Hey Herb, How’s It Hanging?

I talk to myself a lot. For the longest time, I didn’t even realize I was doing it. My friends pointed it out to me, and now that I’m aware, I’m disturbed. I talk to myself when I walk down the street, when I work at my desk, and even when I shop. Hell, I host a one-man talk show on the toilet.

I suppose it has its benefits. Thinking out loud makes me materialize what’s going on in my mind. It helps me focus and make sense of the world. Sure, it also makes me look bat-shit insane, but since I probably am, that’s a fair trade-off.

But why is it assumed that if you talk to yourself, you must be crazy? If I’m yammering on and on, everyone thinks I’m a mental patient. They compare me to Gollum in Lord of the Rings, doting over my precious.

It’s not fair. Why can’t I be my own best friend?

Fortunately, I recently came up with a scheme to make my “me party” look less bizarre. The idea occurred to me during a binge-watching of Looney Tunes. In one episode, Bugs Bunny was having a conversation with a plant to make it grow faster.

It made me think of all the other cartoons, sitcoms, and even commercials that have referenced this silly idea. Does talking to a plant actually make it grow faster? Who knows. All I know is that it’s apparently more culturally and socially acceptable to talk to a plant than it is to talk to yourself.

So now, whenever I leave my house, I carry a potted plant. It’s an Aloe vera, and its name is Sapniqua. Whenever people hear me talking, they’ll assume it’s with Sapniqua, and they’ll know I’m not crazy. Or, well, they’ll know I’m less crazy.

Sapniqua will benefit from the arrangement as well. She’ll grow faster and stronger, because apparently there’s some truth to that theory. Many scientists back the claim, and even MythBusters deemed it plausible.

When you think about it, the basic premise makes sense. Plants need carbon dioxide to grow, and when you talk to them, you breath on them; fulfilling that requirement.

Of course, I’m sure the science is not quite that simple. Sapniqua’s growth will also depend on other characteristics and factors. I’ll have to be extremely careful with her.

It’ll be like I’m dating her. I’ll have to ask her how her day went, make sure she’s safe, and give her plenty of attention. I’ll also have to quit talking to the fern next door.

You might think this all sounds strange, but need I remind you that I’m not the first person to be awkwardly passionate with a plant. Hippies have been hugging trees since the sixties.

I sure hope Sapniqua will love me back. It’d be awful if she hated me. I mean, sure plants benefit from it, but I wonder if they really want us talking to them? Maybe they want to be left alone. Like, if a tree falls in the woods, and there’s no one around to hear it, does it still want somebody to talk to?

If we get in a fight, is it taboo to buy flowers for my flowers?

As you can see, dating a plant is new territory for me. When it comes to being a plant lover, I’m stumped. It’s a deeply-rooted issue. Okay, fine, I’ll stop with the puns before this grows out of proportion, and I bark up the wrong tree.

Wish me luck. I’d knock on wood, but it might be considered an act of domestic violence.

Leave Comment

May 17 6:34 pm

When I was choosing the color I thought to myself, "How can this be super hard?" Answer: Choose the obvious. xD

May 17 6:33 pm

Haha. I remember my grandma talking to her plants while watering them xD. But my mom talks to them saying "Aww! Look how cute you are!" and sings while watering them. xD

Reading this blog made me want to get a plant. I'm so buying one!!

Thanks for your comment on my site! 😉

May 17 6:22 pm

Okay thanks, wanna be "buddies" ??

May 17 6:03 pm

Send me to coding 😀

May 17 5:29 pm

OMG, that's so awesome! when your done send me like the coding because I kind of want it on my page, ahha. Ye' know? 😛 I wish I could help cause your doing so much more then me 😛

May 17 5:08 pm

I'm thinking talking to plants also helps because our voice must stimulate something. Or maybe they just wanna be loved.. I'm the type of person that names everything, including my car and computer, and when I was younger, I felt that if I paid too much attention to a particular toy that the other ones were sad.

I miss my Barbies now.. Damnit.

How about the pet Rock, too? What's all that about. I never quite understood that. I guess that bachelor is just full of suprises.

And, as for creepy women on eHarmony.. try having someone reply that wants you to wear your shoes whilst having sex in a public place. Yeah. It's a pretty scary place out there.

I'm done for going out into the woods. Let's embrace our tall and smellin' good friends. I'll bring the utensils if anyone feels the need to really get down the earth, mwhahahaha. 🙂

May 17 4:47 pm

Why don'T you want me to click it, if you post it?

Yeah, the webssecene really need some more boys!

May 17 4:15 pm

Haha, I wish. The most exciting thing that ever happens to me is my birthday. ^^

May 17 3:47 pm

Haha, I know 🙁 It did go well, though! I'm back to making content now until finals week.

Ahah! I love those plant puns. xD Heck, puns are funny no matter what it's about.

May 17 3:44 pm

my mom had this orchid, it was a lucky plant she says, and last summer it was dying. She was freaking out, so she kept telling the plant to revive and don't die. After some weeks, its color returned. And it is still alive until now. lol! But I am not sure, if her conversation with the plant worked >.< I think it was just luck! 😀

May 17 3:30 pm

Hi Justin! i like the site, awesome name. nice blog. its punny, lol. haha(: thanks for the comment. your site is nice too. and i dont think id hate you, but youd probably know if i did because i'd go "cough cough, man hoe, cough cough" lol(: maybe trees need love? talking, hugging, listening to its problems. if thats possible. im not sure. im gonna go talk to a tree or something. maybe itll give me something in return.

May 17 3:28 pm

I really like your site, justin! xD

May 17 3:25 pm

Yeah, I never thought of that, when your done tell me and I'll just reupload it to a smaler size 😀

May 17 3:19 pm

Hehe, yeah that's soooo true!

How are you doing boy? I almost wrote girl xD See how used I am to talking to only girls online? xD

May 17 2:58 pm

I was to lazy to do a half decent picture xD
But I think this one is okay, right?
If not tell me, I'll try a bit 😛


My name is Justin, and you've stumbled upon my home on the web. From writing and coding to theater and cosplay, I'm always up to something. I haven’t been myself ever since I was born.

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