Candlelight Dinners Are For Ugly People

You eat steak at a steak dinner. You eat turkey at a turkey dinner. What the hell do you eat at a candlelight dinner?

I’m sorry, but I’ve recently developed a hatred for candlelight dinners. They’re stupid, and, consequently, they’re now on my list of “things that make you go derp” –ย along with dancing Santas, fannypacks, and anything that spews out of Donald Trump’s face-hole.

Normally, I love romance. I’m actually the most romantic person on the planet. My ideal date consists of walking on a beach where the water is 90% chocolate and 10% strawberries… and 10% roses… and 100% unicorns. There will be no math on this date.

But I draw the line at candlelight dinners. Candlelight dinners were created by ugly people. Think about it. The only reason why they’re “so romantic” is because you don’t have to see the person sitting across from you.

The whole concept is offensive. If someone invited me to a candlelight dinner, I’d immediately assume they were calling me hideous. It’s like, “Hey honey. We’re eating in the dark, because your face looks like a rabid baboon’s asshole.”

And while we’re at it, why is candlelight still around? Do people actually rely on it? Candlelight isn’t very practical. Eons have passed since the invention of candles. We have light bulbs now, and frankly, they’re a much brighter idea.

Candles aren’t efficient when it comes to enhancing our vision, so if we must use them, let’s use them to enhance a different sense. I’m totally willing to concede that they make it easier to smell.

Wait. Hold up. Candles are used to improve bad odors. So now, not only is my date telling me I’m fugly, but he’s also hinting that I smell like cat piss.

Damn. Could it be my cologne? Do I sweat too much? Perhaps I should try that new Britney Spears perfume. What was it called again… Believe?ย Fantasy?ย Trailer Park Mystery?

Getting back to the point, no good comes from Candlelight Dinners. They’re insulting, inefficient, and even a safety hazard. They are literally dangerous. I mean, what if, say, because there’s no real light in the room, my partner accidentally knocks over a candle? Well golly, nothing says I love you like a face full of fire.

If my boyfriend burned his face off, there’d only be one way I could look at him… we’d be having candlelight dinners for eternity.

Leave Comment

Dec 30 3:42 pm

:0 -is linked-
IPAL is linked too. XD

Dec 30 1:50 pm

Good points. I am not a fan of it too. I'd rather eat under an elegant and expensive chandelier. Heh xD

Dec 30 1:15 pm

You'll be waiting a while for them smiles. Heh.
How art thou? I need to stop speaking shakespearian.

Dec 30 12:57 pm

omg hahahahahaha your name is like the best lmao i love it :]

Dec 30 12:43 pm

I'm avoiding work. =D
If it's dark and cold it's night…
If it's bright and cold it's… penguinland?

Dec 30 12:38 pm

Lol, thanks ๐Ÿ™‚

Dec 30 12:28 pm

Haha I like your rant on candlelight dinners ๐Ÿ˜›
I like the 2nd paragraph haha. Cracked me up ๐Ÿ˜›

Dec 30 12:07 pm

Lmao okay whatever makes you happy. xD

Dec 30 12:06 pm

Psh of course! ๐Ÿ˜‰ Haha

Dec 30 11:47 am

Lmao actually you were comment 103 ๐Ÿ˜‰ But you know thats still pretty darn special xD
Yeah i doubt im ever going to get down to my homework anyways.

Dec 30 10:49 am

looks good! ^.^

Dec 30 10:33 am

Lmao yeahh. I wish my attention spand was a bit more. Then i wouldnt be distracted so easily, i practically can't get anything done ! xD
Boy, am i going to need all the luck in the world to actually get down to some HOMEWORK today :/

Dec 30 10:25 am

It's changed a lot since you saw it though. Did you see the /k.png one? If yes then LOTS MORE HAS BEEN ADDED~

I know. We're so sad. XD Oh well, we're coo'~

Dec 30 6:18 am

You inspired my raving blog. Although you don't really rave because at least you have a point. Mine just… Well… It's all over the place. Hahahha.

Thanks ๐Ÿ™‚ There's only four headers fyi!! Lol.

Dec 30 4:17 am

haha I guess I'm gonna take candle light dinner invitations offensively now. XD


My name is Justin, and you've stumbled upon my home on the web. From writing and coding to theater and cosplay, I'm always up to something. I havenโ€™t been myself ever since I was born.

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