Automatic Coupon Dispensers

Please don’t bring your small children to the grocery store. I’m serious. I understand that they’ve ruined your life, but heaven forbid anyone else try to enjoy their time out.

Keep them at home. Get a babysitter or a cage or something. I don’t want to see your obnoxious brats throwing canned soup down the aisles. I don’t want to hear them fussing and screaming for a brand new Barbie doll. I definitely don’t want to discover their used diapers in the bathroom stalls.

There are no exceptions. If you think your son or daughter has never misbehaved, you probably have the worst one.

When I was a kid, I was terrible in stores. I hated shopping so much. All I wanted to do was stay at home and play with my Power Rangers. As soon as we’d get to the store, I’d deliberately piss off my mother by running in and out of those self-opening doors. And once that grew tiresome, I’d start pushing grocery carts at the doors to trigger the sensors. It got violent. One time I almost killed a guy.

Looking back, while at the grocery store, there was only one thing that kept me calm and quiet. And no, it wasn’t duct tape or Ritalin. My kryptonite was the automatic coupon dispensers.

The Automatic Coupon Dispenser is the greatest toy ever invented. Kids race to those things like June bugs to Bug Zappers. When I was a youngin’, I’d be mesmerized by those blinking red boxes of splendor and wonder. I’d rip out coupons and throw them around like confetti.

Unfortunately, as the years went by, the dispensers got smarter. They weren’t quite at Skynet level, but speaking from experience, they were definitely smarter than a fifth grader. With high-tech sensors and timers, they no longer dispensed multiple coupons at once.

I was devastated. I was defeated. I needed that extra coupon. I needed that extra twenty cents off of Rogaine. And no, I wasn’t a balding twelve year old. I just wanted the satisfaction of pulling that damn coupon.

At least I always had my previous coupons. I had quite the collection. My favorite coupon was for a free “female enhancement” product. To this day, I have no idea what it was supposed to enhance. And frankly, I don’t want to know.

My relationship with automatic coupon dispensers was a tad unsettling. Why was I so obsessed with them? Why did we share such a strong connection? Perhaps I was a coupon dispenser in a past life.

Yup, that explains everything. In my past life, I was an automatic coupon dispenser. I’d spend my days hiding in grocery store aisles. As families would come by, I’d unsuspectingly flash them and shoot my load. Kids loved it. They’d get pleasure from having something to play with.

Yikes. That sounds creepy. On second thought, maybe I was a pedophile in my past life. Maybe I was Michael Jackson.

Yup, that explains everything even better. I was definitely Michael Jackson. I’m sure you’re doing the math and skeptical because we were both alive at the same time. Well, we actually weren’t. The real Michael Jackson died long before I was born. Record labels didn’t want to lose money, so they replaced him with a random white girl. Hence the appearance.

I should have given her my female enhancement coupons.

Leave Comment

May 24 3:07 am

The only thing I enjoyed about groceryshopping are the candies I forced my parents on buying. XD I'm not familiar with automatic coupon dispensers, I don't think we have that here. :s those are very weird coupons you got. XD

May 24 2:30 am

Oh no. My bird!
Did it taste good?

May 24 2:14 am

Oh my goodness I'm Rofl-ing at the Michael Jackson thing! "He probably died in the eighties!" LOL!

I don't particularly know what you're talking about with the coupon dispenser, but I do remember my favorite part of going grocery shopping (which is still my favorite part). Getting the meat and cheese samples in the deli section! 😀

May 24 1:48 am

Oh. If you didn't try it, you should. Spread the word! I mean, the other word; not the bird word.

May 24 1:38 am

Hey if I ever get famous I'll make sure you dye your hair hot pink a long with me so I can show the world Justin The Amazing BFF.

May 24 12:21 am

My grandma would need some of your coupons.

And I was just joking about perez obv haha

May 24 12:18 am

I've never heard of that kind of thing…lol.

May 23 11:48 pm

Those are very good points! Well we will see who is first when I have the form up 🙂

May 23 11:14 pm

Not sure how long it was, but the mini-maze area was only about 4-6 ft long. It only had bricks in the way to make up the "walls' 😛 Pretty simple maze, but it had to pick up a box and carry it to a "drop zone" and drop it there. I kind of wish we got there, but my team's robot kept running into the blocks, LOL.

Oh man! I totally loved those automatic coupon dispensers as a kid. LOL. They were like.. the next best things in grocery stores.

May 23 10:52 pm

I got blamed for being loud, and mouthing off to the teacher and principal. It was stupid…

Everything's okay, but next time I see him… lol.

LOL. Female enhancement coupon.. ew.. ahaha.

May 23 10:52 pm

Hahha. 😉 you bet it is. XDD

May 23 10:48 pm

Sorry if that ruined your life. 😛 It really was the best experience ever.

May 23 10:32 pm

Why couldn't my grocery store have that? That sounds so cool. Better than those money-eating 25 cent toy dispensers, which I believe now is about a dollar. Damn.

May 23 10:15 pm

WOAH really? I would like to try a keyboard like that XD.

I thought a kiosk was the best way to describe it. It's like a small building-thing and you just go up to the counter and buy. LOL. Because it isn't quite a cafeteria. At all. Because there is nowhere to sit, etc. 😛

May 23 9:52 pm

i never enjoyed grocery shopping too =))

idk,somewhere in the middle of optmistic and pessimistic


My name is Justin, and you've stumbled upon my home on the web. From writing and coding to theater and cosplay, I'm always up to something. I haven’t been myself ever since I was born.

Stay In Touch

Enjoy what you've seen? Feel free to follow me on social media! I'm so thankful to live in a time where we can use social media instead of social skills.
© Copyright 2012 - 2020 Justin Hanks , All Rights Reserved.