The Olympics Needs More Boobs – Justin Hanks

The Olympics Needs More Boobs

Justin Hanks
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With the 2012 London Olympics underway, I can’t help but feel the spirit. Unlike other television broadcasts, the Olympics has me so pumped that I’m actively participating. In the past few days, I’ve found myself yelling at the TV screen, attempting to recreate the gymnastics routines (I almost broke a lamp), Googling all the countries I didn’t know existed, and hypothesizing whether or not the medals are secretly giant chocolate coins. I can’t believe how much fun I’m having. Whoever came up with the Olympics deserves a yummy gold medal.

The Olympics is a fantastic way to bring countries together and create world peace; by making everyone violent and irrationally competitive towards each other. I’m having such a blast. If I had to complain, my only gripe would be the selection of sports. This year, they added golf and rugby, which are some solid choices, but I think they can do better. Here’s a list of activities I’d rather watch the athletes perform…

1. Untangling Headphones

Okay, so this might not sound very engaging at first, but if you think about it; untangling headphones is a definite challenge. It requires a very particular set of skills… skills one must acquire over a very long career… skills that make me a nightmare for people like you (if you don’t get the reference by now, go rent Taken). But seriously, anyone who can unscramble a mess of cords quickly, and calmly, deserves some serious praise and recognition. I can’t do it. After a mere 30 seconds, I’m already bat-shit insane and trying to hang myself with them.

And to be honest, there’s something very fishy about tangled headphones. I mean, they’re never tangled when I put them away. It’s like there’s a tiny knot-tying goblin in my pocket who’s screwing with me. So in conclusion, if we make “untangling” an Olympic sport, we’ll get to watch in awe as athletes from different countries kick some tiny goblin ass.

2. Trying to Open a Door While Drunk

I know from personal experience that alcohol + door = one hella good time. Every time I get wasted, doorknobs “quit working.” I can twist and turn them all I want, but they become one of the most confusing things in the world; up there with calculus, physics, and what women see in Russell Brand. With that in mind, imagine how entertaining it would be to watch an Olympic athlete chug a bottle of vodka, count to thirty, spin in a few circles, and try to open a door.

Unlike other Olympic sports, the drunk-door-a-thon would bring an element of unpredictability. Imagine Michael Phelps… Maybe he’d be a friendly drunk, telling the door how much he loves it. Maybe he’d be an angry drunk, telling the door it’s not his real father. Maybe he’d swim a couple laps in a pool of his own vomit. Maybe he’d words up his mix. Maybe he’d grab a twig, call it his wand, and repeatedly shout toward the door, “Alohomora!”

3. Crushing Things with your Boobs

The amount of awesome butts in the Olympics should make everyone feel proud on a global level… but we can do better. The Olympics needs more boobs. Now, before you call me a pervert, let me point out that I’m gay. I have no interest in boobs. They frighten me. In fact, I think they look like giant eyeballs. Like the Mona Lisa, no matter where I’m observing them from, they’re always staring back at me. But I digress… more boobs in the Olympics would be great for the straight male audience. Also, there’s this video.

In case you’re too frightened to watch the clip, let me summarize it for you: a woman appears on a talent show and uses her watermelon-sized breasticles to demolish a pile of beer cans. As disturbing as it sounds, it’s pretty impressive. I mean, it takes 40 lbs of pressure to squish a beer can. With proper training, athletes could use their knockers to flatten bricks, cars, airplanes, etc… And there’d finally be a pro to having manboobs. Seriously, the woman in this video has the perfect Olympic cocktail: skill, practice, determination, and unnatural body enhancements… Just don’t ask her to open a bottle of wine for God’s sake.

58 Responses

  1. Mallory says:

    You were right on Twitter before, this is definitely one of your most disturbing blog posts. I mean, c'mon, man, CORD UNTANGLING as an Olympic sport? Mentions of cord goblins? DRUNK BATTLE READY OCTOPI?! Christ, man, you need to be stopped! You need your computer taken away from 'ya and you need to be locked up for a good long while!

    My oh my. Pure craziness!

    =P =P =P

    PS: ILY.

  2. Rachel H says:

    Always hilarious Justin. When I first started reading this I was like ok…where is this headed and of course it was headed towards greatness LMAO I cracked up at the boob crushing video. They should just make a redneck Olympics and let you host it. I'd watch it lol but you have to get me a spot on it. I would fail horribly at the boobs category πŸ™ haha
    "It requires a very particular set of skills… skills one must acquire over a very long career…" -so funny!! Love you!

  3. Hi Justin! Hilarious! I think they should also have pingpong shows as part of the Olympics. My friends saw one during their trip in Thailand and they were amaze how a vaj can even open bottles of beer!

    Also I heard that some people are suggesting to have pole dancing included in the Olympics.

    When it comes to tangled cords, it’s really frustrating when you neatly roll it into a lasso and suddenly when you fish it out from the pocket it’s in a total mess.

  4. Elaine says:

    lol this got me laughing. like really. it does entertain me. Honestly, it's been a while since the last time I watched the olympics. I don't know why but maybe I just got really really busy and got used of not watching it anymore. I love synchronize swimming though and gymnastics. that's what I always look forward on watching back in the days.

  5. Elaine says:

    hey! i'm not sure if it's okay to reply here (lemme know if not..lol) Anyways, uhm. going 10 months. LOL. were batchmates way back grade school. after that he left for the states. So yeah. and thanks! πŸ™‚ How are you?

  6. Elaine says:

    He's half filipino half american. His dad lives in maryland and thinks education in US is way better than here (which I can say yeah).

    And yeah, you're right. it's not that long but I don't know, it feels like were so sure about what we want. Maybe because we've been through a lot in a short span of time.

    yayyy! going home in a few. what do you do btw? lol sorry for throwing a lot of question. haha

  7. Liza says:

    Well this is interesting, really. I haven't watched Taken yet, but I want to. Can't afford to rent it… Crazy, yes?

    I'm one of those that are too scared to watch the video you've posted. .-.

    …don't get me started on your writing errors, sir.

  8. mom says:

    Haha!!!!!!! Very funny. Also, I saw all of those freaky boob ladies on Youtube. That was funny too. I like the headphones thing. It cracked me up. I think you should do a blog about Elvis in the Olympics….that would really be funny. Your blogs keep getting funnier and funnier. Maybe "Funny Blogging" could be an Olympic event? Love ya!!

  9. Gillian says:

    firstly, hilar, you are. I could not agree with you more. The "sports" you recommended would be unbelievably interesting to watch.
    I can relate completely to the untangling wires issue. I've got made fun of several times cause I get too lazy to untangle the wires, so I wear the earphones tangled, so there's casually a white ball of wires hanging under my chin, looks like a tumor.

    Phelps would definitely win his 20th gold medal in the 100m vomit relay. Hope to see it aired globally soon.

    Orginally when I read the title of the blog, I thought it was going to be about the lack of boobs on female gymnasts and swimmers. But ya'know, boob crushing works. Those olympians have so much muscle they could crush anything, even if they are flat-chested.

  10. Meaghan says:

    Before I reply to your comment….
    YOUR MOM READS YOUR BLOGS!? I was scrolling through your comments… What even.
    Is that really your mom?
    WHY. o.o

    And you don't have rat's nest hair. I've seen it in pictures! Isn't it curly? I like pulling strands of curly hair until it's straight & then letting them "boing" back. πŸ˜€

    Thank you… I guess. I'm glad you didn't vomit all over your keyboard. :3

    LOL you don't date losers? You sound like Regina George. If you don't know which movie she's from, SHAME ON YOU.

    I'm not as "pumped" to watch the Olympics as I was the previous years.

    GOLF & RUGBY? I did not know this. I hate golf. It's so boring to watch…

    I think I'd win gold for untangling headphones. Every time someone in my family needs theirs untangled, they ask me. Because I'm a champ. πŸ™‚

    I've never been that drunk before… I've only been drunk once. *asian glow*
    But even then, I could open doors. So ha! Poo on you. :3 I win.

    So… crushing things with boobs…
    I can't do that. Seeing as I'm flat chested to the max. Sadly, I didn't get my Mom's good genes LOL. Tmi?

    I didn't want to get scarred from watching the video, so I didn't. From your description, I was just like O_O.
    I can't help but think… doesn't that hurt? D: My boobs are starting to hurt even thinking about it…

  11. Clint says:

    I'm jealous of you watching Olympics games. I wish I have time watching it on TV.

    Okay, those challenges you have created are way cooler than those of the official games from Olympics. I might wanna try out for untangling cords. I might received a gold medal with it. Eeek!

  12. Josie says:

    I've been trying to watch parts of the Olympics, but I keep getting bored and having to change over… There's no way this would happen if your games came into play, that's for sure! Hell, I might even become an Olympian myself ;D

    Those booby-videos scared me… Doesn't that hurt?! And how on Earth did they discover their talents? :S

    I'm glad you like my new layout, I'm much happier with it too πŸ™‚

  13. Lilly says:

    I don't get the Olympics 'cause I'm not into sports, but they have some of the most random things there, heheh.
    I totally agree about the goblin thing, though. I never understood how things can get tangled when they're specifically put away in a position that's to prevent tangling. :|
    Is it strange that I can actually imagine boobs crushing things and drunk games at the Olympics? I think you should write these in; you never know what they're going to add next ;D

    Thanks. Yea, they do look similar but different, therefore I have to have all the shoes xD

  14. Elaine says:

    hey there Justin. Sorry, Woke up late earlier plus our time difference is crazy. And thanks for the compliment. haha!

    I totally don't do anything to get rid of them (not because I don't want them lol) but as per Meaghan " freezing a spoon overnight & when you wake up, just hover it over your eyes & it’ll look less swollen. " hahaha! I'm so gonna try that.

    Oh wow! Software developer. You must be a genius (i get amazed easily lol). Uhm as for me, Nope. Bum as of right now. but hoping to get the homebased job this week (wish me luck!haha). Come next year when we move to california, i'm going back to school. Gonna take up Computer Forensic. Boyfriend's forensic scientist so he wanted me to be somehow on the same field. so how was your day?

  15. Stephanie says:

    OMG those boobs are disproportionately huge, despite the fact that the woman is pretty large to begin with! I wonder how she finds a bra to hold those boobs up… I like my normal-sized boobs. I can find bras anywhere and don't need enormous chest muscles to hold them up. πŸ˜›

    An Irish friend of mine once commented that the Irish don't really win that many medals. But if drinking itself were an event, then the Irish could possible get the gold if they manage to beat the Germans and Russians.

  16. Elaine says:

    wait till Meaghan see it (your dead) hahaha! I don't know if putting cucumber on your eyes overnight will be cool for you tho', hahaha!

    I'm not an expert with computers but I kinda have knowledge about hacking and stuffs (but definitely not a hacker lol). So yeah. And my boyfriend thinks i'm gonna do good at it. Plus the fact that he took up forensic science. What state are you from btw?

  17. Nancy says:

    I love how the Olympics is getting all of the attention this summer. Just yelling at the screen, cheering people on… It sounds familiar- in the cases where the superbowl and the basketball finals take place. But that's a whole different story, right? πŸ˜‰

    I always thought untangling headphones is pretty easy. One of the biggest reasons to that is.. I'm pretty patient, so I tak my time to untanble my headphones. Since I'm using those default Apple headphones, I definitely don't want to ruin it because they ain't tweet.

    When you're drunk, doorknobs automatically becomes your enemy… Except you don't realize that it's not a living thing.

    It's crazy how this woman can crush a can of beer with her breast. All I can imagine is the pain that comes along with it… Unless it's implants?

    We did perform at Disneyland (the hotel) but had no access to the park.. Unless we have our own annual pass. At least it took place during the night so it wasn't as "painful" thinking about how we could have gotten to the park.

    The pictures have different filters :). And I suppose lighting since one was indoor and the other was outside at night (with flash).

    Take care!

  18. Alice says:

    Justin, you are wonderful and every time I read your blog posts I JUST FIND MYSELF SMILING THROUGHOUT THE WHOLE THING. Anyways, though. Yes! With you on the tangled earphones thing–never been drunk so don't know your frustration, although yeah it'd definitely be entertaining to see what types of drunks certain athletes are (especially Michael Phelps! Oh my god your examples XD)
    Crushing things with boobs (I wrote boob crusher originally and then had a horrible image of a guy crushing another woman's boobs xD)… I'd probably be awkwardly aware of my own boobs if I watch that xD

  19. Elaine says:

    Hahaha! calling meaghan!! :)) LMAO!

    i was gonna say try the cucumber thing if you wont think it's too gay to do. lol more feminine? tell me about it!

    yeah, what a coincidence. who knows, I may be working with fbi after college (yeah right! haha). So how was lunch? Sorry late reply. I've been trying to get some sleep since I don't feel well but I couldn't sleep.

  20. Jamie says:

    Okay, there was a slight delay in the move. I did something, but it's getting fixed now. I'm just waiting on my check in the mail. Hopefully they will have it out by Saturday.

    Anyway, the guy with the red flags, he explained a lot to me. So, no more worry there. We're still going strong, and has been six days since we've gotten together. I know we're going to last a LONG time. He feels it too. He let his other friend go though. It was just because she went back to her "ex" husband, and they were friends, so when she went back to her ex-husband, that means no more friendship. They did try the dating thing, but didn't work. He told her he's with me now, and doesn't want to ruin it. Last night, my dad stopped by to give me food, and what not, and my boyfriend wanted to meet my dad (I mean really wanted to meet my dad), but my dad was sweating I guess from working all day, and in the heat, and was tired. He understood, but there's always a next time. So the red flags like I said are gone. Thank you for your offer though lol. I know we live a little bit aways. lol.

    Hmmmm, I've never seen any of the olympics, but I heard that they have some WEIRD and crazy stuff like the one you just mentioned a woman crushing a beer can!!!!

  21. Elaine says:

    My bad. I'm sorry. I just got really hooked on your post since it does gave me a good laugh reading it and wasn't able to check your about me before hand. But I did just now. lol

    and this statement of yours "I'm openly gay (sorry ladies…. the good ones are always taken… by men)." is deffo true. LOOL!

    Oh you were out with a friend. so how was it? must did a lot of catching up.

    My day was fine. Didn't do much since I'm sick and still sick (day 3). Couldn't go out since it's raining hard outside and don't feel like being on the computer for long coz it's causing too much headaches. But I get to check it on my fone just couldn't respond. Weekend is coming. whats your plan this coming weekend? πŸ˜€

  22. Dorine says:

    I seriously should create some sort of code that whenever I visit your website for a comment, it'll automatically insert a "You're awfully hilarious" comment at the top.

    YOU ARE! This post made me laugh – in my mind, but still laugh nonetheless. πŸ˜›

    I think my favourite would be the untangling one, but the old men (in my country, anyway)'s favourite would be the last one. πŸ˜‰

    But hey, they could cheat in the headphones one! What if they aren't properly tangled? Hmm…

  23. Cat says:

    Those would be pretty entertaining to watch if they were in the Olympics! Untangling headphones really is a challenge, especially if you start making it worse. Really though, how do they even get that way?!

    #2 reminds me of drunk games like chugging a beer, spinning around, then trying to get a basketball in the hoop. Imagine all of the possibilities, haha.

    And omg, I watched the video and that's kind of scary. I didn't know you could crush things with boobs. I wouldn't have even thought of doing that!

  24. Lissa says:

    To be honest… I’m not interested in the olympics at all but I really enjoyed reading your post about it. xD It does makes me wonder what kind of things are possible nowadays. xD

  25. Holly says:

    The Olympics has made me all patriotic and proud to be British for possibly the first time in my life.

    They added golf? How did I not know this?! I gave up playing golf 2 years ago after thinking it would get me know where. I could have been an Olympian!

    Oh wow, the video of the woman crushing cans is amazing! That must seriously hurt though. But I agree, men would like more boobs in sport haha!!

  26. Chynna says:

    I would win fucking gold in boob smashing. Mine are massive and I will train them into submission if this sport ever came about. My mother would be so proud.

    Going out to the cluuuuuuub. πŸ˜€ Merrhhhh, I'm sure 21 will just be the same as when I turned 18, lol.

  27. Risha says:

    The Olympics needs a Abs-Off. All the teams get to compete to see who has the nicest set of abs.
    I call bets on the Aussie gymnastics (men's) team, and the US swim (men's) team. PHWOAR.
    What? The Olympics isn't just about me yelling at the tennis on telly, and weeping at every other sport. There's got to be some downtime to drool over the fine specimens trotted out…

  28. Christa says:

    The Olympics to be is…just a reason to find something to do other then watch TV. The only events I watch are the gymnastics – when I was younger I was a gymnast so I still enjoy watching and sometimes doing the random flip in the living room near our glass coffee table.

    Drunk door opening isn't hard for me. Now unlocking a door – that leads to a group of five adults standing on the steps of a house yelling at each other and waking up everyone in the area while we try to figure out which key belongs to the front door. Once that is figured out trying to get the key in the hole is a group effort. The easiest part is opening the door…about two hours later.

    And crushing things with boobs is not an equal opportunity sport considering there are some of us who lack in that area.

  29. Olivia says:

    I haven't started school yet, haha. I start in the middle/end of September. I am definitely not excited to go back, haha. I've been sooooo busy lately. Then when I am finally going to get a break school will be starting again πŸ™ haha. I also can socialize with other people. I choose not to though. Sometimes we actually do gotta xD But I am not a very social person.. haha.

  30. Elaine says:

    heeyy! how are you? everything ok? πŸ™‚

  31. Angelica says:

    lol at those suggested olympic sports! Me and my boyfriend clicked the link and watched the woman crush beer cans with her boobs. My boyfriend asked me if I could do that. I told him I probably couldn't and definitely didn't want to. XD

  32. Uglyfish says:

    I've always wondered if they're giant chocolate coins, I think they are. That way they have a practical use, otherwise they're just big bits of metal.

    I think I could win a medal in headphone untagling, however drunken door opening would stump me. I just think doorknobs and keys hate me when I'm drunk.

    I couldn't watch the video. It seemed a scary thing to watch. I'm quite happy to never squash anything with my boobs…but I reckon it might be there one day as a sport!

  33. Aashni says:

    I absolutely love your suggestions! I would definitely watch all of them! I think another pretty interesting one would be a house chore, like maybe cleaning a kitchen or something like that in the fastest time..

    I love watching the olympics – especially the equestrian events since I used to ride horses πŸ™‚

    And I totally agree with it bringing everyone together! I'm actually really proud that they banned a few people who posted racist tweets etc. – it shows a no tolerance attitude towards that, and is a really good way to help bring the world forward in that regard.

  34. Kristi says:

    Wow . . . pinch me . . . is this real? Or did I come across a really fucking funny blog?

    Sweet πŸ˜€

  35. melle lee says:

    I agree with you when you said that the olympics was fantastic.. It is really fantastic.. I love it.. After watching the opening ceremony, I got addicted. Like totally addicted and watched the games too..

    oh my that thing with crashing things with your boobs seems so pro.. that girl has a huge boobs..

  36. NinjaPirate says:

    Well I think I just died of laughing.

  37. Sakura says:

    It will be quite funny if your suggestions are used in Olympics. I mean… Imagine looking at the contestants attempting to open the door while drunk, that would be quite funny.

  38. Hallo says:

    Hahaha… crazy you!!!

    I like this blog!

    Regards from Belgium

  39. amber says:

    That video was awesome, i wanna lrn how… is that a little creepy???…

  40. Deanna says:

    I agree with you about the ear phone cords. I don't know how they always get tangled. I always put them away so nice and neatly.

  41. nyuu says:

    LOL yes, those "sports" you listed are much more entertaining! I didn't watch the olympics, since I like to eat while watching t.v. (computer screen)..it'll just make me feel bad about the junks I put in my body.

  42. Michael says:

    I hate untangling headphones! Haha, but it is a challenge.

    Also I loved the opening ceremony, but I wasn't keen on the closing ceremony though!

    Michael

  43. Alice says:

    Hey, Justin! Long time no talk. c: I had forgotten how funny you are.

    Honestly, I don't really follow the Olympics, except for maybe soccer and gymnastics. Gymnastics because I love all the cool flippy moves, and soccer because that's basically the only sport Korea is not totally crap at, and my dad watches it. Well, we're good at archery, too, I suppose.

    But if they included those new "sports," I probably would watch the Olympics.

  44. Carrie says:

    lol – yelling at the tv screen! You're so silly! I do that too, when there is a good movie on, lol. The olympics or any sport at that matter has ever caught my attention but it seems pretty interesting. I'm pretty much open to anything and everything now. I have a broad mind and perspective.

    Have fun! Hope you enjoy πŸ™‚

  45. Kenji says:

    Hahahahahahah!!

    All I can say to this post, is thankyou….

    hahaha.

  46. Maria Nina says:

    untangling headphones? I hate it so much! My patience can't take it!

  47. Jenny says:

    LOL, your posts never cease to amuse me. I agree with the untangling of headphones, it looks so easy, but 30-seconds of that is enough to drive anyone crazy. I gave up on mine and just left them tangled, what's the point? -___-

  48. Charlton says:

    When I watched the London Olympics I felt the spirit. I got so excited unlike the other or should I say past Olympic Opening. It looks like I am watching a huge musical play….

  49. Christine says:

    Your posts never fail to make me laugh! After watching nothing but Olympics (my boyfriend has a thing for the beach volleyball girls–he must also be afraid of boobs, haha!) this is refreshing and hilarious! I agree on the drunk door sport, but perhaps adding a flight of stairs before the door would make it more of a challenge?

  50. Michael says:

    haha I just re-read this post as I stumbled across it.

    It think the drunk-door-a-thon would bring an element of unpredictability. The normal games are pretty boring πŸ˜›

  51. dem says:

    what are the strengths Tits!

  52. I am a pirate! IMEAN A HUMAN EVERYDAY! <.< ... says:

    Yes, the drunk-door-a-thon has to be a thing.

  53. Venus says:

    I'm lesbian, but this was funny! And I've already watched taken -_-

  54. Erik says:

    The last one, I would do.

  55. Joanna says:

    When I saw the video I got so scared…o.O But seriously, who could crash beer can with b o o b s… Its scary…

  56. CharlieIsADemigod says:

    I can untangle wires… Does that mean I could be a future Olympic gold medalist?

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My name is Justin, and this website is devoted to my many hobbies. From writing and web development to theater and cosplay, I'm always up to something. I haven’t been myself ever since I was born.

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