Candlelight Dinners Are For Ugly People

You eat steak at a steak dinner. You eat turkey at a turkey dinner. What the hell do you eat at a candlelight dinner?

I’m sorry, but I’ve recently developed a hatred for candlelight dinners. They’re stupid, and, consequently, they’re now on my list of “things that make you go derp” – along with dancing Santas, fannypacks, and anything that spews out of Donald Trump’s face-hole.

Normally, I love romance. I’m actually the most romantic person on the planet. My ideal date consists of walking on a beach where the water is 90% chocolate and 10% strawberries… and 10% roses… and 100% unicorns. There will be no math on this date.

But I draw the line at candlelight dinners. Candlelight dinners were created by ugly people. Think about it. The only reason why they’re “so romantic” is because you don’t have to see the person sitting across from you.

The whole concept is offensive. If someone invited me to a candlelight dinner, I’d immediately assume they were calling me hideous. It’s like, “Hey honey. We’re eating in the dark, because your face looks like a rabid baboon’s asshole.”

And while we’re at it, why is candlelight still around? Do people actually rely on it? Candlelight isn’t very practical. Eons have passed since the invention of candles. We have light bulbs now, and frankly, they’re a much brighter idea.

Candles aren’t efficient when it comes to enhancing our vision, so if we must use them, let’s use them to enhance a different sense. I’m totally willing to concede that they make it easier to smell.

Wait. Hold up. Candles are used to improve bad odors. So now, not only is my date telling me I’m fugly, but he’s also hinting that I smell like cat piss.

Damn. Could it be my cologne? Do I sweat too much? Perhaps I should try that new Britney Spears perfume. What was it called again… BelieveFantasyTrailer Park Mystery?

Getting back to the point, no good comes from Candlelight Dinners. They’re insulting, inefficient, and even a safety hazard. They are literally dangerous. I mean, what if, say, because there’s no real light in the room, my partner accidentally knocks over a candle? Well golly, nothing says I love you like a face full of fire.

If my boyfriend burned his face off, there’d only be one way I could look at him… we’d be having candlelight dinners for eternity.

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Dec 28 5:14 am

Candlelight dinners aye? Thought it was and has been always romantic till I read your post, mhmmm.

Dec 28 4:30 am

Candle lit dinners seem all romantic and all but like they're pretty useless. What a random rant lol.

We don't really have types of dinners though…we just have dinner lol. xxD Have a nice day!

Dec 28 4:28 am

Oh, I dunno. I mean yeah I get what you're saying and all. But at the same time it does seem romantic. I dunno, I'm always really awkward in romantic situations so I don't think Candlelit dinners would be for me, but at the same time I can see the appeal. It gives a sense of privacy & intimacy. In the blaring neon lights everything is out there, for everyone to see. In lower lights you feel closer to the person…

But I agree with you on Britney's perfume… Ew.

And I didn't really do anything else to the Santas except sit there and frown at the person taking the pictures. I think. I dunno, I was a bubbly little child, I probably thought of other ways to make life difficult. Can't remember 🙂

Wowie. 103 comments on your first post. Someone's popular!!

Dec 28 3:56 am

aha good blog, i agree
okay i sent you one blue smartie, in a jiffy bag with yer name on
lol, i joke

Dec 28 3:28 am

Haha, nice. I happen to like candlelight dinners, so I can't really say much – guess I'm hideous!

Dec 28 3:23 am

It's not a race Justin!

Your blog made me laugh. I AGREE, CREATED BY UGLY PEOPLE. They ought to bring it into the 21st century – maybe use torches??

Dec 28 3:21 am

hey there
this is site is just amazing
you can eat anything on candlelight xD

Dec 28 3:19 am

Hmmmm sorry *wiilll you forgive me*!
I wrote about your blog in the second comment 😀

Dec 28 3:17 am

Thanks 😀

Haha oh my god . I think candlelight dinner is stupid too =/ I'm not a romantic person tehee.

Dec 28 2:27 am

Upgraded LOL. You make yourself sound like softwear, where can I downoad you. 😛 I'll defiantly upgrade even though i'll have no link exchanges :(.

I knew all those chick flicks would harm me somehow.

Dec 28 2:12 am

*high fives* thanks yet again. Affiliates are more my firends and I keep in contact with them and a link exchange is just someone who has my link and I have theres. Like just a advertising oppurtunity.

What you wrote about candlelight dinners is funny I never thought of them like that. I always thought candles were sorta like aphrodesiacts. Weird i knhow 😛

Dec 28 1:56 am

Lol "redesigning" eh? xP

Oh I don't know, it just seems like you see them everywhere (everywhere = in movies). Oh, want to get the girl? Want to make up with her? Surprise her with a romantic candlelit dinner. You "can't" have a romantic dinner without the candlelight. See what movies do to us? 😛 Cliché I tell you! xD

Dec 28 1:41 am

Haha! I totally would if you know it didn't involve cleaning xD

Once again, hilarious blog! Completely true as well; I never understood why candles automatically make a dinner romantic. Plus it's SO cliché.

Dec 28 1:13 am

your blog is sooo hilarious! lol 😀

Dec 28 1:11 am

I update my blog once a week, sometimes twice a week…
Btw, how are you? What are you up to??


My name is Justin, and you've stumbled upon my home on the web. From writing and coding to theater and cosplay, I'm always up to something. I haven’t been myself ever since I was born.

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