Valentine’s Day: Love By The Pound – Justin Hanks

Valentine’s Day: Love By The Pound

Justin Hanks

Love is in the air, boys and girls. It’s time for passion, romance, and uncomfortable public displays of affection. Yep, Valentine’s Day is approaching, and if this is news to you, you’re probably alone.

… Not that it’s a bad thing. I mean, I’m single too… for the first time in years, actually. I’m not upset. It’s better to have loved and lost than to do forty pounds of laundry a week.

Besides, my prince charming will come eventually. He just took a wrong turn, got lost, and is way too stubborn to ask for directions.

I remember in grade school when no one ever felt alone. Everyone was required to pass out Valentine’s Day cards to everyone else. It was great… Although it did get awkward when you had nothing to say to someone, and your card consisted of a greeting like “Nice pants.”

Actually, grade school kinda made us spoiled. Now everyone feels entitled to a valentine. And when people can’t find one, they get desperate. I have a friend who gets a Valentine’s Day gift for his mother. It’s like, “Dude, don’t you know that she’s banging your dad?”

And that’s only the beginning. Valentine’s Day is full of creepiness. Need I remind you that we celebrate by sending each other pictures of an internal organ?

And then there’s Cupid. Nothing sounds more illegal than an invisible flying baby that shoots two unsuspecting people with a crossbow, forces them to fornicate, and watches the entire thing from outside a window.

Perhaps my Valentine’s Day pessimism stems from the fact that it’s a holiday about exploiting people for money. In order to show our love for one another, we’re encouraged to buy expensive jewelry, chocolates, candles, teddy bears, bubble baths, giftcards, pregnancy tests…

Why all the candy? What’s so sexy about weight gain? It’s like the big corporations want us to look hideous so we break up and spend more money next year wooing somebody else…

It’s true. We eat candy that tastes like chalk for absolutely no other reason. And all this weight gain is subliminally encouraged via lovey-dovey food puns: You’re so sweet, You’re the icing on my cake, We’re mint for each other, I’m not playing twix, I love you to pizzas…

In my opinion, people need to be romantic in ways that actually matter. Spend time together. Talk. Laugh. Hug. Kiss. Eat. Pray. Love. And don’t just do it once a year. Show love and affection every day.

This year, my valentine is my bed. We’ll spend the day cuddling & sleeping together. I’ll also find some time for my EX……. Box 360.

18 Responses

  1. Mom says:

    Hahahaha!! I loved it πŸ™‚ P.S. You should have said something about Jon Cotner….lol

  2. Kalliste says:

    Heh, candy like chalk! So true, but I love it all the same. I'm not a Valentines Day supporter though, like you said, I'd prefer show my love and affection for people everyday not just one specific day that is basically in existence to make money.
    I hope you have fun with your exbox 360 πŸ˜€

  3. Holly says:

    Valentines day is so overrated. My boyfriend and I don't normally buy presents as we see it as a waste of money. We're students and we can't afford it. Instead we are having a romantic meal in Burger King on Friday. We know how to live. πŸ˜›

  4. Mom says:

    LOL….been thinking about the chalk candy stuff. The weight gain thing is so true too. I always use Valentine's Day as an excuse to eat LOTS of chocolate. I still think it's okay to give a Valentine's gift to your mother, since I am your mother….haha. This blog is funny πŸ™‚

  5. Uglyfish says:

    I'm not a fan of Valentine's Day, but I am a fan of chocolate. We never gave out Valentine's cards in primary school, probably incase it ended up like a Ralph Wiggum situation and half the kids would be crying because no-one gave them a card…

    and Cupid is creepy as. Cupid and cherubs. Creepy as.

  6. Liza says:

    AH. You're single? But the boyfriend. Awh. Okay.

    I was told, "Happy Valentine's Day" for the first time by a guy who's neither my ex (oh wait…) nor just a friend. Actually, after a few years have passed, I think we've both matured into some kind of adults… So maybe another chance is worth it. I don't know. 😑 So perhaps he's my Prince Charming, and he's finally here to stay. I do wish you luck with yours!

    I was really excited when I saw a comment from you, as I was so sure that you weren't going to be blogging again for yet /another/ year, yet I still kept you on my blogroll list because 1) I love you, and 2) I'd hoped!

    And now that I have read more of this post, I'm quite happy that your humor and the Justin I know and knew has/is shining through again, because I was actually really scared that you were really going to make this into a sappy post.

    The grade school thing is true, however, because although no one was left out, it's taught us to expect things throughout our lifetime, when all those years it could have prepared us for nothing. I guess, though, that it's something that also prepares us for it when we actually do have a Valentine, otherwise no one would really celebrate it.

    …and I love the Sweethearts, you know. ~

  7. Melissa says:

    I don't celebrate valentines day, you should show your love to your partner every day, not a single day. πŸ˜‰

  8. Rachel H says:

    This was cute, and hilarious as usual!! Loved the cupid quote, you know.
    And "nice pants" would have been a step up from some of my valentines in grade school haha
    Stop beating up snowball!
    Oh the pregnancy tests cracked me up.
    Love ya!

  9. Jhase says:

    Loved this post. Man, I miss your quirky insights on things. Makes me wish I had it. Do more updates you fledging adult! Lol.

  10. Sarah says:

    This post is fantastic! and your exactly right. we should show each other love always, not just one day a year. i wish i had have found this on valentines day, my single housemate would have loved it,, as I beleive she spent the day doing the same thing!

  11. Emmanairn says:

    Lets Have Sex

  12. Sakura says:

    Hi. I have nominated you for the Leibster Blog Award. Do check out my blog for more information. Hope that you have the time to do it. πŸ™‚

  13. Aashni says:


    So I know this is a super old post, and I'm hoping you come back and blog soon. As usual, I'm sitting here laughing my ass off! I'm hoping you enjoyed valentines day with your Ex Box and bed πŸ™‚

    How have you been?

  14. Amy says:

    So true…

  15. John says:

    That's so funny, never thought of it that way.

    In Japan it's so commercialized that there's a separate holiday for guys and gals. So girls give chocolate on Valentine's Day. Guys are just over here praying they don't get too much because they're expected to give twice as much as they received on March 14, which is called White Day. Needless to say no one knows that my birthday is on Valentine's Day!

  16. Sinadee says:

    I spent this valentines eating brownies I made (I make a promise to bake for valentines annually) and deciding whether or not I should try to make amends with someone with the brownie…I decided they would probably just want the brownie so I ate it. The rest were given to my close friends.

  17. Vivian says:

    Haha i love this artical it's so true

  18. Kate says:

    This is a great article! I believe that one day my true love will find me, but until then I'll love my bed….

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My name is Justin, and this website is devoted to my many hobbies. From writing and web development to theater and cosplay, I'm always up to something. I haven’t been myself ever since I was born.

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