New Year’s Eve is the time for new beginnings. It’s the time to start fresh and forget about our mistakes. It’s the time to get our shit together.
To do this, we make resolutions. Some plan to visit church and pray for renewed relationships with God. Some vow to make positive changes in their personal lives like losing weight or vanquishing bad habits. Some promise to quit drinking… with a glass of wine in hand.
For about 24 hours, it’s all pretty inspirational. “This will be the year,” we say. “It’ll actually happen this time. We’ll become heroes. We’ll motivate others. We’ll end up on the Oprah Network.”
Things look promising until the clock strikes midnight. Once that happens, it’s all over. Hell breaks loose. We resort to bloody savages. All of our inspirational goals, and sometimes even our underwear, are thrown out the window. We ring in the new year by getting drunk, destroying furniture, passing out on strangers’ beds, and then ultimately waking up the next morning spooning a bearded woman named Helga.
None of it makes any sense. Why do we sabotage our lives with such bizarre behavior? Do we hate ourselves? Well yeah, probably.
Regardless, we need to find a little dignity. Do you all listen to yourselves when you make these resolutions? Do you even listen to me? Stop with the shenanigans. Up above, I said it was time to get our shit together… not time to shit in a sweater.
We never learn. Every year, we want a New Year’s Eve that we’ll never forget, but then we drink so much we can’t remember it.
We ruin such a great holiday, and it’s a damn shame. I love New Year’s Eve. It’s my guilty pleasure. Unlike Christmas (a holiday that forces me to celebrate with relatives), New Year’s Eve is a chance to celebrate with people I actually enjoy celebrating with.
The traditions aren’t helping either. Some of these rituals are bizarre. Like, why must we beat the crap out of pots and pans, witness trauma-inducing explosions in the sky, and gawk as a giant ball descends?
Seriously. We are watching balls drop. I mean, I understand that we’re celebrating age and maturity, but do we really need a literal representation of puberty?
Regardless of how I feel, I still planned on making a New Year’s resolution. I had some pretty good ideas, but then I thought, “Why tamper with perfection?” For now, I’ll just wish you all a safe night out. I hope you remember me in the morning.