

  7. Meaghan says:

    Lol I don't know what it does either. I'm gonna google it & tell you.

    Nothing exciting's going on right now…
    But I am going to Reno in August! And I have an overnight orientation afterwards. I'm going to be rooming with strangers! 🙁 And the dorms at my school suck.

  8. Meaghan says:

    Uhm… is putting aftershave on after shaving a men's beauty tip? If so, one point for me!

    Of course that's what he would say! Psh. But I'm still sticking with my twin theory. 🙂

    Uhm uhm uhm I can't think of anything exciting! 🙁 You tell me something!

  9. Meaghan says:

    I don't know any for men. :S Michelle Phan made a tutorial for guys! I didn't watch it though…
    WHAT. How can you say that. Men that have smooth skin are yummy.
    Well… imagine a baby's bottom that's not covered in poop & rashes. It's silky smoooooth. 😉

    I've heard of these supposed "Elvis sightings." I don't believe in them. And I've never heard about that Jon guy… strange. He does resemble Elvis! Hit him up on Facebook & ask!
    They do sound alike… that is creepy. Maybe they're twins!? And Elvis hid that from society until he died…

  10. Blanca says:

    My goodness this blog had me laughing out loud! You're so hilarious; I love it!

    I've never heard about this Jon guy. As much as I don't believe in conspiracies, I love reading about them. My favorite has got to be the Illuminati. hahahaha

    Did you know that a lot of people (espeically black people) dislike Elvis? I took a History of Rock class last semester and this guy gave a presentation about why Elvis is disliked. Apparently, Elvis used to go to black singer shows (back in the day during segregation) and imitate the dance moves and dance styles of a black artist. (I can't remember his name) Since white audiences didn't bother listening to black music, Elvis got all the credit. It's actually very eye opening. Nevertheless, I'm an Elvis fan.

    Hey, maybe Elvis hasn't left the building yet. Maybe he just left his career to peruse a quiet life. haha

    Thanks for the fun read!

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My name is Justin, and this website is devoted to my many hobbies. From writing and web development to theater and cosplay, I'm always up to something. I haven’t been myself ever since I was born.

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