My Hurricane is a Boy!

Why do Hurricanes have names? I can understand giving names to planets, household pets, and maybe even male genitalia, but it makes no sense to give names to tropical storms.

Isn’t it a tad odd to be on a first-name basis with an evil whirlwind of doom? Hell, they don’t give names to tornadoes, snowstorms, earthquakes, blizzards, or any other natural disaster… So why not just say there’s a hurricane coming? That’d do it for me.

In the beginning, there were only female names. My guess is that angry men did all the naming — a bunch of losers who’d been in painful relationships and wanted to get even with women for reducing their lives to rubble (get it?).

These days, in order to be fair, they alternate the names of men and women. The current lineup for 2009 is Ana, Bill, Claudette, Danny, Erika, Fred, Grace, Henri, Ida, Joaquin (I have trouble saying this one out loud), Kate, Larry, Mindy, Nicholas, Odette, Peter, Rose, Sam, Teresa, Victor, and Wanda.

These names are too passive. Who’s gonna take a warning about Hurricane Rose seriously? She sounds like my grandmother. Same for Hurricane Grace. Nothing sounds more catastrophic than “GRACE.”

If they must name hurricanes, they should at least call them something scary. I’d be quicker to heed the warning for Hurricane Psycho-Killer-Demon-Possessed-Alien-Little-Kid-Zombie-Fleshed-Porcelain-Doll-Decepticon.

And with a name like “Fred,” you’d think the hurricane was a playful little puppy or a kindly Uncle. People shouldn’t be sympathizing with hurricanes. If scary names don’t work, why not use derogatory nicknames that better characterize their rude nature?

One year it might start with “Hurricane Asshole” and continue with “Hurricane Bitch” and “Tropical Storm Crackwhore.” This would totally liven up weather reports:

“Now Bob with the weather. Bob, it looks like Hurricane Dickwad is headed right for the Florida Keys.”

“That’s right, Jim. What a prick.”

If we adopt this naming convention, there are enough insults to last for decades. And if we ever run out, or just for variety, we could always switch to German.

Leave Comment


  • Aimee
    Jul 07, 2009 9:34 pm

    Oh I know, I don't see the point. Maybe its because when they write history junk, they at least have a name for it. As for Michael Jackson, sorry I spooked ya! I also found while reading through comments on another video (an even longer one) You can actually see his face AND the part that scared me I don't know if you noticed but as they walk through the door (first half) you see this person dressed like him and his hair then when they walk in…the door frame they went through you can see that same person peek around the door frame *shivers* I'm freaked out too! Its probably just consequence but…I dunno…

  • Christine
    Jul 07, 2009 6:24 pm

    This is hilarious! I agree as well. Someone named Claudette reminds me of a wholesome girl who I'd call to babysit for me or something, not a storm which would destroy my house! And you're right, we never name blizzards. How come only hurricanes?

  • Jhase
    Jul 07, 2009 3:55 pm

    -hugs back- Totally needed that. Seriously, I was about to blow up the internet when I had to do that all over. But I'm good now, getting the pages made then I'll work on adding the writing, and what not.

  • Felicia
    Jul 07, 2009 2:07 pm

    OKAY. Let me just start off by saying I totally agree with this post, and have been waiting to rant about this with someone for a while.

    Hurricane names like "Larry" sound SO incredibly dopey. It makes me want to roll my eyes until they fall out.
    When I think of a name like that, my mind automatically flashes to an old man in suspenders, with a plastic walker and a post-nasal drip.

    Hurricane names should be bequeathed to storms to give their potential victims motivation to evacuate their homes! Not solely for identity purposes.

    What's going to make you want leave your house more? A summer visit from sweet little grandma hurricane Odette, or a blast in the ass from Tropical Storm Crackwhore?!

    The least weathermen can do is give these hurricanes a surname of….like…."motherfuckin''", or something.

    "Motherfuckin' Wanda is 40 degrees east, and will hit Florida on Tuesday!"

  • Jill
    Jul 07, 2009 12:47 pm

    Lol I think they started with female names because it was the whole "Fear the wrath of a woman scorned.." or whatever the hell that phrase is that I can never ever remember. Joaquin is a freaking awesome name for a hurricane, I am now envious of a natural disaster lol.

  • kitty
    Jul 07, 2009 12:32 pm

    Actually it makes more sence than naming male genetalia.

    But it is kinda 'cute' to say " Mindy destroyed my house". Altough tropical storm crakwhore is pretty cool too >_>

  • Julianne
    Jul 07, 2009 5:16 am

    haha I love your writtings, they're hilarious! It might also been funny to name them after terrible celebrities.

  • Gillan
    Jul 07, 2009 3:11 am

    dude i like your ideas on hurricane names.they should get your suggestions ^^
    anyway,i'm back!!!

  • graciesdesigns
    Jul 06, 2009 7:31 pm

    I know…can you imagine if we didn't sympathize with the hurricane. "Hurricane Ida, please don't tear the roof off. I just got it replaced last week." LOL!!!!

  • Jhase
    Jul 06, 2009 2:20 pm

    Hahahaha! Yes, Hurrican Dickwad is a perfect name. You are right though. I do not understand the need to name a hurricane. I guess to classify them if there are a lot, but still the passive names and stuff, that much I don't get. I mean who would be scared of Hurricane Lulu? Now Hurricane Psycho Bitch, we'll talk about some fear then.

    Although, I'd be afraid of Hurricane Seacrest.

  • Paige
    Jul 06, 2009 2:13 pm

    I never want to hear a hurricane with my name coming. That would just depress me.
    But, I don't have to worry about hurricanes, thank God. Just tornadoes, earthquakes and mines collapsing under my house. XD

  • Beckii
    Jul 06, 2009 2:12 pm

    ROFL. You make a good point. Why /do/ we name hurricanes? If they're going to name them things like "Grace" "Rose" or "Ida" ( which all sound like old women ) they should at least warn us of hurricanes in a frightening voice. xD

  • Lillie
    Jul 06, 2009 1:53 pm

    Why is there a name o_o. That's like, naming your printer "Princess". *cough* I couldn't think of a name.

    Hehe, I laughed a bit @ "Decepticon" :3. neeshdg. There should be a hurricane Lillie :D. People would take that one seriously ^__^

  • Liesl
    Jul 06, 2009 1:51 pm

    Lmao. You have a good point here… They pick the worst names. Hurricane Rose? Hm, maybe they're trying to make them sound less intimidating or maybe they just like the names, haha. And Joaquin is a Spanish name; it's not that hard to pronounce 😉 haha. But I'm guessing they pick all types of different names since here in the US we have different cultures, names, etc. However, Rose and Grace would not be very good for hurricanes. "Hurricane Dickwad" is more like it, hahaha.

  • Eka
    Jul 06, 2009 1:24 pm

    German would be appropriate for naming hurricanes. Anything in German sounds intimidating.

    They pick weird names. Odette? Ida? Joaquin?! If they ever get up to Joaquin, I think they should use Joaquin Phoenix's face instead of the normal hurricane symbol when they're tracking it on the weather channel. Just his head, spinning around in the gulf. Bwahahaha!

    Pft! Hurricane dickwad!

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