The Olympics Needs More Boobs – Justin Hanks

The Olympics Needs More Boobs

Justin Hanks

With the 2012 London Olympics underway, I can’t help but feel the spirit. Unlike other television broadcasts, the Olympics has me so pumped that I’m actively participating. In the past few days, I’ve found myself yelling at the TV screen, attempting to recreate the gymnastics routines (I almost broke a lamp), Googling all the countries I didn’t know existed, and hypothesizing whether or not the medals are secretly giant chocolate coins. I can’t believe how much fun I’m having. Whoever came up with the Olympics deserves a yummy gold medal.

The Olympics is a fantastic way to bring countries together and create world peace; by making everyone violent and irrationally competitive towards each other. I’m having such a blast. If I had to complain, my only gripe would be the selection of sports. This year, they added golf and rugby, which are some solid choices, but I think they can do better. Here’s a list of activities I’d rather watch the athletes perform…

1. Untangling Headphones

Okay, so this might not sound very engaging at first, but if you think about it; untangling headphones is a definite challenge. It requires a very particular set of skills… skills one must acquire over a very long career… skills that make me a nightmare for people like you (if you don’t get the reference by now, go rent Taken). But seriously, anyone who can unscramble a mess of cords quickly, and calmly, deserves some serious praise and recognition. I can’t do it. After a mere 30 seconds, I’m already bat-shit insane and trying to hang myself with them.

And to be honest, there’s something very fishy about tangled headphones. I mean, they’re never tangled when I put them away. It’s like there’s a tiny knot-tying goblin in my pocket who’s screwing with me. So in conclusion, if we make “untangling” an Olympic sport, we’ll get to watch in awe as athletes from different countries kick some tiny goblin ass.

2. Trying to Open a Door While Drunk

I know from personal experience that alcohol + door = one hella good time. Every time I get wasted, doorknobs “quit working.” I can twist and turn them all I want, but they become one of the most confusing things in the world; up there with calculus, physics, and what women see in Russell Brand. With that in mind, imagine how entertaining it would be to watch an Olympic athlete chug a bottle of vodka, count to thirty, spin in a few circles, and try to open a door.

Unlike other Olympic sports, the drunk-door-a-thon would bring an element of unpredictability. Imagine Michael Phelps… Maybe he’d be a friendly drunk, telling the door how much he loves it. Maybe he’d be an angry drunk, telling the door it’s not his real father. Maybe he’d swim a couple laps in a pool of his own vomit. Maybe he’d words up his mix. Maybe he’d grab a twig, call it his wand, and repeatedly shout toward the door, “Alohomora!”

3. Crushing Things with your Boobs

The amount of awesome butts in the Olympics should make everyone feel proud on a global level… but we can do better. The Olympics needs more boobs. Now, before you call me a pervert, let me point out that I’m gay. I have no interest in boobs. They frighten me. In fact, I think they look like giant eyeballs. Like the Mona Lisa, no matter where I’m observing them from, they’re always staring back at me. But I digress… more boobs in the Olympics would be great for the straight male audience. Also, there’s this video.

In case you’re too frightened to watch the clip, let me summarize it for you: a woman appears on a talent show and uses her watermelon-sized breasticles to demolish a pile of beer cans. As disturbing as it sounds, it’s pretty impressive. I mean, it takes 40 lbs of pressure to squish a beer can. With proper training, athletes could use their knockers to flatten bricks, cars, airplanes, etc… And there’d finally be a pro to having manboobs. Seriously, the woman in this video has the perfect Olympic cocktail: skill, practice, determination, and unnatural body enhancements… Just don’t ask her to open a bottle of wine for God’s sake.

58 Responses

  1. Jamie says:

    Okay, there was a slight delay in the move. I did something, but it's getting fixed now. I'm just waiting on my check in the mail. Hopefully they will have it out by Saturday.

    Anyway, the guy with the red flags, he explained a lot to me. So, no more worry there. We're still going strong, and has been six days since we've gotten together. I know we're going to last a LONG time. He feels it too. He let his other friend go though. It was just because she went back to her "ex" husband, and they were friends, so when she went back to her ex-husband, that means no more friendship. They did try the dating thing, but didn't work. He told her he's with me now, and doesn't want to ruin it. Last night, my dad stopped by to give me food, and what not, and my boyfriend wanted to meet my dad (I mean really wanted to meet my dad), but my dad was sweating I guess from working all day, and in the heat, and was tired. He understood, but there's always a next time. So the red flags like I said are gone. Thank you for your offer though lol. I know we live a little bit aways. lol.

    Hmmmm, I've never seen any of the olympics, but I heard that they have some WEIRD and crazy stuff like the one you just mentioned a woman crushing a beer can!!!!

  2. Elaine says:

    Hahaha! calling meaghan!! :)) LMAO!

    i was gonna say try the cucumber thing if you wont think it's too gay to do. lol more feminine? tell me about it!

    yeah, what a coincidence. who knows, I may be working with fbi after college (yeah right! haha). So how was lunch? Sorry late reply. I've been trying to get some sleep since I don't feel well but I couldn't sleep.

  3. Alice says:

    Justin, you are wonderful and every time I read your blog posts I JUST FIND MYSELF SMILING THROUGHOUT THE WHOLE THING. Anyways, though. Yes! With you on the tangled earphones thing–never been drunk so don't know your frustration, although yeah it'd definitely be entertaining to see what types of drunks certain athletes are (especially Michael Phelps! Oh my god your examples XD)
    Crushing things with boobs (I wrote boob crusher originally and then had a horrible image of a guy crushing another woman's boobs xD)… I'd probably be awkwardly aware of my own boobs if I watch that xD

  4. Nancy says:

    I love how the Olympics is getting all of the attention this summer. Just yelling at the screen, cheering people on… It sounds familiar- in the cases where the superbowl and the basketball finals take place. But that's a whole different story, right? πŸ˜‰

    I always thought untangling headphones is pretty easy. One of the biggest reasons to that is.. I'm pretty patient, so I tak my time to untanble my headphones. Since I'm using those default Apple headphones, I definitely don't want to ruin it because they ain't tweet.

    When you're drunk, doorknobs automatically becomes your enemy… Except you don't realize that it's not a living thing.

    It's crazy how this woman can crush a can of beer with her breast. All I can imagine is the pain that comes along with it… Unless it's implants?

    We did perform at Disneyland (the hotel) but had no access to the park.. Unless we have our own annual pass. At least it took place during the night so it wasn't as "painful" thinking about how we could have gotten to the park.

    The pictures have different filters :). And I suppose lighting since one was indoor and the other was outside at night (with flash).

    Take care!

  5. Elaine says:

    wait till Meaghan see it (your dead) hahaha! I don't know if putting cucumber on your eyes overnight will be cool for you tho', hahaha!

    I'm not an expert with computers but I kinda have knowledge about hacking and stuffs (but definitely not a hacker lol). So yeah. And my boyfriend thinks i'm gonna do good at it. Plus the fact that he took up forensic science. What state are you from btw?

  6. Stephanie says:

    OMG those boobs are disproportionately huge, despite the fact that the woman is pretty large to begin with! I wonder how she finds a bra to hold those boobs up… I like my normal-sized boobs. I can find bras anywhere and don't need enormous chest muscles to hold them up. πŸ˜›

    An Irish friend of mine once commented that the Irish don't really win that many medals. But if drinking itself were an event, then the Irish could possible get the gold if they manage to beat the Germans and Russians.

  7. Elaine says:

    hey there Justin. Sorry, Woke up late earlier plus our time difference is crazy. And thanks for the compliment. haha!

    I totally don't do anything to get rid of them (not because I don't want them lol) but as per Meaghan " freezing a spoon overnight & when you wake up, just hover it over your eyes & it’ll look less swollen. " hahaha! I'm so gonna try that.

    Oh wow! Software developer. You must be a genius (i get amazed easily lol). Uhm as for me, Nope. Bum as of right now. but hoping to get the homebased job this week (wish me luck!haha). Come next year when we move to california, i'm going back to school. Gonna take up Computer Forensic. Boyfriend's forensic scientist so he wanted me to be somehow on the same field. so how was your day?

  8. Lilly says:

    I don't get the Olympics 'cause I'm not into sports, but they have some of the most random things there, heheh.
    I totally agree about the goblin thing, though. I never understood how things can get tangled when they're specifically put away in a position that's to prevent tangling. :|
    Is it strange that I can actually imagine boobs crushing things and drunk games at the Olympics? I think you should write these in; you never know what they're going to add next ;D

    Thanks. Yea, they do look similar but different, therefore I have to have all the shoes xD

  9. Josie says:

    I've been trying to watch parts of the Olympics, but I keep getting bored and having to change over… There's no way this would happen if your games came into play, that's for sure! Hell, I might even become an Olympian myself ;D

    Those booby-videos scared me… Doesn't that hurt?! And how on Earth did they discover their talents? :S

    I'm glad you like my new layout, I'm much happier with it too πŸ™‚

  10. Clint says:

    I'm jealous of you watching Olympics games. I wish I have time watching it on TV.

    Okay, those challenges you have created are way cooler than those of the official games from Olympics. I might wanna try out for untangling cords. I might received a gold medal with it. Eeek!

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