Crappy Birthday!

I might have Herpes.

Okay not really. I don’t have Herpes. At least, I don’t think I do. I only said it because I wanted to get your attention. And boy, did I ever! You were all like, “OMG WTF AM I READING” and I felt judged, and it was great.

Anyway, I do have something similar to Herpes. Like Herpes, what I have is unwelcome and typically goes unnoticed. I forget about it until it pops up and surprises me every year. It’s unpredictable, it causes pain, and it’s highly contagious. Sometimes I just wish it would go away forever.

I’m talking, of course, about my birthday. And be careful. Just from reading this, you might have one too.

So why am I using an elaborate metaphor to compare the aging process to genital warts? Frankly, I think it’s a fitting comparison. I absolutely detest birthdays. I think they’re awful. And since today is my birthday, you’re not allowed to disagree with me.

But seriously, I hate them. As I get older, they frighten me. I don’t want to be reminded that my days are numbered. I don’t need to know how few years I have left on the planet. Yet for some reason, you all want to celebrate my upcoming death. Do you hate me that much?

Birthdays aren’t a big deal. Sure, living on Earth gets harder and harder with each passing day, but is it truly worthy of a celebration? I can understand throwing a party if someone passes the average life expectancy, but celebrating when someone turns 12? What’s so special about that? It’s expected. We were all born on a day. Congratulations for being average.

And all the birthday traditions are so bizarre. Do I really need a cake every year because I was expelled from a uterus?

Do I really need to blow out candles and make a wish? It’s not like the wishes ever come true. When I was a kid, I wished for telekinetic powers like Matilda from the Roald Dahl book. I thought it would be cool to move things around with my mind… but alas, no psychic powers for me.

In retrospect, I’m glad the wish never came true. If it had, I’d be super lazy. I’d be about two hundred pounds heavier and not alive to “celebrate” this day.

But I digress. The concept of sticking candles in a dessert is bizarre and unsettling. I mean, who was the sick asshole that decided to celebrate life with a safety hazard?. When I was a kid, I couldn’t run with scissors or hold a knife… but sure, pass me the flaming death cake.

Ugh. I truly hate that I’m getting older. If I must acknowledge it every year, I should at least put a positive spin on it. I’ll start making it fun and exciting. From now on, I’ll start saying that I “leveled up” like in a video game.

Unfortunately, instead of getting power-ups or amazing Matilda-like abilities, the only “perk” I get each year is increasing lower back pain.

Leave Comment


  • Jo
    Apr 08, 2009 8:41 am

    Woahh, lol, that DID grab my attention 😀 Too late now, but Happy Birthday anyway hehe 😉
    Anywayss, I'm all open again (finally gahh) Thanks for your comment!

  • Rachel
    Apr 05, 2009 1:55 pm

    Hey, dunno if you're still around, but if you are it'd be awesome if you could change my link to woolisauce.net. Thanks!

  • Princess-Erin
    Apr 05, 2009 5:53 am

    LOL , you caught my attention . . heyy my birthday is coming up I can't waitt!

  • Milan
    Apr 03, 2009 11:50 am

    AHH! I loved Matilda as a kid… 🙂 Great reminder. Haha.

    Well, this is months late, but Happy birthday.

    Great opening. It definitely caught my eye.

  • Cecelia
    Apr 02, 2009 1:05 pm

    Hm, it's a little late to say happy birthday – so instead I will the first to say HAPPY 20TH BIRTHDAY …. 🙂

  • nikki
    Apr 01, 2009 4:07 pm

    just dropping by to say hi! 🙂

  • Leann
    Mar 29, 2009 4:55 pm

    Haha, people who have birthdays live longer? Wow I have never heard of that before. I think that I should just celebrate my birthday more dramatically then XD

  • dianastar
    Mar 28, 2009 9:57 am

    i never felt that way about birthdays, i dont know why.
    this yeah i didnt want to do anything for mine but some friends forced me, i had an ok time i guess, just starting to get repetitive i guess.

  • Melle
    Mar 26, 2009 6:19 pm

    hey Justin!!! what's up with you?

  • tiaralynn
    Mar 26, 2009 7:30 am

    Gotta love your post.
    I want me some herpes. haha
    Happy Late Birthday.

  • Lyan
    Mar 25, 2009 6:48 am

    HAPPY BIRTHDAY! I just came across your blog today and it's an interesting read. 😀

    Yes, people who have more birthdays live longer but oh the horror of having to age. *cringes*.

  • janelle
    Mar 24, 2009 4:29 am

    let's not talk about age please! anyway, belated happy birthday 😀

  • Karyn
    Mar 23, 2009 6:11 am

    You should update more. Its been over a month, if you aren't going to update more you should take your name off of despair. I know this is my I think second time commenting on the same post.

  • Chrys
    Mar 22, 2009 3:33 am

    HELLO HELLO?! Have you died? Please don't have died 🙁 I'm quite fond of your blogs.

    Where have you gone??

  • Carla
    Mar 21, 2009 9:54 am

    Older then ipod huh? lol. I'm older then CDs and the NES! There's always someone older! …and younger… Luckily birthdays don't scare me yet. No herpes for me!

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    My name is Justin, and you've stumbled upon my home on the web. From writing and coding to theater and cosplay, I'm always up to something. I haven’t been myself ever since I was born.

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