Outside of work, you’ll never see me wearing pants. I hate the way they look. I hate the way they feel. I hate the way the formfitting material makes me accidentally twerk.
It’s no secret that I have a big ol’ man booty, and pants make it look even bigger. I don’t care if they’re slacks, capris, or even sweatpants. When my butt has drapes, it takes new shapes.
But no, I don’t go outside with an exposed butt. That would be creepy. I’m not some sicko pedobear like Winnie the Pooh. I understand that I have to literally cover my ass, so instead of pants, I simply wear shorts. I like to wear shorts! They’re comfy and easy to wear!
For whatever reason, shorts don’t accentuate my badonkadonk. If anything, they make it disappear. People actively avoid it. I don’t know why it works, but it does. Perhaps it has something to do with my offensive, Hulk-ish legs.
There’s only one problem with wearing shorts every day: winter. When it gets chilly outside, I’m forced to choose between looking plump or getting hypothermia.
For this reason, I despise winter. I don’t want anything to do with it. I don’t want snow. I don’t want mittens. I don’t want the movie Frozen. No, Anna, I don’t want to build a damn snowman. I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, and sippin’ on margaritas.
For real, though. Why must it get so cold? Why can’t the weather remain constant? Bah. Sometimes I wish global warming would hurry up already.
Winter is lasting longer and longer each year. Recently, we had a snow day in April. Yes, April. I never would have guessed there’d be freezing temperatures in the springtime; yet when I peered outside my window, it looked like Frosty the Snowman had exploded on the driveway.
I was in utter disbelief, so I turned on the TV to watch the forecast. As the weatherman described the situation, suspicious questions rushed through my mind. Is this an April Fools joke? Does the News Channel air re-runs? Are we stuck in a giant snow globe, and some idiot keeps shaking it?
Looking back, I have no words to describe that day. I do, however, have a ton of obscene gestures.
I felt better once I realized I didn’t have to work. In fact, I even got a little excited. For some reason, I felt an urge to embrace the season. Completely out of character, I put on my winter coat and shorts, grabbed some friends, and ventured to the local park. It was time to try sledding.
Unlike my buddies, I had never gone sledding before. Hell, I had barely done anything in the snow before.
I was incredibly nervous. I placed my sled on the top of the hill and took ten steps back. My plan was to get a running start for maximum speed. I counted down and began my sprint, but as I jolted forward, I lost my balance and completely missed the sled. I went tumbling down the hill like a ragdoll. As I flailed around, gasping for air, snow flew up my shorts and gave me frost-crotch. Eventually, I lost momentum and yelled a loud roar as I belly-flopped into a puff of snow.
On a lighter note, it was probably the best snow angel I ever made.