You eat steak at a steak dinner. You eat turkey at a turkey dinner. What the hell do you eat at a candlelight dinner?
I’m sorry, but I’ve recently developed a hatred for candlelight dinners. They’re stupid, and, consequently, they’re now on my list of “things that make you go derp” – along with dancing Santas, fannypacks, and anything that spews out of Donald Trump’s face-hole.
Normally, I love romance. I’m actually the most romantic person on the planet. My ideal date consists of walking on a beach where the water is 90% chocolate and 10% strawberries… and 10% roses… and 100% unicorns. There will be no math on this date.
But I draw the line at candlelight dinners. Candlelight dinners were created by ugly people. Think about it. The only reason why they’re “so romantic” is because you don’t have to see the person sitting across from you.
The whole concept is offensive. If someone invited me to a candlelight dinner, I’d immediately assume they were calling me hideous. It’s like, “Hey honey. We’re eating in the dark, because your face looks like a rabid baboon’s asshole.”
And while we’re at it, why is candlelight still around? Do people actually rely on it? Candlelight isn’t very practical. Eons have passed since the invention of candles. We have light bulbs now, and frankly, they’re a much brighter idea.
Candles aren’t efficient when it comes to enhancing our vision, so if we must use them, let’s use them to enhance a different sense. I’m totally willing to concede that they make it easier to smell.
Wait. Hold up. Candles are used to improve bad odors. So now, not only is my date telling me I’m fugly, but he’s also hinting that I smell like cat piss.
Damn. Could it be my cologne? Do I sweat too much? Perhaps I should try that new Britney Spears perfume. What was it called again… Believe? Fantasy? Trailer Park Mystery?
Getting back to the point, no good comes from Candlelight Dinners. They’re insulting, inefficient, and even a safety hazard. They are literally dangerous. I mean, what if, say, because there’s no real light in the room, my partner accidentally knocks over a candle? Well golly, nothing says I love you like a face full of fire.
If my boyfriend burned his face off, there’d only be one way I could look at him… we’d be having candlelight dinners for eternity.