Oh Snow You Didn’t!

Outside of work, you’ll never see me wearing pants. I hate the way they look. I hate the way they feel. I hate the way the formfitting material makes me accidentally twerk.

It’s no secret that I have a big ol’ man booty, and pants make it look even bigger. I don’t care if they’re slacks, capris, or even sweatpants. When my butt has drapes, it takes new shapes.

But no, I don’t go outside with an exposed butt. That would be creepy. I’m not some sicko pedobear like Winnie the Pooh. I understand that I have to literally cover my ass, so instead of pants, I simply wear shorts. I like to wear shorts! They’re comfy and easy to wear!

For whatever reason, shorts don’t accentuate my badonkadonk. If anything, they make it disappear. People actively avoid it. I don’t know why it works, but it does. Perhaps it has something to do with my offensive, Hulk-ish legs.

There’s only one problem with wearing shorts every day: winter. When it gets chilly outside, I’m forced to choose between looking plump or getting hypothermia.

For this reason, I despise winter. I don’t want anything to do with it. I don’t want snow. I don’t want mittens. I don’t want the movie Frozen. No, Anna, I don’t want to build a damn snowman. I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, and sippin’ on margaritas.

For real, though. Why must it get so cold? Why can’t the weather remain constant? Bah. Sometimes I wish global warming would hurry up already.

Winter is lasting longer and longer each year. Recently, we had a snow day in April. Yes, April. I never would have guessed there’d be freezing temperatures in the springtime; yet when I peered outside my window, it looked like Frosty the Snowman had exploded on the driveway.

I was in utter disbelief, so I turned on the TV to watch the forecast. As the weatherman described the situation, suspicious questions rushed through my mind. Is this an April Fools joke? Does the News Channel air re-runs? Are we stuck in a giant snow globe, and some idiot keeps shaking it?

Looking back, I have no words to describe that day. I do, however, have a ton of obscene gestures.

I felt better once I realized I didn’t have to work. In fact, I even got a little excited. For some reason, I felt an urge to embrace the season. Completely out of character, I put on my winter coat and shorts, grabbed some friends, and ventured to the local park. It was time to try sledding.

Unlike my buddies, I had never gone sledding before. Hell, I had barely done anything in the snow before.

I was incredibly nervous. I placed my sled on the top of the hill and took ten steps back. My plan was to get a running start for maximum speed. I counted down and began my sprint, but as I jolted forward, I lost my balance and completely missed the sled. I went tumbling down the hill like a ragdoll. As I flailed around, gasping for air, snow flew up my shorts and gave me frost-crotch. Eventually, I lost momentum and yelled a loud roar as I belly-flopped into a puff of snow.

On a lighter note, it was probably the best snow angel I ever made.

Leave Comment

Feb 02 6:32 pm

Well thats a WHOLE OTHER story.
See, i really liked the new guy, but it didnt seem like he liked me back, and he asked me hang out but i coudnt because i had plans FOR REAL. Buttt he thought i was making up an excuse to reject him .. and he really liked me back but he thought i didnt like him so we both moved on …….
I havent COMPLETELY moved on i still regret not being able to hang out, cause he wouldve asked me out KSJKJABVKAJVBAKJ.. anyways im good.

Feb 02 5:35 pm

Aww, snow. I wish it snows in tropical countries too. lol xD The weather's been all crazy here as well.

Feb 02 5:27 pm

so nwo you relate my website to crap?
jsut something you had to get out of you?
HAH HAH pun ^^
well that's some funny shit.
HAH HAH another pun ^^
wow. imma loser 😀

Feb 02 4:05 pm

Lol yeah i dont mind all the community service, it can turn out to be fun and it is how i met my ex. (Which is a good thing i guess ? )
Welllllll, i strted to like someone else basically. 🙁

Feb 02 3:26 pm

Heyy . long time no talk 😀
Aw snow angels 🙂

Feb 02 3:16 pm

Yeah thats what you have to deal with if you go to a catholic school.
But other schools in my area only have to do 20 or 10 hours and for us its … 40 !
I ended it, and at first i thought it went pretty well, but holy shit the after effects are bad.
And this happened like a few weeks before Christmas ?

Feb 02 3:04 pm

I dont even think its legal for someone as young as me to go to jail .. lmao.
Yeah, the breakup was uggggggglyyyyyyy .
He hasnt spoken to me since. And he stopped showing up to community service at church every sundaay, we use to do it together. Whatevs he probs never wants to see me again or somethinngg.

( Yes, i do alot of comunity service because i need 40 hours to graduate )

Feb 02 2:37 pm

lmaoo no.
my friend invited me to keep score of the game with her so we can get community service hours 😉

Feb 02 2:02 pm

ahahahhaa. Happened to me as well.. but without a sled.. when I was mad at my sis for not giving me the sled i just sat there and accidently slid down first on my ass then on my head and back to ass. Now you made me all nostalgic for snow and Russia

Feb 02 1:54 pm

haha it wasnt a waste of my time, well not entirely .. (:
it was very entertaining lmfao.
Im just getting ready to head off to another high school to keep score of a basketball gamee. Part that sucks is, its my ex bfs school, im praying i dont bump into him .. : /

Feb 02 1:28 pm

Oh wow i feel like a blonde sack of peanuts.. i should have figured that one out. Thanks though lmao.
LMFAO, oh wow boobies and crotches ?
Uhhh what can i say.. nice crotches ?
Didnt any of those falls hurt ?! Id be lke in pain. And nice ass slapping.
BAHAHAHHA i laughed so hard when the camera got knocked out near the end.

Feb 02 1:01 pm

:O noo .
where's the video ?

Feb 02 11:17 am

Ahh, yet another movie that I want to see, haha.

You've never had a snow day before? Well I hope those ones were extra fun! I think I'm getting that storm tomorrow, actually 😛

Feb 02 6:38 am

Haha. No you did not miss some. They are only 3 blogs about braces.
Yah I guess I am trying to scare people off! Braces are deadly don't you know!!! hahaha lol
No. I am just expressing my fealings. They are okay for me now. They don't hurt or anything. They feel just fine. I am getting used to them and trying to love them since I am having them for a year and a half. It's all good.
Anyways, how was your weekend?

Feb 02 5:36 am

YES! score!
if you're blind you can't read this.
so now I can't boast D:


My name is Justin, and you've stumbled upon my home on the web. From writing and coding to theater and cosplay, I'm always up to something. I haven’t been myself ever since I was born.

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