22

MAY

Automatic Coupon Dispensers

Please don’t bring your small children to the grocery store. I’m serious. I understand that they’ve ruined your life, but heaven forbid anyone else try to enjoy their time out.

Keep them at home. Get a babysitter or a cage or something. I don’t want to see your obnoxious brats throwing canned soup down the aisles. I don’t want to hear them fussing and screaming for a brand new Barbie doll. I definitely don’t want to discover their used diapers in the bathroom stalls.

There are no exceptions. If you think your son or daughter has never misbehaved, you probably have the worst one.

When I was a kid, I was terrible. I hated shopping so much. All I wanted to do was stay at home and play with my Power Rangers. As soon as we’d get to the store, I’d deliberately piss off my mother by running in and out of those self-opening doors. And once that got boring, I’d start pushing grocery carts at the doors to trigger the sensors. It got violent. One time, I almost killed a guy.

It didn’t stop there. Being the chunky child that I was, I often threw tantrums for Chips Ahoy cookies. I’d sneak all sorts of tasty snacks and candies into my mother’s shopping cart. On occasion, she would buy me treats without even realizing it.

Looking back, there was only one thing that kept me calm and quiet at Target. And no, it wasn’t duct tape or Ritalin. My kryptonite was those automatic coupon dispensers.

The Automatic Coupon Dispenser was the greatest toy ever invented. Kids raced to those things like June bugs to Bug Zappers. When I was a youngin’, I’d be absolutely mesmerized by those blinking red boxes of splendor and wonder. I’d rip out coupons and throw them around like confetti.

Unfortunately, as the years went by, the dispensers got smarter. No, they weren’t quite at Skynet level, but speaking from experience, they were definitely smarter than a fifth grader. Using high-tech sensors and timers, they no longer dispensed multiple coupons at once.

I was devastated. I was destroyed. I needed that extra coupon. I needed that extra twenty cents off of Rogaine. No, I wasn’t a balding twelve year old. I just wanted the satisfaction of pulling that damn coupon.

Oh well. At least I still had my previous coupons. And trust me, I had quite the collection. My favorite was a coupon for a free “female enhancement” product. To this day, I have no idea what it was supposed to enhance. And frankly, I don’t want to know.

Clearly my relationship with automatic coupon dispensers was a tad unsettling. Why was I so obsessed with them? Why did we share such a strong connection? Perhaps I was a coupon dispenser in a past life.

Yup, that explains everything. In my past life, I was an automatic coupon dispenser. I spent my days hiding in grocery store aisles. As families came by, I’d unsuspectingly flash them and shoot my load. Kids loved it. They’d get pleasure from having something to play with.

Yikes. That sounded awful. On second thought, maybe I was a pedophile in my past life. Maybe I was Michael Jackson.

Yup, that explains everything even better. I was definitely Michael Jackson. Don’t rule it out because we were alive at the same time. We actually weren’t. The real Michael Jackson died long before I was born. Record labels didn’t want to lose money, so they replaced him with a random white girl. Hence the appearance.

I should have given her my female enhancement coupons.

Leave Comment

108 Comments

  • Angela
    May 30, 2009 4:55 am

    Thanks so much! 😀


  • tiffany
    May 30, 2009 4:54 am

    hopped! haha 😛 thanks for the comment!


  • emma
    May 30, 2009 4:30 am

    Haha, that's okay. 🙂 So how are you?


  • chiui
    May 29, 2009 11:52 pm

    i dont remember playing with those things when I was a kid.. cause I always sleep in the grocery cart.
    yes! Michael Jackson is dead! hahahah lol!


  • Karee
    May 29, 2009 7:50 pm

    Your blogs are so hilarious! xD
    Grocery shopping is never pleasant when I have to do it with my folks….
    "NO KAREE! YOU CAN'T HAVE THE DOUBLE-CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES! LOW-FAT CRACKERS ONLY!~" Gah. D:
    And yes, female enhancers are boob growers; I think. 0_o


  • Lea
    May 29, 2009 5:42 pm

    ahaha, suree.

    oh btw, female enhancers are boob enhancers. what else would they be for? lol

    really? its soo cute. you watch movies like 24/7, where do you find the time to do this? ahaha but i wanna see Up, i think im gonna see it tomorrow.


  • Lucy
    May 29, 2009 4:49 pm

    umm, im not too sure.


  • Lucy
    May 29, 2009 2:48 pm

    marry someone in my family 🙂

    LOL!


  • Kayla
    May 29, 2009 2:11 pm

    Haha…I still play with those when I see them. I don't care if I'm 19. 😛


  • lucy
    May 29, 2009 12:32 pm

    im sure it will be normal buffet food 🙂
    i <3 cocktail sausages.


  • Lauren
    May 29, 2009 10:52 am

    Yeah! It really is quite fun they are so adorable, plus they're fostered by my neighbor so it doesn't seem like they crave attention, like spoilt kids, they just love any bit of attention they receive, lol they really are so adorable.


  • lucy
    May 29, 2009 8:47 am

    well, i dont actually know what kind of food, im hoping to find out tho! lmao :):)


  • Vincent
    May 29, 2009 8:25 am

    PEDOPHILE! Get the burning sticks and pitchforks! Haha.
    Great to see your back again! You kinda vanished for a while :p


  • Lea
    May 29, 2009 7:57 am

    aww, youre so lucky. i would've seen that but i have school, so it sucks.

    ahaha yup. tping is fun. i'd love to see the look on someones face when they see what happened to their house.

    lol, i'll follow you back


  • Bella
    May 29, 2009 7:29 am

    You have a great sense of humour 🙂
    I hated grocery shopping when I was a kid, because I always wanted stuff I wasn't allowed lol.

    And the comment "boys are gay" in my post you commented on, I have a bad habit of calling things gay, and I do not mean it at all in a derogatory way towards gay people. One of my guy friends is gay, and he calls EVERYTHING gay, and thats where I picked that up.


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