30

JAN

Oh Snow You Didn’t!

Outside of work, you’ll never see me wearing pants. I hate the way they look. I hate the way they feel. I hate the way the formfitting material makes me accidentally twerk.

It’s no secret that I have a big ol’ man booty, and pants make it look even bigger. I don’t care if they’re slacks, capris, or even sweatpants. When my butt has drapes, it takes new shapes.

But no, I don’t go outside with an exposed butt. That would be creepy. I’m not some sicko pedobear like Winnie the Pooh. I understand that I have to literally cover my ass, so instead of pants, I simply wear shorts. I like to wear shorts!Β They’re comfy and easy to wear!

For whatever reason, shorts don’t accentuate my badonkadonk. If anything, they make it disappear. People actively avoid it. I don’t know why it works, but it does. Perhaps it has something to do with my offensive, Hulk-ish legs.

There’s only one problem with wearing shorts every day: winter. When it gets chilly outside, I’m forced to choose between looking plump or getting hypothermia.

For this reason,Β I despise winter.Β I don’t want anything to do with it.Β I don’t want snow. I don’t want mittens. I don’t want the movie Frozen. No, Anna, I don’t want to build a damn snowman. I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, and sippin’ on margaritas.

For real, though. Why must it get so cold? Why can’t the weather remain constant? Bah. Sometimes I wish global warming would hurry up already.

Winter is lasting longer and longer each year. Recently, we had a snow day in April. Yes, April. I never would have guessed there’d be freezing temperatures in the springtime; yet when I peered outside my window, it looked like Frosty the Snowman had exploded on the driveway.

I was in utter disbelief, so I turned on the TV to watch the forecast. As the weatherman described the situation, suspicious questions rushed through my mind. Is this an April Fools joke? Does the News Channel air re-runs? Are we stuck in a giant snow globe, and some idiot keeps shaking it?

Looking back, I have no words to describe that day. I do, however, have a ton of obscene gestures.

I felt better once I realized I didn’t have to work. In fact, I even got a little excited. For some reason, I felt an urge to embrace the season. Completely out of character, I put on my winter coat and shorts, grabbed some friends, and ventured to the local park. It was time to try sledding.

Unlike my buddies, I had never gone sledding before. Hell, I had barely done anything in the snow before.

I was incredibly nervous. I placed my sled on the top of the hill and took ten steps back. My plan was to get a running start for maximum speed. I counted down and began my sprint, but as I jolted forward, I lost my balance and completely missed the sled. I went tumbling down the hill like a ragdoll. As I flailed around, gasping for air, snow flew up my shorts and gave me frost-crotch. Eventually, I lost momentum and yelled a loud roar as I belly-flopped into a puff of snow.

On a lighter note, it was probably the best snow angel I ever made.

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107 Comments
lillie
Feb 01 4:21 pm

lmaos πŸ™‚ i would but i ain't walking THAT far πŸ˜€


Meaghan!
Feb 01 4:18 pm

Lol, stupid make up sales people ><;
Ahhh I gots a domainn πŸ™‚ Change my url? Thanks πŸ˜€


Gillian
Feb 01 3:45 pm

so truue (: i suggest you start saving up now.
if i saw "i peed a little " on someone random persons neck .. that moment would be epic.


Deanna
Feb 01 2:36 pm

Three snow days in a row? That's pretty rare. We had the university canceled one day last week which doesn't happen very often. Too bad I didn't have class that day lol. We got a some more snow yesterday. We have been getting a lot of it this year actually.

I am very interested to know how you would step on your arm. That seems pretty difficult to do. As for walking into walls, that is normal for me as well. And I agree, when I hear that school is canceled I never believe it. I have to double and triple check. The first place I hear it is on the radio. Then I turn on my computer to check if it says it there too. And then I check facebook and MSN to see if anyone has it listed in their status. I have to make sure that I can go back to bed lol.

You have never gone sledding before?! Now I have to ask you, where do you live? We went sledding every possible chance we could when we were kids. My boyfriend still likes to go sledding, but no one will go with him lol.

Hahaha, when I read what happened when you tried to go down the hill I also started laughing. Good effort though. You had the right idea. Just need to work on yoru aim.


Shellz
Feb 01 12:24 pm

And thanks a lot for asking me the same question over and over knowing that I hate that. πŸ™‚ And thanks a lot for asking me the same question over and over knowing that I hate that. πŸ™‚ And thanks a lot for asking me the same question over and over knowing that I hate that. πŸ™‚ And thanks a lot for asking me the same question over and over knowing that I hate that. πŸ™‚ And thanks a lot for asking me the same question over and over knowing that I hate that. πŸ™‚


Shellz
Feb 01 12:24 pm

Eat your way out of the snow? LMAO! Sounds like my old school. It could be tornado warnings and we'd still have to go to school, we'd just be in the halls though. I know someone who's school was out because it rained, I was like WTF, I need to go to that school! I'd love to go sledding and also snowboarding, both sound fun! I would have told that old man to go find himself a turkey sandwich. πŸ™‚


farah
Feb 01 10:27 am

haha, sure i will. and my parents will kill me! fun stuff, lmfao.
haha, that belly-flop thing sounds like something that would happen to me, lol. i'm a klutz like that -_-
but still sounds like you had fun hey? at least you get snow days. all we get here are rain days. grawrrr. D:


Kari
Feb 01 10:08 am

Three?! WOW lucky! Yeah, I know my brother's college never gets any snow days or anything like that..I had one last week though which was nice.
Hahaha sounds like you had fun sledding though!


Jay
Feb 01 9:56 am

Ah, when I lived in Michigan we had to trudge to school in snow, ON FOOT even when it was past your mid leg (beyond the ankles) <<< woahh that sounded sexual =P

Now where I live down south, if the grass gets frosty we're still in school! I'm like ookay, grass snow caps, big deal.

Snow days were never fun for me, I had to either A: shovel the entrance to our home, B: "scrape" the car, or C: more shoveling! I've never been sledding but I bet that "snow angel" was brought to life eh?


Melle
Feb 01 5:33 am

LMAO sledding is hella fun though.. lol

you should go dinner with me.. haha im not gonna let you eat spicy vegies. I promise.. lol


Alexandra
Feb 01 3:34 am

Having never made a snow angel, I would like to learn. Please video yourself performing this sledding stunt next time so I can gain a better understanding πŸ˜€


Fidi
Feb 01 12:56 am

LMAO i never knew the weather channel aired reruns.
I haven't been sledding in forever.
3 days though, your lucky I only got 1.


Kat - Kat
Feb 01 12:27 am

how I wish there would be snow days in the Philippines. ahhahaha ~

Our school admin wont cancel our class too even if it's raining hard. Not always, but most of the time.

I rememeber when I was a sophomore, all of the schools in our place cancelled their classes due to heavy rain, except our school. LOL :))

I like to see the snow angel you made πŸ˜›


April
Jan 31 11:29 pm

Weather's just plain unpredictable, yeah, even here in the Philippines. Cold weather was delayed, supposedly it would be last year around Oct-Nov but then it was so fckng hot that time. I've read many blogs that their classes was being canceled due to the snow thing.


Lani
Jan 31 9:19 pm

we should be! I'll add you, I talk to you more than anyone else I'm affiliated with lol so its probably warranted.
-has just remembered you're from Cincy- haha hooray for snow days! well.. for you guys anyway, I've spent this week in my pool lol.