30

JAN

Oh Snow You Didn’t!

Outside of work, you’ll never see me wearing pants. I hate the way they look. I hate the way they feel. I hate the way the formfitting material makes me accidentally twerk.

It’s no secret that I have a big ol’ man booty, and pants make it look even bigger. I don’t care if they’re slacks, capris, or even sweatpants. When my butt has drapes, it takes new shapes.

But no, I don’t go outside with an exposed butt. That would be creepy. I’m not some sicko pedobear like Winnie the Pooh. I understand that I have to literally cover my ass, so instead of pants, I simply wear shorts. I like to wear shorts!Β They’re comfy and easy to wear!

For whatever reason, shorts don’t accentuate my badonkadonk. If anything, they make it disappear. People actively avoid it. I don’t know why it works, but it does. Perhaps it has something to do with my offensive, Hulk-ish legs.

There’s only one problem with wearing shorts every day: winter. When it gets chilly outside, I’m forced to choose between looking plump or getting hypothermia.

For this reason,Β I despise winter.Β I don’t want anything to do with it.Β I don’t want snow. I don’t want mittens. I don’t want the movie Frozen. No, Anna, I don’t want to build a damn snowman. I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, and sippin’ on margaritas.

For real, though. Why must it get so cold? Why can’t the weather remain constant? Bah. Sometimes I wish global warming would hurry up already.

Winter is lasting longer and longer each year. Recently, we had a snow day in April. Yes, April. I never would have guessed there’d be freezing temperatures in the springtime; yet when I peered outside my window, it looked like Frosty the Snowman had exploded on the driveway.

I was in utter disbelief, so I turned on the TV to watch the forecast. As the weatherman described the situation, suspicious questions rushed through my mind. Is this an April Fools joke? Does the News Channel air re-runs? Are we stuck in a giant snow globe, and some idiot keeps shaking it?

Looking back, I have no words to describe that day. I do, however, have a ton of obscene gestures.

I felt better once I realized I didn’t have to work. In fact, I even got a little excited. For some reason, I felt an urge to embrace the season. Completely out of character, I put on my winter coat and shorts, grabbed some friends, and ventured to the local park. It was time to try sledding.

Unlike my buddies, I had never gone sledding before. Hell, I had barely done anything in the snow before.

I was incredibly nervous. I placed my sled on the top of the hill and took ten steps back. My plan was to get a running start for maximum speed. I counted down and began my sprint, but as I jolted forward, I lost my balance and completely missed the sled. I went tumbling down the hill like a ragdoll. As I flailed around, gasping for air, snow flew up my shorts and gave me frost-crotch. Eventually, I lost momentum and yelled a loud roar as I belly-flopped into a puff of snow.

On a lighter note, it was probably the best snow angel I ever made.

Leave Comment

107 Comments
Erica
Feb 02 5:26 am

I dont think the univ or college that I attend has ever had a snow day.


Sarah
Feb 02 2:02 am

Haha, there's no such thing as a scuba diving team, silly! I made the basketball team, lmao. But an underwater calculator would be cool, especially if it didn't electrocute you or anything… πŸ™‚

Was that an invitation? Because YERRR we should totally be affies! I will add your link right noww.

-Sarah


tiffany
Feb 01 11:11 pm

yay for snow and snow angels! XD I've never been in the snow before. πŸ™ damn my country and it's not cold-enough weather.


Leann
Feb 01 10:59 pm

I can't believe how much snow there has been this year too!! Except that I haven't had any snow days with classes cancelled πŸ™ The sledding sounds like it would have been tons and tons of fun… despite the belly-flop. But making snow angels are cool too! πŸ˜›


Meaghan!
Feb 01 10:49 pm

Nuh uh. He was glad that the Steelers were winning but he just thought that the Superbowls before this one was better.


Meaghan!
Feb 01 10:43 pm

Thanks πŸ™‚ Lol really now? I didn't watch the superbowl today :00
I heard it wasn't as good as the years before.


lillie
Feb 01 9:54 pm

psh i dont watch halftime.
i do other stuffs with this one person *winkwink* πŸ˜›


Meaghan!
Feb 01 9:44 pm

Haha, nice okay πŸ˜›
I bet I'm lazier than you! πŸ˜€
I'm good I guess, just really tired. Wbu?


Rachel
Feb 01 6:51 pm

Thanks for the comment about my layout πŸ˜€


Gillian
Feb 01 6:49 pm

Ohdamn. Superbowl commercials ? Now thats a smart way of advertising haha.
So what you been up to Justinnn ? (:


Lillie
Feb 01 5:55 pm

haha yeaah πŸ™‚
my dad an uncles are like "shet". πŸ˜€
"IN YO FASHE!"- lillie. πŸ˜›


Viki
Feb 01 5:55 pm

haha. man that's actually so true.awwh blog too long and the layout isn't exactly beautiful
write; 'nice layout im jealous'
ahha xD
humerous.


Meaghan!
Feb 01 5:49 pm

Lol okay πŸ˜›
I'm keeping the subdomain on for a while because my hostess says that there's a tiny chance something might go wrong with the add-on D:


Jill
Feb 01 5:37 pm

Lol.. yeah that could've been bad :X

Do you want to be? Affiliates that is..


Minteh
Feb 01 4:27 pm

Obviously it means AWESOME.
-shifty eyes-