Hey Herb, How’s It Hanging?

I talk to myself a lot. For the longest time, I didn’t even realize I was doing it. My friends pointed it out to me, and now that I’m aware, I’m disturbed. I talk to myself when I walk down the street, when I work at my desk, and even when I shop. Hell, I host a one-man talk show on the toilet.

I suppose it has its benefits. Thinking out loud makes me materialize what’s going on in my mind. It helps me focus and make sense of the world. Sure, it also makes me look bat-shit insane, but since I probably am, that’s a fair trade-off.

But why is it assumed that if you talk to yourself, you must be crazy? If I’m yammering on and on, everyone thinks I’m a mental patient. They compare me to Gollum in Lord of the Rings, doting over my precious.

It’s not fair. Why can’t I be my own best friend?

Fortunately, I recently came up with a scheme to make my “me party” look less bizarre. The idea occurred to me during a binge-watching of Looney Tunes. In one episode, Bugs Bunny was having a conversation with a plant to make it grow faster.

It made me think of all the other cartoons, sitcoms, and even commercials that have referenced this silly idea. Does talking to a plant actually make it grow faster? Who knows. All I know is that it’s apparently more culturally and socially acceptable to talk to a plant than it is to talk to yourself.

So now, whenever I leave my house, I carry a potted plant. It’s an Aloe vera, and its name is Sapniqua. Whenever people hear me talking, they’ll assume it’s with Sapniqua, and they’ll know I’m not crazy. Or, well, they’ll know I’m less crazy.

Sapniqua will benefit from the arrangement as well. She’ll grow faster and stronger, because apparently there’s some truth to that theory. Many scientists back the claim, and even MythBusters deemed it plausible.

When you think about it, the basic premise makes sense. Plants need carbon dioxide to grow, and when you talk to them, you breath on them; fulfilling that requirement.

Of course, I’m sure the science is not quite that simple. Sapniqua’s growth will also depend on other characteristics and factors. I’ll have to be extremely careful with her.

It’ll be like I’m dating her. I’ll have to ask her how her day went, make sure she’s safe, and give her plenty of attention. I’ll also have to quit talking to the fern next door.

You might think this all sounds strange, but need I remind you that I’m not the first person to be awkwardly passionate with a plant. Hippies have been hugging trees since the sixties.

I sure hope Sapniqua will love me back. It’d be awful if she hated me. I mean, sure plants benefit from it, but I wonder if they really want us talking to them? Maybe they want to be left alone. Like, if a tree falls in the woods, and there’s no one around to hear it, does it still want somebody to talk to?

If we get in a fight, is it taboo to buy flowers for my flowers?

As you can see, dating a plant is new territory for me. When it comes to being a plant lover, I’m stumped. It’s a deeply-rooted issue. Okay, fine, I’ll stop with the puns before this grows out of proportion, and I bark up the wrong tree.

Wish me luck. I’d knock on wood, but it might be considered an act of domestic violence.

Leave Comment

May 18 10:12 am

Yeah. The people are in my blog are still "in love" but I doubt they will last.

May 18 6:39 am

Hehe, okay xD

Yeah it really seems so! Though it would be good to have some male bloggers out there.

May 18 5:39 am

It does! Something about the carbon. Haha, it's not that difficult! Just being there breathing helps circulate the air and stuff. My god, my science teacher really has gotten to me :O

Haha, thick but sexy unibrow? Those exist??!!

That's tricky.. i'm pretty sure that trees don't mind how long you hug them.. seeing as they probably don't feel you 😛 But if you want to hug a tree, then my goodness go ahead! 🙂


May 18 5:21 am

One, that philosophy question has no answer. It's purely a matter of opinion. There is no actual possible way to arrive at an answer to that question whatsoever.

And your back?! I thought you dieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeed !

May 18 3:30 am

Added ze twitter thangg!
I think the only thing I like in Boom Boom Pow
is the lyrics "its two thousand and late, its two thousand eight" or which ever way around they are.

May 18 3:13 am

LOL I'm sorry for not giving you enough time to laugh XD
thankyou 🙂
yer I was kinda talking about stuff from my last blog but I'd finished the exam when I made the vlog and I just wanted you all to see my reaction as I told you about them XD
yer 10 hour databases =pretty shitty XD but it's all over with for the rest of my life now 🙂

and thankyou 🙂

May 18 12:17 am

Lol XD
More like marshmallows!

May 17 11:28 pm

tree talking* sry.

May 17 11:27 pm

the talking tree reminds me of that family guy episode. you ever watch family guy? good show. 😀

May 17 11:27 pm

Of course it sucks! I hate it! If it snowed again and there was a blizzard, I might just rip out my hair and cry about it later.

May 17 8:09 pm

oh okay haha that's really troublesome but yay for joining Fuse, yes I see all your activity, haha. your about me is the longest i've ever seen. cool pic 8D

May 17 7:54 pm

lmao cause i figured that it's either some bitch thing that shuts my computer down or one of those pop up crazy ass bitch things where the pop ups are non stop. and fucking annoying.
i speak from experience.
i've learned from my past mistakes lmao.

May 17 7:35 pm

I actually didn't click the link.. cause i got scared lmao.

May 17 7:02 pm

Hardy hard hard.
lol well people COULD actually be doing it.

Yea, I really should stop complaining about the layout even though I haven't put up yet… 🙂

Haha, Yes that magic trick sounds IMPOSSIBLE.
I even thought it was impossible when the magician was getting ready to do it. I thought the bike was gonna land on his head, squash his face, and himself just running around screaming like a maniac.

BTW, your site names hilarious. Everything is about pants and wetting them and stuff. xD

Oooooo, look when you post a comment you get to "Wet Your Pants!". YAY! 😛

May 17 6:36 pm

If i had slapped him I may have gotten shot, or arrested lmao.
It was super scary!
So how are you?


My name is Justin, and you've stumbled upon my home on the web. From writing and coding to theater and cosplay, I'm always up to something. I haven’t been myself ever since I was born.

Stay In Touch

Enjoy what you've seen? Feel free to follow me on social media! I'm so thankful to live in a time where we can use social media instead of social skills.
© Copyright 2012 - 2020 Justin Hanks , All Rights Reserved.