Fashion Trends that Must Return – Justin Hanks

Fashion Trends that Must Return

Justin Hanks
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People love to mock old fashion trends like leisure suits and shoulder pads, but honestly, is today’s world any better? Now we’ve got crocs, man cleavage, rappers with diamonds on their teeth, hipster pants so tight they’re considered contraceptives, and everything in Nicki Minaj’s closet.

I think we’ve been way too hard on the past. After a little day-dreaming, here’s my list of old fashion trends that weren’t actually so bad.

1. Hammer Pants

Be forewarned that hammer pants have absolutely nothing to do with real hammers (although life would be easier if you could dance on someone and say you “nailed” ’em). Inspired by harem pants, these super baggy leggings were popularized in the 1980’s-1990’s by rapper MC Hammer. The pants are peg-legged and have a huge billowing crotch that droops below the knees (kinda like my uncle… hey-o!). Historians believe the extra space in the pants provided ample storage for rubik’s cubes, game boys, nintendo cartridges, koosh balls, cabbage patch kids, VHS cassettes, and Cyndi Lauper.

Without a doubt, these pants must make a comeback. Since they’re so loose and ill-fitting, they can be used to hide imperfections; bringing an end to body image issues and eating disorders. But most importantly, if you’re ever wearing hammer pants and somebody pushes you out an airplane, you’ll probably land safely.

2. 80’s Windbreaker Jackets

Fashion trends from the 80’s are totally making a comeback. Take a stroll through your local mall, and you’re bound to see plastic sunglasses, neon colors, and hair so big it puts Robin Williams’ arms to shame. Unfortunately, there is one 80’s trend that has yet to re-enter the market — the windbreaker jacket. Now, some may disagree, but personally, I adore wearing anything that is vibrant… hell, I’ve even considered sporting a bright orange traffic cone on my head.

Windbreakers grab my attention, and they blend their vibrant colors seamlessly with awesome eye-catching patterns. These patterns remind me of graffiti… but without the aftertaste of ghetto and broken dreams. Ultimately, you can’t go wrong with a jacket whose name is synonymous with farting.

3. Powdered Wigs

Powdered wigs were an integral part of fashion during the 18th century, and their story begins like many others — with syphilis. By 1580, syphilis had become the worst epidemic to strike Europe (besides the Black Death and the codpiece). Without antibiotics, victims suffered a multitude of symptoms — including hair loss. As baldness swept the nation, the people derived the only logical solution: harness Robin Williams’ arms. And when that failed, the victims wore wigs.

For a long time, the wigs were a Renaissance equivalent of the ugly Christmas sweater. But once the King of France “did the nasty” and caught the STD himself, the wigs were transformed into a symbol of wisdom. In today’s world, the powdered wig is gone… and coincidentally, so is wisdom. These wigs must come back. Not only are they super cool, but we’ll all look like mutated kitties.

4. Fanny Packs

The word “fannypack” always confused me. I mean, why is it called a fannypack when it’s worn in the front? Doesn’t “fanny” mean “butt?” Last time I checked, I couldn’t windbreak out of a fannypack. Maybe we should call them vag bags instead… or junk trunks… or sack sacks…

Despite the ill-suited name, fannypacks are awesome. They provide a hands-free storage solution for anyone on the go. And, if you think about it, fannypacks decrease your likelihood of being robbed… I mean, no one’s gonna steal your iPod if it involves reaching at your private parts. Well, almost no one. For the same reason, fannypacks make airport security checks hilariously awkward. And best of all, if you wear a fannypack, people might think you’re Batman… (all you need now is a nipple suit).

Oh, and if you really want to make a statement, you could wear everything at the same time.

Take notes, Lady Gaga.

57 Responses

  1. Kristi says:

    I lol'ed at that picture. That's amazing. πŸ˜‰

    I really wouldn't mind if 80's fashion made a complete comeback. I wasn't alive back then so I would love to see people casually "pull of" big hair, neon leg warmers, bangles, etc. But do you realize fannypacks are still around? I've seen so many people wear them at Disney World.

  2. Rachel H says:

    I personally, would love to wear a vag bag. Just sayin'

    This cracked me up Justin!! Although, I think you may have a secret love for Robin William's arms. It's okay πŸ™‚ Anyway you are always so funny and I love you!! And way to go bringing it all together there at the end. That picture is extremely disturbing!! haha Love ya!

  3. Mom says:

    Oh yeah….I forgot to mention, that I still wear fanny packs at amusement parks.

  4. Mom says:

    You are SO funny!!!! Wow….I never realized that Robin Williams had such hairy arms. I love the hammer pants most of all….lol. My dates wore those…..lol!!!! I didn't know that STD's were the cause of powdered wigs, but it makes a lot of sense. You notice that women didn't wear powdered wigs? I guess they just wore scarves on their heads. Oh well. I loved this blog!!!! You have made my day!!!!!

  5. Jenny says:

    LMAO at Robin Williams! I had no idea he had such hairy arms, haha. I also didn't know that they wore those wigs because of hair loss from syphilis πŸ˜› You learn something knew everyday!

  6. Meaghan says:

    Okay. The hammer pants are okay…ish. Only because they seem so stylish. :3

    FANNY PACKS ARE NOT OKAY. Never ever. Every time I go to Chinatown (which is rare because I hate it… because it's so dirty there), there's all these Asian mothers wearing black leather fanny packs. NO. πŸ™

    My boyfriend has a brown windbreaker. It's quite stylish. :3 I wore it once… it was surprisingly comfortable & didn't make that crinkly sound a lot.

    About the powdered wigs… they use them in China or whatever lol. I think. Only in court though. Every time I watch a Chinese drama & there's a trial, those judgy people are wearing those ugly wigs. :S

  7. Gillian says:

    I think I could pull it off. Wearing everything at the same time.

    Those leggings definitely seem like something that I want as part of my wardrobe! And who can argue with the convenience of the fanny pack.

    I love wearing vibrant colors as well. Now only if I could have a background as vibrant as the one Robin Williams has, everywhere I decide to go.

  8. Lauren says:

    Well, fanny may mean butt in the US but in the UK fannypack works fine with how they're currently worn πŸ˜‰ Now I think about it we actually call them "bum bags" which makes as little sense as fanny pack does to you. If it was possible to find a fanny pack that didn't look like it was actually made in the 80s I'd totally use it – they're so much more convenient than carrying a handbag. I think a business creating fanny packs using modern materials and colour schemes would kill.

    Ugh, just the thought of a powered wig has made my head all itchy.

  9. Michael says:

    I love idea of fannypacks, they've never gone out for me. Well infact they've never gone in πŸ˜›

    Fannypacks aren't really a thing in England, maybe becuase fanny doesn't mean butt here, fanny means women's front, well you know.

    πŸ˜‰ LOL

    Michael πŸ™‚

  10. Jamie says:

    Genius, my friend, genius.
    I clearly remember being about six and wearing both a fanny pack and a purple/yellow/red windbreaker along with my fanny pack and hair barrettes. That was in '99 now so I don't really have an excuse other than apparently the area in which I lived was painfully out-of-date.

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