Happy New Year, You Drunk Bastard

New Year’s Eve is the time for new beginnings. It’s the time to start fresh and forget about our mistakes. It’s the time to get our shit together.

To do this, we make resolutions. Some plan to visit church and pray for renewed relationships with God. Some vow to make positive changes in their personal lives like losing weight or vanquishing bad habits. Some promise to quit drinking… with a glass of wine in hand.

For about 24 hours, it’s all pretty inspirational. “This will be the year,” we say.ย  “It’ll actually happen this time. We’ll become heroes. We’ll motivate others. We’ll end up on the Oprah Network.”

Things look promising until the clock strikes midnight. Once that happens, it’s all over. Hell breaks loose. We resort to bloody savages. All of our inspirational goals, and sometimes even our underwear, are thrown out the window. We ring in the new year by getting drunk, destroying furniture, passing out on strangers’ beds, and then ultimately waking up the next morning spooning a bearded woman named Helga.

None of it makes any sense. Why do we sabotage our lives with such bizarre behavior? Do we hate ourselves? Well yeah, probably.

Regardless, we need to find a little dignity. Do you all listen to yourselves when you make these resolutions? Do you even listen to me? Stop with the shenanigans. Up above, I said it was time to get our shit together… not time to shit in a sweater.

We never learn. Every year, we want a New Year’s Eve that we’ll never forget, but then we drink so much we can’t remember it.

We ruin such a great holiday, and it’s a damn shame. I love New Year’s Eve. It’s my guilty pleasure. Unlike Christmas (a holiday that forces me to celebrate with relatives), New Year’s Eve is a chance to celebrate with people I actually enjoy celebrating with.

The traditions aren’t helping either. Some of these rituals are bizarre. Like, why must we beat the crap out of pots and pans, witness trauma-inducing explosions in the sky, and gawk as a giant ball descends?

Seriously. We are watching balls drop. I mean, I understand that we’re celebrating age and maturity, but do we really need a literal representation of puberty?

Regardless of how I feel, I still planned on making a New Year’s resolution. I had some pretty good ideas, but then I thought, “Why tamper with perfection?” For now, I’ll just wish you all a safe night out. I hope you remember me in the morning.

Leave Comment

Dec 30 7:11 pm

I guess New Years Eve is the last chance to be "bad" before acting on one's resolutions!

I don't make resolutions, either. I'm pretty sure New Year's Resolutions have like, a 120% chance of failure.

Dec 30 7:10 pm

ahah thanks.
well that's what I've heard,
apparently when they changed into the 'sailors' the transformation process was too profine <.<
if that's even possible :p

right, tamper with perfection -crickets-
ahah i get what you mean, some people are like im gonna do this great thing and others are like.
don't even remember the night Dx

Dec 30 7:09 pm

Awh, aha. Well I'm going to be using your template code soon enough and then highly editing it :]

Affies? Before I forget.

You could help me on explaining how to get a freaking background on my site. Someone told me that I have to just leave the background on my layout transparent and then save it as a png. BUT, it doesn't stay transparent if I save it as a png, so I'm completely lost Like, your little new years background. My layouts are always sooo boring because they have no textures or anything.

Happy New Year ๐Ÿ™‚
I'm hoping to get Photoshop soon!

Dec 30 7:04 pm

your wallet comes in mind ๐Ÿ˜€

Dec 30 6:58 pm

lol thanks. people on rev.iew.me constantly complain about invalid coding so i thought i might aswel code it lol.

yeah new years eve kinda sucks, although i never get that drunk, i always remember it. lmao.

Have a good one ๐Ÿ™‚

Dec 30 6:56 pm

"Watch balls drop…" that's genius, gotta say >.<
I'll get around to it…sometime… >.>

lillie ate your pants
Dec 30 6:53 pm

lol@ the mom thing ๐Ÿ˜ฎ
my resolution is to roll around in a mountain of money ๐Ÿ˜€ hehehe. *grins*

Dec 30 6:52 pm

It's a japanese food :0
It's really yummy ๐Ÿ™‚

Dec 30 6:29 pm

"why tamper with perfection?"

Yep, I got a kick out of that part, too. Haha!

Dec 30 6:28 pm

Well, I hate making resolutions… I never follow them, but I want amazing things for 2009!

About the poem on my blog, Carlos Drummond de Andrade wrote that, he's a brazilian poet, I forgot to put his name there. I'm glad you liked it.

Would you interested in affiliates? Just let me know.

Dec 30 6:04 pm

Lol nice XD I also made rice balls smileys ๐Ÿ˜›

I don't bother with making New Year's resolutions because I never follow through with them xD

Dec 30 5:49 pm

Lmaoo thanks alot xD Does it snow in Ohio ?!
Regardless, i would totally dump snow on your driveway too ๐Ÿ˜€
Btw loving the confetti background haha.
LMAO, omg your blogs always make make me laugh really hard, but thats so true! The New Year is suppose to be a time to make resolutions yet everyone seems to enjoy getting wasted.
Haha tell me about "bizarre rituals."
We just have to accept that our world is a messed up place ๐Ÿ˜€
Hope you have a fab new year! ๐Ÿ™‚

Dec 30 5:39 pm

"Why tamper with perfection?"


Dec 30 5:34 pm

Your articles never fail to amuse me! Yeah sometimes there's a lot of ironies and satire in resolutions itself. Well as they all say leopards can't change their spots overnight, and I definitely won't forget you. I even featured you in my other personal blog!

Dec 30 5:25 pm

My new year's resolution is to lose weight.. that's not a bad thing. I'll definatley remember you in the morning. Maybe when you wake up you'll be cuddled next to me.. but I won't be a bearded old manly woman named Helga..


My name is Justin, and you've stumbled upon my home on the web. From writing and coding to theater and cosplay, I'm always up to something. I havenโ€™t been myself ever since I was born.

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