Candlelight Dinners Are For Ugly People

You eat steak at a steak dinner. You eat turkey at a turkey dinner. What the hell do you eat at a candlelight dinner?

I’m sorry, but I’ve recently developed a hatred for candlelight dinners. They’re stupid, and, consequently, they’re now on my list of “things that make you go derp” – along with dancing Santas, fannypacks, and anything that spews out of Donald Trump’s face-hole.

Normally, I love romance. I’m actually the most romantic person on the planet. My ideal date consists of walking on a beach where the water is 90% chocolate and 10% strawberries… and 10% roses… and 100% unicorns. There will be no math on this date.

But I draw the line at candlelight dinners. Candlelight dinners were created by ugly people. Think about it. The only reason why they’re “so romantic” is because you don’t have to see the person sitting across from you.

The whole concept is offensive. If someone invited me to a candlelight dinner, I’d immediately assume they were calling me hideous. It’s like, “Hey honey. We’re eating in the dark, because your face looks like a rabid baboon’s asshole.”

And while we’re at it, why is candlelight still around? Do people actually rely on it? Candlelight isn’t very practical. Eons have passed since the invention of candles. We have light bulbs now, and frankly, they’re a much brighter idea.

Candles aren’t efficient when it comes to enhancing our vision, so if we must use them, let’s use them to enhance a different sense. I’m totally willing to concede that they make it easier to smell.

Wait. Hold up. Candles are used to improve bad odors. So now, not only is my date telling me I’m fugly, but he’s also hinting that I smell like cat piss.

Damn. Could it be my cologne? Do I sweat too much? Perhaps I should try that new Britney Spears perfume. What was it called again… BelieveFantasyTrailer Park Mystery?

Getting back to the point, no good comes from Candlelight Dinners. They’re insulting, inefficient, and even a safety hazard. They are literally dangerous. I mean, what if, say, because there’s no real light in the room, my partner accidentally knocks over a candle? Well golly, nothing says I love you like a face full of fire.

If my boyfriend burned his face off, there’d only be one way I could look at him… we’d be having candlelight dinners for eternity.

Leave Comment

Dec 30 3:05 am

Wel lthat is just annoying. I go on pokemon.marrliand.com to check what level my pokemon on pearl evolve. Psshyeah I am cool (H)

My duck is sueing you for fondling it. 🙁

Dec 29 10:29 pm

Hilarious blog 😛
Speaking of Eau de Pork, it's possible to buy pork flavoured toothpaste…You know, in case you ever feel the need. 🙂

Dec 29 8:51 pm

Haha, there are houses near by but not on the mountains since it's a high place. Well, somebody built that statue since Mary showed miracles on his life.

Dec 29 7:45 pm

YOUR SITE IS TRULY A LAUGH AND A HALF ! hahaa. okay yes, i do not understand why brittany spears has a perfume.. it should be called "circus monkey: smell like baboon ass… aka. brittany"
I never thought about candlelight dinners being an insult, but now that you point it out, im all for all !

Dec 29 7:43 pm

Aww, I happen to like candles at dinner. Not as the primary source of light, but I love candles.

Dec 29 7:25 pm

Yah you are a VIP ;D lol
How are you today??
I am kinda bored lol haha

Dec 29 6:00 pm

Professionally… my mom won't let me do it myself.

That's awesome! Do you have a picture? I want to dye my hair black but I don't think it'd look good with my skin, so I'll settle for a dark dark brown if I ever actually get it done.

Dec 29 5:24 pm

Oooh my sister likes red too. No wonder you praised my previous reddish Christmas layout. Though I found the colour scheme a tad too dull…
Any way this time I'm doing shades of grey! I always do greyish layouts, cause they are one of my fav colors.

Dec 29 5:14 pm

Aw thanks !
Haha but im the type of person who gets redirected really easilyy.
One minute im following the tutorial and the next im making brushes for my site lmao. 🙂

Dec 29 5:04 pm

Dunno… his theme song says pineapple.

Dec 29 4:58 pm

Spongebob lives on one of those!

Dec 29 4:51 pm

Uhhh, uhh.

Dec 29 4:30 pm

Miice. Miiise. Moose.
It maketh sense…

Dec 29 4:15 pm

lol! nice take on the subject! to be honest they arent that romantic anyhow! Id rather focus on the food…so I know that Im not being poisoned by mushrooms! 😡

Dec 29 4:12 pm

Its deff something else.
Haha yeah i tried to attempt the craazy 3D metal one, but i eventually got bored lmao.


My name is Justin, and you've stumbled upon my home on the web. From writing and coding to theater and cosplay, I'm always up to something. I haven’t been myself ever since I was born.

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