Oh Snow You Didn’t!

Outside of work, you will never see me wearing pants. I hate the way they look. I hate the way they feel. I hate the way the formfitting materials make me twerk by mistake.

It’s no secret that I have a big ol’ man booty. Pants make it even bigger. I simply don’t look right wearing pants. I don’t care if they’re slacks, capris, or even sweatpants. When my butt has drapes, it takes new shapes.

But no, I don’t go outside wearing no pants. I’m not that creepy. I’m not “Winnie the Pooh” creepy. I simply wear shorts instead of pants. I like to wear shorts! They’re comfy and easy to wear!

For whatever reason, shorts don’t accentuate my badonkadonk. If anything, they make it disappear. People look away from it. I don’t know why it works, but it does. Perhaps it has something to do with my intimidating, Hulk-ish legs.

There’s only one problem with wearing shorts every day: winter. When it starts getting chilly outside, I’m forced to choose between looking plump or getting hypothermia.

For this reason, I despise winter. I don’t want anything to do with it. I don’t want snow. I don’t want mittens. I don’t want the movie Frozen. No Anna, I don’t want to build a f***ing snowman. I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, and sippin’ on margaritas.

Why can’t the weather remain constant? Why must it get so cold? I wish global warming would hurry up already.

Winter is lasting longer and longer each year. This past year, we had a snow day in April. Yes, April. I never would have guessed there’d be freezing temperatures in the springtime; yet on that day, when I peered out my window, it looked like Frosty the Snowman had exploded in my driveway.

I was in disbelief. I turned on the TV to watch the forecast. As the weatherman described the situation, weird questions rushed through my mind. Is this an April Fools joke? Does the News Channel air re-runs? Are we stuck in a giant snow globe, and some idiot keeps shaking it?

Looking back, I have no words to describe that day. I do, however, have a ton of obscene gestures.

Surprisingly, I tried my best to stay positive. After all, at least I didn’t have to go to work. I decided that maybe I should give winter a second chance. I needed to embrace it with a festive activity. After assessing my options, I chose to go sledding.

I put on some shorts, grabbed some friends, and ventured to the local park. Unlike my buddies, I had never gone sledding before. Hell, I had barely done anything in the snow before. I was super nervous.

I placed my sled at the top of the hill and took ten steps back. My plan was to get a running start for maximum speed. Unfortunately, as I jolted forward, I lost my balance and missed the sled. I went tumbling down the hill like a ragdoll. As I flailed around gasping for air, snow flew up my shorts and gave me frost-crotch. For the grand finale, I belly-flopped into the snow and completely vanished.

On a lighter note, it was probably the best snow angel I ever made.

Leave Comment


  • Chelsea
    Feb 04, 2009 6:32 am

    How in the world do you find time to comment everyone back? 😛 I've been wondering that for a while.
    But anyhow – yeah, snow days are rare but they suck. Only because the roads are icy and my mom doesn't let me drive whatsoever. How much snow did you guys get there?
    PS i'm not a morning person either. ;]

  • Sarah
    Feb 04, 2009 3:58 am

    Haha, what are chucks? I'm looking at nikes.. maybe like these.. http://www.shoelowdown.com/images/ConverseTripleDeuceMensBasketballShoes_12968

    But our uniform is blue, so I dunno 😛

    love mario party! I always lost that game though 🙁 My brother always won, EVIL.

    I had a hard test today too! A stupid science test on chemical reactions 🙁 argg. What was your test on?


  • Samantha
    Feb 04, 2009 1:52 am

    HAHAHAHA give you a fork and tell you to eat your way out? You have an very unique sense of humor 😛 The weather here has been slightly weird too, damn it! It needs to straighen itself up, seriously.

  • Viki
    Feb 03, 2009 6:33 pm

    oh ewh damn calculus.
    well we're doing physics in science now.
    URG so hard he hasn't explained it and he's like do ti for homework.
    ookay i lied
    he's like only like 4 of you will be able to do it.
    and you four will be the ones i spilt up and put into special groups, so that you can help your peers.
    i mean I want to get it but I don't and I'm like forcing it my head, and Rachel is helping except she's so pro that it's like O:
    and i have no common sense.
    oh physics D:

  • Jill
    Feb 03, 2009 5:11 pm

    Haha I agree

  • Gillian
    Feb 03, 2009 12:59 pm

    Haha yeah deff the most drama ive ever experienced.
    And yeaup, i ended up single . Still am, and probs will be for awhileee.

  • Shell
    Feb 03, 2009 9:34 am

    Hahahahahahahahahaha. I fucking love your site, it's so hilarious. I LOVE you and your mates version of 'If I were a boy' mint as! You should be a sit-down comedian. 🙂

  • Chrys
    Feb 03, 2009 9:25 am

    OMG. YES, YOU'RE RIGHT!!! I'M AN IDIOT. Hahaha. PUBLIC displays of affection, not PERSONAL. Dude, I'm insane.

    Ahh wells. At least you have your reasons 😀

    HAHHAHA. Imagine if weather channels did run re-runs… "Hmm, the weather today looks pretty much the same as yesterday… Ahh screw it, just re-run!!" LOL.

    I've never been sledding either 🙁 Doh.

    HAHAHAHHAHAA. GERONIMO!!! Ahh wells. Sounds like you had… fun… You okay from the fall? Lol.

  • Viki
    Feb 03, 2009 5:32 am

    you'll -sniff- laugh at me?
    haha no worries.
    I'm pretty terrible at this stuff.
    I pulled off a 78% in math last year, worst subject.
    URG I NEED to do better this year 😀
    even if it means hours of sitting home understanding.
    I WILL get it 😀

  • Sarah
    Feb 03, 2009 3:40 am

    Haha, d'aww.. Lmao, I guess you could have a diving team.. but all you could do is like.. see how many rare fishes you can find 😛 And wouldn't THAT be fun, haha.

    Yerr, basketball 🙂 I just got home from practice. My dad said that because I made the team he's gonna get me these super cool basketball shoes! 😀

    Oh yeah! Am I supposed to remind you about linking me? 🙂


  • Rachel
    Feb 02, 2009 9:34 pm

    Aw man, I'm sorry!!! I guess my magical pizza-emailing skills just aren't up to par

  • Ria
    Feb 02, 2009 9:31 pm

    WOW sledding fail lol. Good job. My friend had a snow day too, in Maryland.

  • Kyra D.
    Feb 02, 2009 7:34 pm

    Ugh, I hate the snow. Apparently this is the most snow we've had (here) since the 1950's…>.>
    Since the four feet of snow we have doesn't show any sign of melting, we don't get any more snow days from school O_o
    The less snow days they give us now, the less days they keep us before summer break…and so I'm not complaining 😉

  • Jill
    Feb 02, 2009 7:18 pm

    RERWEE? It's been my dream too! Dreams do come true.

  • Rachel
    Feb 02, 2009 6:37 pm

    haha, yes, the pizza was DELISH 😀 *sends you some*

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