My mother always said I should start every day with a smile.
Well, I’ve been thinking about it, and that’s a pretty tough task. When I wake up, my mouth is usually in a frowning position. And no, it’s not because I’m sad. That’s just my face. When I sleep, I have literal resting bitch face.
Frown aside, my mouth is overcoming additional obstacles. Sometimes it’s dry and chapped. Sometimes it’s wet and drooly. Sometimes it’s covered in whipped cream from the kinky night before.
Sorry Mom, but I can’t do it. There’s no possible way for me to follow your advice.
Yes, I suppose I could adjust my face as soon as I’m coherent, but technically, that’s not starting my day with a smile. It doesn’t count.
And besides, I don’t have the acting chops to pull off the switcheroo. Somebody would catch me. Somebody always catches me when I fake things in bed.
Even if I could fool the world with an Oscar-worthy performance, I’d run into other problems. Like, am I supposed to interpret the day literally? Should I be smiling at precisely 12:00 AM?
This is problematic. Most midnights, I’m not even asleep yet. To follow the rules, I’d have to smile before I go to sleep. I would no longer be starting my day in the morning, but rather, I’d be starting my day in the middle of the previous night. I’d be starting my day on the previous day before the previous day even ended, and my bedtime would be my morning. None of this makes any damn sense.
And what if I am asleep at midnight? Unless I develop a habit of sleep-smiling, I’m doomed. I’d have to find a way to physically hold up my smile all night.
Maybe I could duct tape my lips? Maybe I could get Botox injections? Maybe I could hire a magical gnome who watches me in my sleep and touches my face when the time is right?
Bah, I give up. I’m not going to smile. Smiling is overrated. Who even cares if I follow my mother’s advice? I mean, it’s not like this is the first time I disobeyed her. I have “whipped cream” stained sheets to prove it.
What’s the worst that could happen? If I don’t smile, will be consequences? Is this one of those superstition things? Is it like seeing a black cat, walking under a ladder, or breaking a mirror with my ugly face?
If I don’t start my day with a smile, will I have bad luck forever? Will I get hurt? Will I fall out of a window? Will I crap my pants?
Maybe this is more serious than I thought. Mom, I’m starting every day with a diaper.