I Feel So Alienated

In my experience, first dates are awkward. When I barely know the other person, it becomes a struggle to keep the conversation going. Inevitably, I run out of things to say and there’s a long pause where no one talks. I hate that silence. It sends mixed signals, makes everyone uncomfortable, and, most importantly, provides no background noise to mask my farts.

For those reasons, I prepare questions in advance. A first date with me becomes a full-fledged interrogation. My favorite question to ask is “what are you afraid of?” It’s a fantastic icebreaker. You can learn a lot about a person from their fears.

Fears reveal vulnerabilities and pain. They make us relatable. In the past, my soon-to-be boyfriends mentioned spiders, heights, and even death. One dude said he was afraid of the mystery meat in school cafeterias. That date would have gone much better if I hadn’t already ordered meatloaf.

All these fears make sense to me. They’re practical and life-saving. Being fearful of “tall buildings” and “rotten foods” can keep you safe. Sadly, my fear doesn’t follow the same logic. It’s bizarre, and it’s unlikely to ever protect me. It spooks me. It keeps me up at night. It makes me suck my thumb and hide under my blanky.

So now you’re probably wondering “what on Earth scares him so much?” Well, quit thinking so narrow-minded. My fear isn’t on Earth. My fear is literally out of this world. I’m afraid of aliens.

To clarify, I’m talking about the aliens that come from outer-space. I’m not talking about the aliens that come from, say, Cuba.

Aliens totally freak me out. Especially the cliché, cartoony ones. I don’t care if they come in peace. They need to back off with their big black eyes, giant green heads, and awkwardly elongated arms.

When I look at pictures of them, I feel a strange discomfort. Maybe I was abducted in the past or somethi… oh dear god, WHERE IS MY BLANKY?!

When an alien pops up in a movie, I don’t just pee a little. I pee so much I have nothing left inside of me and deflate like an inflatable mattress. When I was younger, the film E.T. the Extraterrestrial scared the living air out of me.

Seriously. That movie destroyed me. I was always on edge, because one of the lamps in our living room made a shadow that resembled his glowing hand and turdish body. One night, I had a terrible nightmare and woke up screaming, “E.T. tried to finger me!”

Stupid dreams have always been a part of my childhood. I had recurring nightmares about those talking M&M mascots. Instead of me trying to eat them, they were always trying to eat me. In retrospect, for all the trauma they put me through, those talking M&Ms can bite me.

Being afraid of “the M&M people” kind of makes sense. I mean, M&Ms are a registered trademark of the Mars snack-food company. Yes, Mars like Martians. What if the connection isn’t a coincidence? What if our planet has already been invaded?

We must fight back with another bite-sized candy. I’d suggest Reese’s Pieces, but we all know E.T. loves them.

Leave Comment

Feb 19 7:44 pm

My roommate is also afraid of aliens. She says that is one of the most common things she dreams about. I read when it meant in my dream book. I forget exactly what it said but it made sense because it had something about being different from others which I feel makes sense because she likes girls. Maybe you should look it up if you have a dream book lying around to see if it makes sense for you.

Feb 19 5:36 pm

what were we talking about lol

Feb 19 4:56 am

I don't think that that is such a weird phobia, loads of people are scared of the unknown and aliens are the unknown.

Feb 19 3:36 am

Haha, sorry! But you asked me what raveling was 😛

Aww, cleaning rooms are so boring -.- I try to keep mine clean as I go but it never works.. Right now it's a pigsty. Ahh well though, glad that your aura is cleansed, lmao.

How are you?


Feb 19 3:11 am

So… you're afraid of aliens o.o I don't really believe the whole sort of "alien" thingy. Uh, world of fantasy to me. :S

Feb 18 9:22 pm

Hahaha same with me! I supposed to pay attention to my teacher haha-.-

Feb 18 7:09 pm

It's not called that, it's called something else but it's basically the same thing. I've heard it somewhere, just forgot what the name was =/
Ah, I just got back from swimming. I'm uber tired ><

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Feb 18 4:46 pm

'Cause they have to store cocoa beans somewhere and cockroaches just crawl in and of course they get mixed into it…just think though, it's good for your body O_o I heard that bugs are healthy for you.

Feb 18 2:54 pm

YES thank you! bahaha I have messed up dreams like yours. I have a fear of clowns, though this isn't uncommon, but only because I used to scare the hell out of myself as a kid and dreamed that they came and tried to kill me with a damn butchers knife. *pulls covers over face* I still have to have the closet shut at night because if I don't I get too scared. xD

One time, when I was sleeping my cat jumped on me and I flung it off into the karaoke machine because I thought it was a clown trying to kill me. -_-

Yes, E.T is rather turd-esque looking. Dude, they're out to get you with all these alien-type connections… the mars and the M & M's and whatnot, dun dun dunnn.

Don't eat chocolate before bed, lol. It might provoke some scary dreams.

Feb 18 2:24 pm

No, why have you?

Feb 18 2:21 pm

That is definitely a good point about using M&M products to deter the aliens, but can you honestly think of a product that isn't manufactured by that company?! I'll be thinking about it myself. 🙂

Feb 18 1:12 pm

Haha! I know, but she was still there.
But I guess you have a point. XD

Feb 18 12:57 pm

Yeah i dont know much about monkeys so ill have to do some research on that. Chastity belts eh ? Sounds reasonable.
Thats so true, last thing i want is monkey shit in my face.

Feb 18 12:56 pm

aww man. that sucks. D:
so anyways, i guess my valentine's day misery is somewhat overshadowed by, you know, yours.
at least i wasn't at a conference.
contrary to popular belief, however, misery doesn't love company.


My name is Justin, and you've stumbled upon my home on the web. From writing and coding to theater and cosplay, I'm always up to something. I haven’t been myself ever since I was born.

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