Crappy Birthday!

I might have Herpes.

Okay not really. I don’t have Herpes. At least, I don’t think I do. I only said it because I wanted to get your attention. And boy, did I ever! You were all like, “OMG WTF AM I READING” and I felt judged, and it was great.

Anyway, I do have something similar to Herpes. Like Herpes, what I have is unwelcome and typically goes unnoticed. I forget about it until it pops up and surprises me every year. It’s unpredictable, it causes pain, and it’s highly contagious. Sometimes I just wish it would go away forever.

I’m talking, of course, about my birthday. And be careful. Just from reading this, you might have one too.

So why am I using an elaborate metaphor to compare the aging process to genital warts? Frankly, I think it’s a fitting comparison. I absolutely detest birthdays. I think they’re awful. And since today is my birthday, you’re not allowed to disagree with me.

But seriously, I hate them. As I get older, they frighten me. I don’t want to be reminded that my days are numbered. I don’t need to know how few years I have left on the planet. Yet for some reason, you all want to celebrate my upcoming death. Do you hate me that much?

Birthdays aren’t a big deal. Sure, living on Earth gets harder and harder with each passing day, but is it truly worthy of a celebration? I can understand throwing a party if someone passes the average life expectancy, but celebrating when someone turns 12? What’s so special about that? It’s expected. We were all born on a day. Congratulations for being average.

And all the birthday traditions are so bizarre. Do I really need a cake every year because I was expelled from a uterus?

Do I really need to blow out candles and make a wish? It’s not like the wishes ever come true. When I was a kid, I wished for telekinetic powers like Matilda from the Roald Dahl book. I thought it would be cool to move things around with my mind… but alas, no psychic powers for me.

In retrospect, I’m glad the wish never came true. If it had, I’d be super lazy. I’d be about two hundred pounds heavier and not alive to “celebrate” this day.

But I digress. The concept of sticking candles in a dessert is bizarre and unsettling. I mean, who was the sick asshole that decided to celebrate life with a safety hazard?. When I was a kid, I couldn’t run with scissors or hold a knife… but sure, pass me the flaming death cake.

Ugh. I truly hate that I’m getting older. If I must acknowledge it every year, I should at least put a positive spin on it. I’ll start making it fun and exciting. From now on, I’ll start saying that I “leveled up” like in a video game.

Unfortunately, instead of getting power-ups or amazing Matilda-like abilities, the only “perk” I get each year is increasing lower back pain.

Leave Comment


  • Kat - Kat
    Mar 20, 2009 11:22 pm

    The 3rd paragraph is so funny. hahahahahah


  • Stephanie
    Mar 18, 2009 6:28 pm

    Happy birthday, although it's a liiittle late! It's funny that you mentioned Matilda. I used to watch that movie over and over when I was little and then try to move things with my mind. Glad to know I wasn't the only one! 😉

  • Kristina
    Mar 18, 2009 12:00 am

    Happy belated birthday =) I wonder if that is true that birthdays are good for you. I'm sure it makes you happier so that may lead to a longer life span…can't really say that correlation proves causation though.

  • Chrys
    Mar 14, 2009 4:02 am

    Hello dude 🙂

    I have my very own website now. Woohoo. 🙂 Will you change your link? – That is if you still want to be affies. Hehe.

    And where have you gone? I'm missing your blogs 🙁

  • Monica
    Mar 13, 2009 7:36 pm

    Happy birthday, hope you have an awesome day!

  • Mario
    Mar 13, 2009 5:42 am

    Haha, I know right. How's life been for you, dude? 😀

  • Kecia
    Mar 13, 2009 5:25 am

    That was a very entertaining post! Never heard of birthdays compared to herpes! 😛

  • Julie
    Mar 13, 2009 5:17 am

    Haha you're a funny one. 19 isn't anything to complain about. Birthdays are still fun cause you're not really an adult yet and people still get you gifts.

  • Trypp
    Mar 12, 2009 12:53 pm

    Oh geez, Justin, I’m so sorry I never came by to wish you a happy birthday!! O_O I have a gift for you though… I think it’s a lil girly for a guy, but I kept you in thought anyway :]

  • Stephine
    Mar 12, 2009 12:53 pm

    I'm baaack.
    Where have you been?

  • faze
    Mar 12, 2009 3:46 am

    happy birthday dude!

  • Vincent
    Mar 10, 2009 11:56 am

    Hey Justin 😀
    new site, just to let you know because my host has deleted scratch.mistersparrow haha :p

    please change your link!

  • Stephine
    Mar 09, 2009 11:26 pm

    sugar-kiss.org is now stephinestunna.info (:

  • Celeste
    Mar 09, 2009 3:33 am

    Eeek my site's back… but not in time to celebrate your birthday, I'm afraid 🙁
    But it's okay, ignore the feeble excuse to save myself from the hassle of getting you a present. HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY! I hope you post something interesting soon. School has been boring me to tears lately.

  • Natasha
    Mar 08, 2009 6:54 pm

    Oh my hahaha.. I was so confused for the longest time, Oi vey.

    Anyways! *cough* My birthday is coming up to, except I'm that much more cool than you are because I'm turning 20 ; ) Errgh.. not really.. 20 is the worst to turn because you have that one.. more.. year.. before your legal to get plastered in a bar and not be afraid that you'll slip that your not 21 and get kicked out.. worst.. the popo's called. Hope your birthday is grand, darlin.


  • About

    My name is Justin, and you've stumbled upon my home on the web. From writing and coding to theater and cosplay, I'm always up to something. I haven’t been myself ever since I was born.

    Stay In Touch

    Enjoy what you've seen? Feel free to follow me on social media! I'm so thankful to live in a time where we can use social media instead of social skills.
    © Copyright 2012 - 2019 Justin Hanks , All Rights Reserved.