30

Outside of work, you will never see me wearing pants. I hate the way they look. I hate the way they feel. I hate the way the formfitting materials make me twerk by mistake.

It’s no secret that I have a big ol’ man booty. Pants make it even bigger. I simply don’t look right wearing pants. I don’t care if they’re slacks, capris, or even sweatpants. When my butt has drapes, it takes new shapes.

But no, I don’t go outside wearing no pants. I’m not that creepy. I’m not “Winnie the Pooh” creepy. I simply wear shorts instead of pants. I like to wear shorts! They’re comfy and easy to wear!

For whatever reason, shorts don’t accentuate my badonkadonk. If anything, they make it disappear. People look away from it. I don’t know why it works, but it does. Perhaps it has something to do with my intimidating, Hulk-ish legs.

There’s only one problem with wearing shorts every day: winter. When it starts getting chilly outside, I’m forced to choose between looking plump or getting hypothermia.

For this reason, I despise winter. I don’t want anything to do with it. I don’t want snow. I don’t want mittens. I don’t want the movie Frozen. No Anna, I don’t want to build a f***ing snowman. I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, and sippin’ on margaritas.

Why can’t the weather remain constant? Why must it get so cold? I wish global warming would hurry up already.

Winter is lasting longer and longer each year. This past year, we had a snow day in April. Yes, April. I never would have guessed there’d be freezing temperatures in the springtime; yet on that day, when I peered out my window, it looked like Frosty the Snowman had exploded in my driveway.

I was in disbelief. I turned on the TV to watch the forecast. As the weatherman described the situation, weird questions rushed through my mind. Is this an April Fools joke? Does the News Channel air re-runs? Are we stuck in a giant snow globe, and some idiot keeps shaking it?

Looking back, I have no words to describe that day. I do, however, have a ton of obscene gestures.

Surprisingly, I tried my best to stay positive. After all, at least I didn’t have to go to work. I decided that maybe I should give winter a second chance. I needed to embrace it with a festive activity. After assessing my options, I chose to go sledding.

I put on some shorts, grabbed some friends, and ventured to the local park. Unlike my buddies, I had never gone sledding before. Hell, I had barely done anything in the snow before. I was super nervous.

I placed my sled at the top of the hill and took ten steps back. My plan was to get a running start for maximum speed. Unfortunately, as I jolted forward, I lost my balance and missed the sled. I went tumbling down the hill like a ragdoll. As I flailed around gasping for air, snow flew up my shorts and gave me frost-crotch. For the grand finale, I belly-flopped into the snow and completely vanished.

On a lighter note, it was probably the best snow angel I ever made.