In my experience, first dates are awkward. When I barely know the other person, it’s a struggle to keep the conversation going. Inevitably, I give up and there’s a long pause where no one is talking. I hate that silence. It sends mixed signals, makes everyone uncomfortable, and provides no background noise to mask my burps and farts.
For that reason, I prepare questions in advance. A first date with me becomes a full-fledged interrogation. My favorite question to ask is, “What are you afraid of?” It’s a fantastic icebreaker. You can learn a lot about a guy from his fears.
Fears reveal vulnerabilities and pain. They make it easier to connect. In the past, guys have mentioned spiders, heights, and even death. One dude said he was afraid of the mystery meat in school cafeterias. That date went well until I ordered the meatloaf.
All these fears make sense to me. They’re practical and life-saving. Being fearful of tall buildings or rotten food can keep you safe. Unfortunately, I can’t say the same thing about my fear. My fear is bizarre and unlikely to ever protect me. It spooks me. It keeps me up at night. It makes me suck my thumb and hide under my blanky.
So now you’re probably wondering, “What on Earth scares him so much?” Well, quit being so narrow-minded. My fear isn’t on Earth. My fear is literally out of this world. I’m afraid of aliens.
To specify, I’m talking about the aliens that come from outer-space. I’m not talking about the aliens that come from, say, Cuba.
I don’t care if they come in peace. Aliens totally freak me out. Especially the cliché, cartoony aliens. I don’t like their big black eyes, giant green heads, or awkwardly elongated arms. When I look at pictures of them, I feel a strange discomfort. I don’t know why. Maybe I was abducted in the past or somethi… oh dear god, WHERE IS MY BLANKY?!
When an alien pops up in a movie, I don’t just pee a little; I pee until I have nothing left inside of me and deflate like an inflatable mattress. When I was younger, the film E.T. the Extraterrestrial scared the living air out of me.
Seriously. That movie destroyed me. I’d always be on edge, because one of the lamps in our living room made a shadow that resembled his glowing hand and turdish body. One night, I had a terrible nightmare and woke up screaming, “E.T. tried to finger me!” Yeah… not one of my proudest moments.
Stupid dreams have always been a part of my childhood. I also had recurring nightmares about those talking M&M mascots. Instead of me trying to eat them, they were constantly trying to eat me.
Looking back on it, being afraid of the “M&M people” makes sense. I mean, M&M’s are a registered trademark of the Mars snack-food company. Mars… like Martians! What if the connection isn’t a coincidence? What if our planet has already been invaded?
We must fight back with another bite-sized candy! I’d suggest Reese’s Pieces, but we all know E.T. loves them.