Hey Herb, How’s It Hanging?

I talk to myself a lot. For the longest time, I didn’t even realize I was doing it. My friends pointed it out to me, and now that I’m aware, I’m disturbed. I talk to myself when I walk down the street, when I work at my desk, and even when I shop. Hell, I host a one-man talk show on the toilet.

I suppose it has its benefits. Thinking out loud makes me materialize what’s going on in my mind. It helps me focus and make sense of the world. Sure, it also makes me look bat-shit insane, but since I probably am, that’s a fair trade-off.

But why is it assumed that if you talk to yourself, you must be crazy? If I’m yammering on and on, everyone thinks I’m a mental patient. They compare me to Gollum in Lord of the Rings, doting over my precious.

It’s not fair. Why can’t I be my own best friend?

Fortunately, I recently came up with a scheme to make my “me party” look less bizarre. The idea occurred to me during a binge-watching of Looney Tunes. In one episode, Bugs Bunny was having a conversation with a plant to make it grow faster.

It made me think of all the other cartoons, sitcoms, and even commercials that have referenced this silly idea. Does talking to a plant actually make it grow faster? Who knows. All I know is that it’s apparently more culturally and socially acceptable to talk to a plant than it is to talk to yourself.

So now, whenever I leave my house, I carry a potted plant. It’s an Aloe vera, and its name is Sapniqua. Whenever people hear me talking, they’ll assume it’s with Sapniqua, and they’ll know I’m not crazy. Or, well, they’ll know I’m less crazy.

Sapniqua will benefit from the arrangement as well. She’ll grow faster and stronger, because apparently there’s some truth to that theory. Many scientists back the claim, and even MythBusters deemed it plausible.

When you think about it, the basic premise makes sense. Plants need carbon dioxide to grow, and when you talk to them, you breath on them; fulfilling that requirement.

Of course, I’m sure the science is not quite that simple. Sapniqua’s growth will also depend on other characteristics and factors. I’ll have to be extremely careful with her.

It’ll be like I’m dating her. I’ll have to ask her how her day went, make sure she’s safe, and give her plenty of attention. I’ll also have to quit talking to the fern next door.

You might think this all sounds strange, but need I remind you that I’m not the first person to be awkwardly passionate with a plant. Hippies have been hugging trees since the sixties.

I sure hope Sapniqua will love me back. It’d be awful if she hated me. I mean, sure plants benefit from it, but I wonder if they really want us talking to them? Maybe they want to be left alone. Like, if a tree falls in the woods, and there’s no one around to hear it, does it still want somebody to talk to?

If we get in a fight, is it taboo to buy flowers for my flowers?

As you can see, dating a plant is new territory for me. When it comes to being a plant lover, I’m stumped. It’s a deeply-rooted issue. Okay, fine, I’ll stop with the puns before this grows out of proportion, and I bark up the wrong tree.

Wish me luck. I’d knock on wood, but it might be considered an act of domestic violence.

Leave Comment

May 19 4:03 pm

yea your right; I'll try next time (:

May 19 3:59 pm

I think if you seriously talk to a plant, you might be a little crazy. For a crazy person, a little plant growth could look like something substantial. For this reason, talking to plants does work…

May 19 9:44 am

That's like the crazy idea that if babies listen to Mozart they'll be smarter… How exactly does listening to classical music make you smarter? Maybe it does, I've never actually checked it out… I probably should before I laugh at the idea :S

I bought my friend a Cactus and I named him Spike. She then re-named him Squishy, but that's beside the point. I bought greenery 😉 I wonder if she talks to him… Hrm.

May 19 9:43 am

tell me, how was my about me section!? 🙂
well, let me explain first! i am a anti-hannah K? but the other day i was SO bored that i decided to go to the cinema with my friends. we were like: and now what are we going to see?! and we decided to see how was the film of hannah montana! and it wasn't that bad. 🙂

May 19 9:42 am

It's truee !! :D! Lol
Talking to plants DOES make them grow faster!! =P We learnt this is Science a few months ago.
It's not because they think your friends (haha), it's because of the carbon dioxide in your breath when you talk 😀 And Co2 helps with photosynthesis XD!

May 19 4:24 am

AHHH, you found out my secret. I am Mother Nature *nods* 😀
As Mother Nature, I like your blog hehe. HUG TREES!!

May 18 3:17 pm

Oh ha. How are you?

May 18 2:58 pm

It gets VERY hot out here. Orange County is basically the desert, or er, Mexico. It's not too bad all the time, but it the heat can be a bit suffocating…

I love hugging trees! And talking to my plants! But then I am a vegan, so maybe I'm biased. Ha. Ha… Yeah…

May 18 12:13 pm

Lmao yeah i clicked on it, and went through a hell of alot of pop ups!

May 18 11:53 am

My grandmother is fond of plants,tough i never saw her talking to them o_O

May 18 10:58 am

Haha, your blog was quite funny tbh, with all of them little cheesy puns. ^^
I want to get a Fern tree and call it gregory.
I agree with you, before the internet people were probably hooking up with anything that couldn't hit them!


My name is Justin, and you've stumbled upon my home on the web. From writing and coding to theater and cosplay, I'm always up to something. I haven’t been myself ever since I was born.

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