Oh Snow You Didn’t!

Outside of work, you’ll never see me wearing pants. I hate the way they look. I hate the way they feel. I hate the way the formfitting material makes me accidentally twerk.

It’s no secret that I have a big ol’ man booty, and pants make it look even bigger. I don’t care if they’re slacks, capris, or even sweatpants. When my butt has drapes, it takes new shapes.

But no, I don’t go outside with an exposed butt. That would be creepy. I’m not some sicko pedobear like Winnie the Pooh. I understand that I have to literally cover my ass, so instead of pants, I simply wear shorts. I like to wear shorts! They’re comfy and easy to wear!

For whatever reason, shorts don’t accentuate my badonkadonk. If anything, they make it disappear. People actively avoid it. I don’t know why it works, but it does. Perhaps it has something to do with my offensive, Hulk-ish legs.

There’s only one problem with wearing shorts every day: winter. When it gets chilly outside, I’m forced to choose between looking plump or getting hypothermia.

For this reason, I despise winter. I don’t want anything to do with it. I don’t want snow. I don’t want mittens. I don’t want the movie Frozen. No, Anna, I don’t want to build a damn snowman. I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, and sippin’ on margaritas.

For real, though. Why must it get so cold? Why can’t the weather remain constant? Bah. Sometimes I wish global warming would hurry up already.

Winter is lasting longer and longer each year. Recently, we had a snow day in April. Yes, April. I never would have guessed there’d be freezing temperatures in the springtime; yet when I peered outside my window, it looked like Frosty the Snowman had exploded on the driveway.

I was in utter disbelief, so I turned on the TV to watch the forecast. As the weatherman described the situation, suspicious questions rushed through my mind. Is this an April Fools joke? Does the News Channel air re-runs? Are we stuck in a giant snow globe, and some idiot keeps shaking it?

Looking back, I have no words to describe that day. I do, however, have a ton of obscene gestures.

I felt better once I realized I didn’t have to work. In fact, I even got a little excited. For some reason, I felt an urge to embrace the season. Completely out of character, I put on my winter coat and shorts, grabbed some friends, and ventured to the local park. It was time to try sledding.

Unlike my buddies, I had never gone sledding before. Hell, I had barely done anything in the snow before.

I was incredibly nervous. I placed my sled on the top of the hill and took ten steps back. My plan was to get a running start for maximum speed. I counted down and began my sprint, but as I jolted forward, I lost my balance and completely missed the sled. I went tumbling down the hill like a ragdoll. As I flailed around, gasping for air, snow flew up my shorts and gave me frost-crotch. Eventually, I lost momentum and yelled a loud roar as I belly-flopped into a puff of snow.

On a lighter note, it was probably the best snow angel I ever made.

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Jan 30 9:34 am

You always manage to make the most interesting posts about yourself! You belly flopped on the snow? Haha I hope it didn't hurt too much :p

Jan 30 8:55 am

Sure you can. 🙂 My laptop pool only allows people under the height of 12 cm to swim though. But if you're ridiculously small then go for it. Lol. 🙂

The snow day sounds fun! I've never been sledding, so I'll have to do it next time we have a snow day. We had one in December so I doubt they'll be one soon. Aww.


Jan 30 8:54 am

Ha, thank you 🙂 That's why all my blogs were ranting about my layouts. I KNEW I could do better, but it just wasn't working, lol.

As for sledding, you can have all of my snow and ice. And if you would have asked, which I'm not sure why you would have, I would have known you'd fall if you run and jump on a sled, lol.

Jan 30 8:26 am

You've never been sledding before O:
woah. just woah.

haha snow can be fun xD

yep pretty much. that's me skipping around.
I don't really have exact details. mom was worried, wondering why no one old her, she think she need to be more inclusive and do more as a family.
yeah hannah is doing okay, she's good. it went better for her than she thought..

Jan 30 8:17 am

How do you step on your own arm?! O_O I'm also half asleep in the morning but something like that never happened to me!

Jan 30 8:02 am

Hahaha, very nice. Don't feel bad, I've never been sledding myself.

By the way, I'm totally allowed to ignore my site. I can't do stuff to it when I'm on a break at the best friends house. That would be just rude.

Jan 30 7:53 am

I've actually never gone sledding either, even though winter lasts like half a year where I live. 😛 We had a "snow day" too this week, but I was home anyway because I had already finished all my exams.

Jan 30 7:03 am

Omfg snowwww. Me likey.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Steamboat_(food) That's steamboat. :p

Jan 30 4:22 am

Haha thanks.
I know, I've been moving around sites so many times 😛

Aww, you're so lucky, as I live in London we're lucky to get snow once in two years. Pollution has totally killed it.

I've never been sledding, the only sort of sledding I've done, was sitting on a mattress and sliding it down the hard wooden stairs.. it was fun, but it hurts like hell 😛

Jan 30 2:11 am

I wish that it snowed here.
It doesn't ever snow where I live =(

Jan 30 2:05 am

hahahaha thanks!
Lucky you. At least it snows where you live. In Dubai it does not snow at all. I want snooowww.
It sounds that you had a great day sledding.

Jan 30 12:51 am

That sounds like an epic snow angel! I love snow days, and I'm glad you got the change to go sledding.

I'm more interested in a video of you stepping on your arm 😉

Jan 30 12:24 am

I would have totally paid money to see you miss that sled! Where was Nate with the video camera then?!

BTW, I totally looked at my comments and was like, WTF? Who the heck is biscuit? lol

Jan 30 12:17 am

Haha nice 😛
Hm, I have no idea, do you wanna be? Cause I'll add you if you okay it XD

OMG. I love Frosty! :] I'm not a morning person either, i HATE it. I have to wake up at 6:50 every morning D: What a drag.
Awwwww. Are you feeling any better? I've never belly-flopped into anything before =/ But it looks hella painful.

Jan 29 11:23 pm

How come you get to go sledding (well, at least you tried) and I have to do calculus problems (when I'm also not awake)? Not fair!

I tried making a snow angel last month (when we got about a foot of snow) but the snow was too powdery and too deep, it was so hard to get out. I ended up wiggling my way out and the angel looked like it had the ghettoest booty ever!


My name is Justin, and you've stumbled upon my home on the web. From writing and coding to theater and cosplay, I'm always up to something. I haven’t been myself ever since I was born.

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