Why do Hurricanes have names? I can understand giving names to planets, household pets, and maybe even male genitalia, but it makes no sense to give names to tropical storms.
Isn’t it a tad odd to be on a first-name basis with an evil whirlwind of doom? Hell, they don’t give names to tornadoes, snowstorms, earthquakes, blizzards, or any other natural disaster… So why not just say there’s a hurricane coming? That’d do it for me.
In the beginning, there were only female names. My guess is that angry men did all the naming — a bunch of losers who’d been in painful relationships and wanted to get even with women for reducing their lives to rubble (get it?).
These days, in order to be fair, they alternate the names of men and women. The current lineup for 2009 is Ana, Bill, Claudette, Danny, Erika, Fred, Grace, Henri, Ida, Joaquin (I have trouble saying this one out loud), Kate, Larry, Mindy, Nicholas, Odette, Peter, Rose, Sam, Teresa, Victor, and Wanda.
These names are too passive. Who’s gonna take a warning about Hurricane Rose seriously? She sounds like my grandmother. Same for Hurricane Grace. Nothing sounds more catastrophic than “GRACE.”
If they must name hurricanes, they should at least call them something scary. I’d be quicker to heed the warning for Hurricane Psycho-Killer-Demon-Possessed-Alien-Little-Kid-Zombie-Fleshed-Porcelain-Doll-Decepticon.
And with a name like “Fred,” you’d think the hurricane was a playful little puppy or a kindly Uncle. People shouldn’t be sympathizing with hurricanes. If scary names don’t work, why not use derogatory nicknames that better characterize their rude nature?
One year it might start with “Hurricane Asshole” and continue with “Hurricane Bitch” and “Tropical Storm Crackwhore.” This would totally liven up weather reports:
“Now Bob with the weather. Bob, it looks like Hurricane Dickwad is headed right for the Florida Keys.”
“That’s right, Jim. What a prick.”
If we adopt this naming convention, there are enough insults to last for decades. And if we ever run out, or just for variety, we could always switch to German.