Happy New Year, You Drunk Bastard

New Year’s Eve is the time for new beginnings. It’s the time to start fresh and forget about your mistakes. It’s the time to get your shit together.

To do this, we makes resolutions. Some plan to visit church and pray for renewed relationships with God. Others vow to make positive changes in their personal lives; such as losing weight or vanquishing bad habits. Some even promise to quit drinking… with a glass of wine in hand.

For about 24 hours, it’s all pretty inspirational. This will be the year. It will actually happen. I will become a hero. I’ll motivate others. I’ll end up on Oprah.

Yet once the clock strikes midnight, it’s all over. All hell breaks loose. We suddenly resort to bloody savages. All our inspirational goals, and sometimes our underwear, are thrown out the window. We ring in the new year by getting drunk, destroying furniture, passing out on strangers’ beds, and then ultimately waking up the next morning spooning a bearded woman named Helga.

None of it makes any sense. Why do we sabotage our lives with such bizarre behavior? Was no one listening to me? I said it was time to get our shit together… not time to shit in a sweater.

We never learn. Every year, we want a New Year’s Eve we’ll never forget, and then we drink so much we can’t remember it.

We ruin such a great holiday, and it’s a damn shame. I love New Year’s Eve. It’s my guilty pleasure. Unlike Christmas where I’m forced to celebrate with relatives, New Year’s Eve is a chance to celebrate with people I actually enjoy celebrating with.

But I don’t like everything about this time of year. Some of the rituals are a tad bizarre. Why must we beat the crap out of pots and pans, gawk at terrorist explosions in the sky, and watch a giant ball descend?

We’re watching balls drop. I mean, I understand that we’re celebrating age and maturity, but do we really need a literal representation of puberty?

I was thinking of making a New Year’s resolution myself, but I thought, “Why tamper with perfection?” Instead, I’ll just wish you all a safe night out. I hope you remember me in the morning.

Leave Comment


  • Pat
    May 05, 2018 4:43 am

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  • Amy
    Jul 02, 2013 5:08 pm

    Your mom probably isn't very happy right now….

  • Mimi
    Jan 02, 2009 12:07 pm

    Yeah, you probably don't know me but I remember your old blog fo shizzle my biscuit, I see you haven't stopped being hilarious (I'm not a stalker, I swear, just very observant LOL). But yeah, your mom just might murder you a few times with those slick comments lol. My new years was uber boring but I'm thankful to have made it another year.

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