22

MAY

Automatic Coupon Dispensers

Please don’t bring your small children to the grocery store. I’m serious. I understand that they’ve ruined your life, but heaven forbid anyone else try to enjoy their time out.

Keep them at home. Get a babysitter or a cage or something. I don’t want to see your obnoxious brats throwing canned soup down the aisles. I don’t want to hear them fussing and screaming for a brand new Barbie doll. I definitely don’t want to discover their used diapers in the bathroom stalls.

There are no exceptions. If you think your son or daughter has never misbehaved, you probably have the worst one.

When I was a kid, I was terrible. I hated shopping so much. All I wanted to do was stay at home and play with my Power Rangers. As soon as we’d get to the store, I’d deliberately piss off my mother by running in and out of those self-opening doors. And once that got boring, I’d start pushing grocery carts at the doors to trigger the sensors. It got violent. One time, I almost killed a guy.

It didn’t stop there. Being the chunky child that I was, I often threw tantrums for Chips Ahoy cookies. I’d sneak all sorts of tasty snacks and candies into my mother’s shopping cart. On occasion, she would buy me treats without even realizing it.

Looking back, there was only one thing that kept me calm and quiet at Target. And no, it wasn’t duct tape or Ritalin. My kryptonite was those automatic coupon dispensers.

The Automatic Coupon Dispenser was the greatest toy ever invented. Kids raced to those things like June bugs to Bug Zappers. When I was a youngin’, I’d be absolutely mesmerized by those blinking red boxes of splendor and wonder. I’d rip out coupons and throw them around like confetti.

Unfortunately, as the years went by, the dispensers got smarter. No, they weren’t quite at Skynet level, but speaking from experience, they were definitely smarter than a fifth grader. Using high-tech sensors and timers, they no longer dispensed multiple coupons at once.

I was devastated. I was destroyed. I needed that extra coupon. I needed that extra twenty cents off of Rogaine. No, I wasn’t a balding twelve year old. I just wanted the satisfaction of pulling that damn coupon.

Oh well. At least I still had my previous coupons. And trust me, I had quite the collection. My favorite was a coupon for a free “female enhancement” product. To this day, I have no idea what it was supposed to enhance. And frankly, I don’t want to know.

Clearly my relationship with automatic coupon dispensers was a tad unsettling. Why was I so obsessed with them? Why did we share such a strong connection? Perhaps I was a coupon dispenser in a past life.

Yup, that explains everything. In my past life, I was an automatic coupon dispenser. I spent my days hiding in grocery store aisles. As families came by, I’d unsuspectingly flash them and shoot my load. Kids loved it. They’d get pleasure from having something to play with.

Yikes. That sounded awful. On second thought, maybe I was a pedophile in my past life. Maybe I was Michael Jackson.

Yup, that explains everything even better. I was definitely Michael Jackson. Don’t rule it out because we were alive at the same time. We actually weren’t. The real Michael Jackson died long before I was born. Record labels didn’t want to lose money, so they replaced him with a random white girl. Hence the appearance.

I should have given her my female enhancement coupons.

Leave Comment

108 Comments
Iris
Jun 01 12:03 am

Well the thing was I used to be a grocery kid specifically the pushcart-type of kid. I always loved pulling groceries off the shelves and surrounding myself in tin cans, packs and cartons.

HAHA! Yeah you're so stalking me on Twitter, though I don't have an idea why you followed me in the first place. Btw, though I love the color red your blog is much darker for me. Mysterious-type eh? Anyway, thanks for commenting on my last post Justin!


Courtney
May 31 5:32 pm

Well flying off is when there's so much force you let go even if you're holding on with everything you've got. Then you go underwater, and you hope you come back up..


sarahc
May 31 3:13 pm

I too enjoyed those coupon dispensers. To this day I still like to peek at the coupon and pull it out even if I don't need it, haha. Let the store employees come after me if they are so inclined. =) I'm sure I can plaster on my bitch face, lmao.

Did you drive around in your ice cream truck waiting for the kiddies and then kidnap girls and cut off their hands for your daughter so she could play piano? Wait.. that's a creepy movie and now I forget the name! Dammmmit.


EKa
May 31 10:33 am

I remember those! They brought such joy to my life! My grocery store doesn't ave them though… I would run up to them, pull five coupons out and give them to my momma. "Here, go save 25 cents on Healthy Choice!" And don't even get me STARTED on the deli order numbers!

Pft. Michael Jackson. I have a theory that he's "Biological" transformer. xP


Manda
May 31 9:14 am

I loved those things!!


Tasha
May 31 8:42 am

LOL your blog made me laugh, haha. I have no idea what these automatic coupon dispensers are… I don't think we have them in England. :p haha, thanks for giving me a smile!


maryam
May 31 8:31 am

hey thanks! xD
lol, yeah! I LOVED THOSE. i loved it when the coupon would come out, and then you snatch it out, and then comes another LMAO.. 🙂


Justin R.
May 31 6:23 am

Yeah, I still like the pull the coupons out to date. 😛


Trevor
May 30 9:13 pm

Hahaha, this is most likely one of my favorite posts ever typed on the internet. Hilarious. Great writer :]


kibumie
May 30 6:49 pm

I don't usually go to a grocery store with my mom, but when I do, I usually beg for coins to buy a toy from a vending machine or a chocolate. lol.. when I was a kid though.. 🙂
your post was fun to read~


Dragon Blogger
May 30 6:13 pm

Your blog is witty, funny and I enjoyed reading your posts, but why do you highlight certain words without them being links? is this for some sort of SEO tactic, or is it just for effect?


Jay
May 30 1:50 pm

AMEN!
i remember those beauties 🙂 i loved them to death. i started collecting them because i thought they were simply amazing.
the coupons were pretty stupid though. some of the products on there, i never knew existed, but heck, those dispensers were heaven.


beckee
May 30 8:11 am

OMGSH! The coupon dispensers!! lol OF COURSE ! lol i used to love just standing there and pulling out coupons – for what idk. lol and what ARE female enhancements for? … hmm lol


nicole
May 30 6:53 am

Haa.
That was quite a lot of music for one blog, I never noticed that until now.
White Lies was rather good, I did indeed enjoy it.
And twitter-wise I shall totally stalk you back.
And, also, I've never seen a coupon dispenser in my life. Never.
I couldn't even hazard a guess at what that would look like.
But by golly, they do sound rather fantastic.


Lauren
May 30 5:32 am

Haha, I wish I could get one, but – It's like.. you can hand them back when they poop.
Lmao.
I can't do baby poop or baby sick, so thank god I could hand 'em back when that happened o_o"


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My name is Justin, and you've stumbled upon my home on the web. From writing and coding to theater and cosplay, I'm always up to something. I haven’t been myself ever since I was born.

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