Oh Snow You Didn’t!

Outside of work, you’ll never see me wearing pants. I hate the way they look. I hate the way they feel. I hate the way the formfitting material makes me accidentally twerk.

It’s no secret that I have a big ol’ man booty, and pants make it look even bigger. I don’t care if they’re slacks, capris, or even sweatpants. When my butt has drapes, it takes new shapes.

But no, I don’t go outside with an exposed butt. That would be creepy. I’m not some sicko pedobear like Winnie the Pooh. I understand that I have to literally cover my ass, so instead of pants, I simply wear shorts. I like to wear shorts!Β They’re comfy and easy to wear!

For whatever reason, shorts don’t accentuate my badonkadonk. If anything, they make it disappear. People actively avoid it. I don’t know why it works, but it does. Perhaps it has something to do with my offensive, Hulk-ish legs.

There’s only one problem with wearing shorts every day: winter. When it gets chilly outside, I’m forced to choose between looking plump or getting hypothermia.

For this reason,Β I despise winter.Β I don’t want anything to do with it.Β I don’t want snow. I don’t want mittens. I don’t want the movie Frozen. No, Anna, I don’t want to build a damn snowman. I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, and sippin’ on margaritas.

For real, though. Why must it get so cold? Why can’t the weather remain constant? Bah. Sometimes I wish global warming would hurry up already.

Winter is lasting longer and longer each year. Recently, we had a snow day in April. Yes, April. I never would have guessed there’d be freezing temperatures in the springtime; yet when I peered outside my window, it looked like Frosty the Snowman had exploded on the driveway.

I was in utter disbelief, so I turned on the TV to watch the forecast. As the weatherman described the situation, suspicious questions rushed through my mind. Is this an April Fools joke? Does the News Channel air re-runs? Are we stuck in a giant snow globe, and some idiot keeps shaking it?

Looking back, I have no words to describe that day. I do, however, have a ton of obscene gestures.

I felt better once I realized I didn’t have to work. In fact, I even got a little excited. For some reason, I felt an urge to embrace the season. Completely out of character, I put on my winter coat and shorts, grabbed some friends, and ventured to the local park. It was time to try sledding.

Unlike my buddies, I had never gone sledding before. Hell, I had barely done anything in the snow before.

I was incredibly nervous. I placed my sled on the top of the hill and took ten steps back. My plan was to get a running start for maximum speed. I counted down and began my sprint, but as I jolted forward, I lost my balance and completely missed the sled. I went tumbling down the hill like a ragdoll. As I flailed around, gasping for air, snow flew up my shorts and gave me frost-crotch. Eventually, I lost momentum and yelled a loud roar as I belly-flopped into a puff of snow.

On a lighter note, it was probably the best snow angel I ever made.

Leave Comment

Feb 04 6:32 am

How in the world do you find time to comment everyone back? πŸ˜› I've been wondering that for a while.
But anyhow – yeah, snow days are rare but they suck. Only because the roads are icy and my mom doesn't let me drive whatsoever. How much snow did you guys get there?
PS i'm not a morning person either. ;]

Feb 04 3:58 am

Haha, what are chucks? I'm looking at nikes.. maybe like these.. http://www.shoelowdown.com/images/ConverseTripleDeuceMensBasketballShoes_12968

But our uniform is blue, so I dunno πŸ˜›

love mario party! I always lost that game though πŸ™ My brother always won, EVIL.

I had a hard test today too! A stupid science test on chemical reactions πŸ™ argg. What was your test on?


Feb 04 1:52 am

HAHAHAHA give you a fork and tell you to eat your way out? You have an very unique sense of humor πŸ˜› The weather here has been slightly weird too, damn it! It needs to straighen itself up, seriously.

Feb 03 6:33 pm

oh ewh damn calculus.
well we're doing physics in science now.
URG so hard he hasn't explained it and he's like do ti for homework.
ookay i lied
he's like only like 4 of you will be able to do it.
and you four will be the ones i spilt up and put into special groups, so that you can help your peers.
i mean I want to get it but I don't and I'm like forcing it my head, and Rachel is helping except she's so pro that it's like O:
and i have no common sense.
oh physics D:

Feb 03 5:11 pm

Haha I agree

Feb 03 12:59 pm

Haha yeah deff the most drama ive ever experienced.
And yeaup, i ended up single . Still am, and probs will be for awhileee.

Feb 03 9:34 am

Hahahahahahahahahaha. I fucking love your site, it's so hilarious. I LOVE you and your mates version of 'If I were a boy' mint as! You should be a sit-down comedian. πŸ™‚

Feb 03 9:25 am

OMG. YES, YOU'RE RIGHT!!! I'M AN IDIOT. Hahaha. PUBLIC displays of affection, not PERSONAL. Dude, I'm insane.

Ahh wells. At least you have your reasons πŸ˜€

HAHHAHA. Imagine if weather channels did run re-runs… "Hmm, the weather today looks pretty much the same as yesterday… Ahh screw it, just re-run!!" LOL.

I've never been sledding either πŸ™ Doh.

HAHAHAHHAHAA. GERONIMO!!! Ahh wells. Sounds like you had… fun… You okay from the fall? Lol.

Feb 03 5:32 am

you'll -sniff- laugh at me?
haha no worries.
I'm pretty terrible at this stuff.
I pulled off a 78% in math last year, worst subject.
URG I NEED to do better this year πŸ˜€
even if it means hours of sitting home understanding.
I WILL get it πŸ˜€

Feb 03 3:40 am

Haha, d'aww.. Lmao, I guess you could have a diving team.. but all you could do is like.. see how many rare fishes you can find πŸ˜› And wouldn't THAT be fun, haha.

Yerr, basketball πŸ™‚ I just got home from practice. My dad said that because I made the team he's gonna get me these super cool basketball shoes! πŸ˜€

Oh yeah! Am I supposed to remind you about linking me? πŸ™‚


Feb 02 9:34 pm

Aw man, I'm sorry!!! I guess my magical pizza-emailing skills just aren't up to par

Feb 02 9:31 pm

WOW sledding fail lol. Good job. My friend had a snow day too, in Maryland.

Kyra D.
Feb 02 7:34 pm

Ugh, I hate the snow. Apparently this is the most snow we've had (here) since the 1950's…>.>
Since the four feet of snow we have doesn't show any sign of melting, we don't get any more snow days from school O_o
The less snow days they give us now, the less days they keep us before summer break…and so I'm not complaining πŸ˜‰

Feb 02 7:18 pm

RERWEE? It's been my dream too! Dreams do come true.

Feb 02 6:37 pm

haha, yes, the pizza was DELISH πŸ˜€ *sends you some*


My name is Justin, and you've stumbled upon my home on the web. From writing and coding to theater and cosplay, I'm always up to something. I haven’t been myself ever since I was born.

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