The Olympics Needs More Boobs – Justin Hanks

The Olympics Needs More Boobs

Justin Hanks
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With the 2012 London Olympics underway, I can’t help but feel the spirit. Unlike other television broadcasts, the Olympics has me so pumped that I’m actively participating. In the past few days, I’ve found myself yelling at the TV screen, attempting to recreate the gymnastics routines (I almost broke a lamp), Googling all the countries I didn’t know existed, and hypothesizing whether or not the medals are secretly giant chocolate coins. I can’t believe how much fun I’m having. Whoever came up with the Olympics deserves a yummy gold medal.

The Olympics is a fantastic way to bring countries together and create world peace; by making everyone violent and irrationally competitive towards each other. I’m having such a blast. If I had to complain, my only gripe would be the selection of sports. This year, they added golf and rugby, which are some solid choices, but I think they can do better. Here’s a list of activities I’d rather watch the athletes perform…

1. Untangling Headphones

Okay, so this might not sound very engaging at first, but if you think about it; untangling headphones is a definite challenge. It requires a very particular set of skills… skills one must acquire over a very long career… skills that make me a nightmare for people like you (if you don’t get the reference by now, go rent Taken). But seriously, anyone who can unscramble a mess of cords quickly, and calmly, deserves some serious praise and recognition. I can’t do it. After a mere 30 seconds, I’m already bat-shit insane and trying to hang myself with them.

And to be honest, there’s something very fishy about tangled headphones. I mean, they’re never tangled when I put them away. It’s like there’s a tiny knot-tying goblin in my pocket who’s screwing with me. So in conclusion, if we make “untangling” an Olympic sport, we’ll get to watch in awe as athletes from different countries kick some tiny goblin ass.

2. Trying to Open a Door While Drunk

I know from personal experience that alcohol + door = one hella good time. Every time I get wasted, doorknobs “quit working.” I can twist and turn them all I want, but they become one of the most confusing things in the world; up there with calculus, physics, and what women see in Russell Brand. With that in mind, imagine how entertaining it would be to watch an Olympic athlete chug a bottle of vodka, count to thirty, spin in a few circles, and try to open a door.

Unlike other Olympic sports, the drunk-door-a-thon would bring an element of unpredictability. Imagine Michael Phelps… Maybe he’d be a friendly drunk, telling the door how much he loves it. Maybe he’d be an angry drunk, telling the door it’s not his real father. Maybe he’d swim a couple laps in a pool of his own vomit. Maybe he’d words up his mix. Maybe he’d grab a twig, call it his wand, and repeatedly shout toward the door, “Alohomora!”

3. Crushing Things with your Boobs

The amount of awesome butts in the Olympics should make everyone feel proud on a global level… but we can do better. The Olympics needs more boobs. Now, before you call me a pervert, let me point out that I’m gay. I have no interest in boobs. They frighten me. In fact, I think they look like giant eyeballs. Like the Mona Lisa, no matter where I’m observing them from, they’re always staring back at me. But I digress… more boobs in the Olympics would be great for the straight male audience. Also, there’s this video.

In case you’re too frightened to watch the clip, let me summarize it for you: a woman appears on a talent show and uses her watermelon-sized breasticles to demolish a pile of beer cans. As disturbing as it sounds, it’s pretty impressive. I mean, it takes 40 lbs of pressure to squish a beer can. With proper training, athletes could use their knockers to flatten bricks, cars, airplanes, etc… And there’d finally be a pro to having manboobs. Seriously, the woman in this video has the perfect Olympic cocktail: skill, practice, determination, and unnatural body enhancements… Just don’t ask her to open a bottle of wine for God’s sake.

58 Responses

  1. Meaghan says:

    Before I reply to your comment….
    YOUR MOM READS YOUR BLOGS!? I was scrolling through your comments… What even.
    Is that really your mom?
    WHY. o.o

    And you don't have rat's nest hair. I've seen it in pictures! Isn't it curly? I like pulling strands of curly hair until it's straight & then letting them "boing" back. πŸ˜€

    Thank you… I guess. I'm glad you didn't vomit all over your keyboard. :3

    LOL you don't date losers? You sound like Regina George. If you don't know which movie she's from, SHAME ON YOU.

    I'm not as "pumped" to watch the Olympics as I was the previous years.

    GOLF & RUGBY? I did not know this. I hate golf. It's so boring to watch…

    I think I'd win gold for untangling headphones. Every time someone in my family needs theirs untangled, they ask me. Because I'm a champ. πŸ™‚

    I've never been that drunk before… I've only been drunk once. *asian glow*
    But even then, I could open doors. So ha! Poo on you. :3 I win.

    So… crushing things with boobs…
    I can't do that. Seeing as I'm flat chested to the max. Sadly, I didn't get my Mom's good genes LOL. Tmi?

    I didn't want to get scarred from watching the video, so I didn't. From your description, I was just like O_O.
    I can't help but think… doesn't that hurt? D: My boobs are starting to hurt even thinking about it…

  2. Gillian says:

    firstly, hilar, you are. I could not agree with you more. The "sports" you recommended would be unbelievably interesting to watch.
    I can relate completely to the untangling wires issue. I've got made fun of several times cause I get too lazy to untangle the wires, so I wear the earphones tangled, so there's casually a white ball of wires hanging under my chin, looks like a tumor.

    Phelps would definitely win his 20th gold medal in the 100m vomit relay. Hope to see it aired globally soon.

    Orginally when I read the title of the blog, I thought it was going to be about the lack of boobs on female gymnasts and swimmers. But ya'know, boob crushing works. Those olympians have so much muscle they could crush anything, even if they are flat-chested.

  3. mom says:

    Haha!!!!!!! Very funny. Also, I saw all of those freaky boob ladies on Youtube. That was funny too. I like the headphones thing. It cracked me up. I think you should do a blog about Elvis in the Olympics….that would really be funny. Your blogs keep getting funnier and funnier. Maybe "Funny Blogging" could be an Olympic event? Love ya!!

  4. Liza says:

    Well this is interesting, really. I haven't watched Taken yet, but I want to. Can't afford to rent it… Crazy, yes?

    I'm one of those that are too scared to watch the video you've posted. .-.

    …don't get me started on your writing errors, sir.

  5. Elaine says:

    He's half filipino half american. His dad lives in maryland and thinks education in US is way better than here (which I can say yeah).

    And yeah, you're right. it's not that long but I don't know, it feels like were so sure about what we want. Maybe because we've been through a lot in a short span of time.

    yayyy! going home in a few. what do you do btw? lol sorry for throwing a lot of question. haha

  6. Elaine says:

    hey! i'm not sure if it's okay to reply here (lemme know if not..lol) Anyways, uhm. going 10 months. LOL. were batchmates way back grade school. after that he left for the states. So yeah. and thanks! πŸ™‚ How are you?

  7. Elaine says:

    lol this got me laughing. like really. it does entertain me. Honestly, it's been a while since the last time I watched the olympics. I don't know why but maybe I just got really really busy and got used of not watching it anymore. I love synchronize swimming though and gymnastics. that's what I always look forward on watching back in the days.

  8. Hi Justin! Hilarious! I think they should also have pingpong shows as part of the Olympics. My friends saw one during their trip in Thailand and they were amaze how a vaj can even open bottles of beer!

    Also I heard that some people are suggesting to have pole dancing included in the Olympics.

    When it comes to tangled cords, it’s really frustrating when you neatly roll it into a lasso and suddenly when you fish it out from the pocket it’s in a total mess.

  9. Rachel H says:

    Always hilarious Justin. When I first started reading this I was like ok…where is this headed and of course it was headed towards greatness LMAO I cracked up at the boob crushing video. They should just make a redneck Olympics and let you host it. I'd watch it lol but you have to get me a spot on it. I would fail horribly at the boobs category πŸ™ haha
    "It requires a very particular set of skills… skills one must acquire over a very long career…" -so funny!! Love you!

  10. Mallory says:

    You were right on Twitter before, this is definitely one of your most disturbing blog posts. I mean, c'mon, man, CORD UNTANGLING as an Olympic sport? Mentions of cord goblins? DRUNK BATTLE READY OCTOPI?! Christ, man, you need to be stopped! You need your computer taken away from 'ya and you need to be locked up for a good long while!

    My oh my. Pure craziness!

    =P =P =P

    PS: ILY.

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