Automatic Coupon Dispensers

Please don’t bring your small children to the grocery store. I’m serious. I understand that they’ve ruined your life, but heaven forbid anyone else try to enjoy their time out.

Keep them at home. Get a babysitter or a cage or something. I don’t want to see your obnoxious brats throwing canned soup down the aisles. I don’t want to hear them fussing and screaming for a brand new Barbie doll. I definitely don’t want to discover their used diapers in the bathroom stalls.

There are no exceptions. If you think your son or daughter has never misbehaved, you probably have the worst one.

When I was a kid, I was terrible in stores. I hated shopping so much. All I wanted to do was stay at home and play with my Power Rangers. As soon as we’d get to the store, I’d deliberately piss off my mother by running in and out of those self-opening doors. And once that grew tiresome, I’d start pushing grocery carts at the doors to trigger the sensors. It got violent. One time I almost killed a guy.

Looking back, while at the grocery store, there was only one thing that kept me calm and quiet. And no, it wasn’t duct tape or Ritalin. My kryptonite was the automatic coupon dispensers.

The Automatic Coupon Dispenser is the greatest toy ever invented. Kids race to those things like June bugs to Bug Zappers. When I was a youngin’, I’d be mesmerized by those blinking red boxes of splendor and wonder. I’d rip out coupons and throw them around like confetti.

Unfortunately, as the years went by, the dispensers got smarter. They weren’t quite at Skynet level, but speaking from experience, they were definitely smarter than a fifth grader. With high-tech sensors and timers, they no longer dispensed multiple coupons at once.

I was devastated. I was defeated. I needed that extra coupon. I needed that extra twenty cents off of Rogaine. And no, I wasn’t a balding twelve year old. I just wanted the satisfaction of pulling that damn coupon.

At least I always had my previous coupons. I had quite the collection. My favorite coupon was for a free “female enhancement” product. To this day, I have no idea what it was supposed to enhance. And frankly, I don’t want to know.

My relationship with automatic coupon dispensers was a tad unsettling. Why was I so obsessed with them? Why did we share such a strong connection? Perhaps I was a coupon dispenser in a past life.

Yup, that explains everything. In my past life, I was an automatic coupon dispenser. I’d spend my days hiding in grocery store aisles. As families would come by, I’d unsuspectingly flash them and shoot my load. Kids loved it. They’d get pleasure from having something to play with.

Yikes. That sounds creepy. On second thought, maybe I was a pedophile in my past life. Maybe I was Michael Jackson.

Yup, that explains everything even better. I was definitely Michael Jackson. I’m sure you’re doing the math and skeptical because we were both alive at the same time. Well, we actually weren’t. The real Michael Jackson died long before I was born. Record labels didn’t want to lose money, so they replaced him with a random white girl. Hence the appearance.

I should have given her my female enhancement coupons.

Leave Comment

May 23 9:15 pm

Ah I totally remember those things, and I LOVED them too. Greatest things ever.

And thanks 😀

May 23 7:47 pm

My friends just liked playing with fire a lot… so toilet paper looked like the way to go XD

It was quite a big sorta kiosk though… hahaha, even a microwave and everything in there. *nods*

2000 words is about 3-4 pages. Depends how small the font is, haha. :3

Well, you know what's uber funny… my boyfriend's on a Dvorak keyboard and he goes "AOEUID". XD

tiff k
May 23 6:38 pm

Hey thanks for the drop! hahaa

Lolz I never had that experience. I guess I was such a boring kid inside the supermarket! lolz haha. Or we don't have that here.

haha lolz at your explanation of how MJ is now. Poor poor man. 🙁


May 23 5:28 pm

Thank you!
I thought the same, but I ended up dancing to it and playing it on the speaker with the highest possible volume on my birthday. xD

May 23 5:22 pm

Hi justin. how are you? omg, the videoes with your friend is really cool. keep up that work 😉 peace.

May 23 4:47 pm

I like my boys nice, but still a lil bit bad. Not like the dumbass I described in my blog, but just a different kind of bad.. I don't know how to describe xD

May 23 4:46 pm

I've never seen them where I live at so I wouldn't know XD.
I always got pulled from the computer or from a book or anything I was doing to go grocery shopping with my mom and WTF?! ARE FEMALE ENHANCERS

May 23 2:14 pm

Oh my gosh. I used to be OBSESSED with those coupon dispensers!!! To this day, I cannot enter a grocery store without managing to get, like, twenty coupons. Haha. I've become a pro with the motion sensors. ;]

May 23 2:07 pm

I don't think I've seen a coupon dispenser where I live before, but it sure sounds fun. 😀

May 23 3:03 am

Haha! I want a Pink Power Ranger toy, funfunfun.
I've never touched nor seen a coupon dispenser, is it really that awesome? I'm jealous. 🙁

May 22 9:55 pm

Oh that's so not fair. I have never even heard of a coupon dispenser, seen one, touched one. T__T what have I been missing out on all this time… ? 8D

May 22 9:43 pm

Ahaha dude, I always loved those coupon dispenser things! I would always take them, and then get told by my mom to put them back in the little plastic thingy on top. But I had this one little tote bag at my house where I would keep old expired coupons that my grandma would give me 😛 I played store with them! Twas fun. -_-

May 22 2:18 pm

Oh man, I remember those days myself… I would do the EXACT SAME THING. x) I miss those things… Chances are, if I ever saw one in a grocery store, I'd probably have a relapse and tear it from its dispenser all dramatic-like. LOL. Speaking of Power Rangers, I'd even sometimes pretend I was one while I was doing it. 😛 Hell yes.

Ahh, the good ol' days… <3 hehehe

May 22 9:38 am

We don't have those in grocery stores in the UK! But I go to the US a lot because all my family went there. The first time we went to the grocery sotre, my brother and I had a competition to see who could get the most coupons. He got yelled at too 😛

May 22 9:36 am

I totally was the same type of kid. haha. When they started with the motion sensors I would try and trick the machine and just casually walk by it. I would get all into it and actually act like I was shopping, thinking that the machine would know if I was faking it. Like, "Oh…is he shopping? Wait…NO! He is lying! No coupon for you!"

I would also act like I was shopping when employees would notice what I was doing. I would just circle around the isle each time, trying to be smooth. I hated when they would run out of coupons. Boo on that. It should be endless damn it. Just like this comment!

<3 loves


My name is Justin, and you've stumbled upon my home on the web. From writing and coding to theater and cosplay, I'm always up to something. I haven’t been myself ever since I was born.

Stay In Touch

Enjoy what you've seen? Feel free to follow me on social media! I'm so thankful to live in a time where we can use social media instead of social skills.
© Copyright 2012 - 2020 Justin Hanks , All Rights Reserved.