Automatic Coupon Dispensers

Please don’t bring your small children to the grocery store. I’m serious. I understand that they’ve ruined your life, but heaven forbid anyone else try to enjoy their time out.

Keep them at home. Get a babysitter or a cage or something. I don’t want to see your obnoxious brats throwing canned soup down the aisles. I don’t want to hear them fussing and screaming for a brand new Barbie doll. I definitely don’t want to discover their used diapers in the bathroom stalls.

There are no exceptions. If you think your son or daughter has never misbehaved, you probably have the worst one.

When I was a kid, I was terrible in stores. I hated shopping so much. All I wanted to do was stay at home and play with my Power Rangers. As soon as we’d get to the store, I’d deliberately piss off my mother by running in and out of those self-opening doors. And once that grew tiresome, I’d start pushing grocery carts at the doors to trigger the sensors. It got violent. One time I almost killed a guy.

Looking back, while at the grocery store, there was only one thing that kept me calm and quiet. And no, it wasn’t duct tape or Ritalin. My kryptonite was the automatic coupon dispensers.

The Automatic Coupon Dispenser is the greatest toy ever invented. Kids race to those things like June bugs to Bug Zappers. When I was a youngin’, I’d be mesmerized by those blinking red boxes of splendor and wonder. I’d rip out coupons and throw them around like confetti.

Unfortunately, as the years went by, the dispensers got smarter. They weren’t quite at Skynet level, but speaking from experience, they were definitely smarter than a fifth grader. With high-tech sensors and timers, they no longer dispensed multiple coupons at once.

I was devastated. I was defeated. I needed that extra coupon. I needed that extra twenty cents off of Rogaine. And no, I wasn’t a balding twelve year old. I just wanted the satisfaction of pulling that damn coupon.

At least I always had my previous coupons. I had quite the collection. My favorite coupon was for a free “female enhancement” product. To this day, I have no idea what it was supposed to enhance. And frankly, I don’t want to know.

My relationship with automatic coupon dispensers was a tad unsettling. Why was I so obsessed with them? Why did we share such a strong connection? Perhaps I was a coupon dispenser in a past life.

Yup, that explains everything. In my past life, I was an automatic coupon dispenser. I’d spend my days hiding in grocery store aisles. As families would come by, I’d unsuspectingly flash them and shoot my load. Kids loved it. They’d get pleasure from having something to play with.

Yikes. That sounds creepy. On second thought, maybe I was a pedophile in my past life. Maybe I was Michael Jackson.

Yup, that explains everything even better. I was definitely Michael Jackson. I’m sure you’re doing the math and skeptical because we were both alive at the same time. Well, we actually weren’t. The real Michael Jackson died long before I was born. Record labels didn’t want to lose money, so they replaced him with a random white girl. Hence the appearance.

I should have given her my female enhancement coupons.

Leave Comment

May 24 10:31 am

we finish high school at 16 and then go on to sixth form college for 2 years until we're 18 then we go onto university. It's so confusing I know so I think that equates to going to college in America (using my gossip girl knowledge 😀 )
LMAO yer it was a little exhausting haha
lol I loved going shopping with my parents as a kid I always got new toys and things. I love going now I get things like clothes and perfume XD
female enhancement coupons WTF?!!?!?!?!?! ahhaa

May 24 8:38 am

So you shot your load at little kids. Very nice! XD I was never fascinated by those machines, I was more happy to just walk through the automatic sliding doors and get on customers nerves who wanted to come in, but couldn't cause I was making the doors open and close that is the most fun.

Wait, wait, wait, if you were Michael in a past life who the hell was your Tito?

May 24 8:36 am

OMG! your video is SO funny! LOOOOOOL 🙂 i like RINontheROX but JUSTINontheROX is SO much funnier! hah. congrats to your friend too, both of you are the best 🙂 you're really good, you should make a program in TV! huhh. i also watched "womanizer" and i can't stop laughing!

May 24 7:38 am

Hehe, I totally agree on that!

May 24 7:26 am

ahah i'msure she was just confused. this is her first EVER litter of kits that she's had.. hehe. so yeahh.

May 24 7:03 am

Yeah, hopefully everything will go back to the plan and I will get to graduate here. 🙂

Haha.. I never had coupon dispensers when I went grocery shopping as a kid. Although, now that I am tall enough to reach they they are quite irresistible.

Female enhancement? What on earth? I don't really wnat to know, lmao.


May 24 5:52 am

yea your right; at least the people who signed up I know would actually use it xD

May 24 5:50 am

Hah I still enjoy food shopping these days! I remember always getting to bite some of the French bread and grapes whilst i sat in the trolley.

That's hilarious rofl! What do they think you want to do with that coupon?!

In my past life I was sooo a sloth.

Bahah! I love the MJ comment.

May 24 5:07 am

I am back, I tried to comment last night but the captcha would agree with what I put. :0

This blog entry is hilarious. It wouldn't surprise me if Michael Jackson had been replaced by a white girl to get record labels money. 😛 They'd do anything to get them more sales.

I've never used a coupon machine before. I liked going to the supermarket 'cause I get to play with the scanny machine. You could scan products yourself to see how much they were. I think it's still there actually. Kids love machines more than sweets. 😛

You should have kept the enhancement coupon and sold it on Ebay. 😀

May 24 4:55 am

Yes, but they laughed at my amazing story – gutted!
How are you?!

May 24 4:50 am

Heheee :3 *hugs back* (I am actually in a poopy mood because my tutor is a pooface haha)

May 24 4:49 am

ahhh xD what time is it ?

May 24 4:22 am

Haha NO. XD. Well a joke is okay. But don't make fun of me, pleeeease *hold up hands in front of face*

May 24 4:18 am

I never liked grocery shopping. The people at the checkout really scared me, STOP SMILING all I want to do is put my groceries in the bags and go home. 🙁 I get creeped out way to easily. XD

May 24 3:41 am

yeah, I know xD I was just so pissed of msn last night. It didn't let me access. :@ I'm fine thanks.. and you`?


My name is Justin, and you've stumbled upon my home on the web. From writing and coding to theater and cosplay, I'm always up to something. I haven’t been myself ever since I was born.

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