Candlelight Dinners Are For Ugly People

You eat steak at a steak dinner. You eat turkey at a turkey dinner. What the hell do you eat at a candlelight dinner?

I’m sorry, but I’ve recently developed a hatred for candlelight dinners. They’re stupid, and, consequently, they’re now on my list of “things that make you go derp” –Β along with dancing Santas, fannypacks, and anything that spews out of Donald Trump’s face-hole.

Normally, I love romance. I’m actually the most romantic person on the planet. My ideal date consists of walking on a beach where the water is 90% chocolate and 10% strawberries… and 10% roses… and 100% unicorns. There will be no math on this date.

But I draw the line at candlelight dinners. Candlelight dinners were created by ugly people. Think about it. The only reason why they’re “so romantic” is because you don’t have to see the person sitting across from you.

The whole concept is offensive. If someone invited me to a candlelight dinner, I’d immediately assume they were calling me hideous. It’s like, “Hey honey. We’re eating in the dark, because your face looks like a rabid baboon’s asshole.”

And while we’re at it, why is candlelight still around? Do people actually rely on it? Candlelight isn’t very practical. Eons have passed since the invention of candles. We have light bulbs now, and frankly, they’re a much brighter idea.

Candles aren’t efficient when it comes to enhancing our vision, so if we must use them, let’s use them to enhance a different sense. I’m totally willing to concede that they make it easier to smell.

Wait. Hold up. Candles are used to improve bad odors. So now, not only is my date telling me I’m fugly, but he’s also hinting that I smell like cat piss.

Damn. Could it be my cologne? Do I sweat too much? Perhaps I should try that new Britney Spears perfume. What was it called again… Believe?Β Fantasy?Β Trailer Park Mystery?

Getting back to the point, no good comes from Candlelight Dinners. They’re insulting, inefficient, and even a safety hazard. They are literally dangerous. I mean, what if, say, because there’s no real light in the room, my partner accidentally knocks over a candle? Well golly, nothing says I love you like a face full of fire.

If my boyfriend burned his face off, there’d only be one way I could look at him… we’d be having candlelight dinners for eternity.

Leave Comment

Dec 29 4:09 pm

Lol as long as my hair wouldn't have to be that long >.< It was a fun costume though πŸ™‚ And very funny when people thought I was Hannah Montana!

I actually want to dye my hair really dark, but I don't want to pay for it πŸ˜›

Dec 29 4:06 pm

Okiedokes, .. holy crap.
There like 5 million steps !
But it looks SO COOL.
Im looking at one where Valentine is like vertical and like 3d and glowing .. and everything ! o_o

Dec 29 4:02 pm

See now I’d say that creepy part is really effing awesome >.< Heh, I wasn’t planning on going trick-or-treating or anything and I didn’t wear a costume to school, so I threw something together like a half hour before going out when I randomly decided to go trick-or-treating (dragged my brother along for the ride :P) Rock star!! xD

Dec 29 3:57 pm

The tutorial was for this Metal 3D text in Photoshop. Looks pretty cool. πŸ™‚

Dec 29 3:55 pm

Lol! That's awesome >.< Slightly creepy-looking, but awesome.

Dec 29 3:52 pm

This site is pretty cool πŸ˜€ made me chuckle a fair amount already for the 2 minutes I have known of its exsistance! nice one πŸ˜‰

Dec 29 3:41 pm

Nuh-uh!! xD

Dec 29 3:29 pm

Dude, you've never had plastic food? You're totally missing out. It's almost as yummy as a candlight dinner. Almost.


Dec 29 3:27 pm

ROFL. "Deformed babboons ass". That's great. I have no idea what they eat at a candlelight dinner. After this post. I do find it offensive myself!

Dec 29 3:20 pm

Haha nope that time isnt here yet, ill let you know when. πŸ™‚
:O Coooool, lols ill check it out.
Dont worry the highlight of my day isnt better : Finding a really hard but cool Photoshop Text Tutorial .. oh joy lmao.

Dec 29 2:23 pm

LOL, thanks? I hate my name. x_x

Glad you liked the colors. πŸ˜‰ I loved them too

Dec 29 2:22 pm

Lmao yeah i know.
But there will come a time when i am actually doing something interesting so then we can expand on it πŸ™‚

Dec 29 2:05 pm

I got a hug. -hugs back-

And tomorrow, I get's the beach.
I love birthday weeks.

Dec 29 1:57 pm

ahha i know raait πŸ˜‰
abercrombie & Fitch; number one bitch location.
lol right <.<
ahha i know bigfoot, RAWR! Scared yet?
I'll be sure to scare away a few visitors, bwuaha >:)
ahha thanks πŸ˜›

pfft we all have our moment you know xD

Dec 29 1:07 pm

LOL!! Awesome. I've always thought candlelight dinners were cheesy, but that's definitely a new spin on it πŸ˜›


My name is Justin, and you've stumbled upon my home on the web. From writing and coding to theater and cosplay, I'm always up to something. I haven’t been myself ever since I was born.

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