My Hurricane is a Boy!

Why do Hurricanes have names? I can understand giving names to planets, household pets, and maybe even male genitalia, but it makes no sense to give names to tropical storms.

Isn’t it a tad odd to be on a first-name basis with an evil whirlwind of doom? Hell, they don’t give names to tornadoes, snowstorms, earthquakes, blizzards, or any other natural disaster… So why not just say there’s a hurricane coming? That’d do it for me.

In the beginning, there were only female names. My guess is that angry men did all the naming — a bunch of losers who’d been in painful relationships and wanted to get even with women for reducing their lives to rubble (get it?).

These days, in order to be fair, they alternate the names of men and women. The current lineup for 2009 is Ana, Bill, Claudette, Danny, Erika, Fred, Grace, Henri, Ida, Joaquin (I have trouble saying this one out loud), Kate, Larry, Mindy, Nicholas, Odette, Peter, Rose, Sam, Teresa, Victor, and Wanda.

These names are too passive. Who’s gonna take a warning about Hurricane Rose seriously? She sounds like my grandmother. Same for Hurricane Grace. Nothing sounds more catastrophic than “GRACE.”

If they must name hurricanes, they should at least call them something scary. I’d be quicker to heed the warning for Hurricane Psycho-Killer-Demon-Possessed-Alien-Little-Kid-Zombie-Fleshed-Porcelain-Doll-Decepticon.

And with a name like “Fred,” you’d think the hurricane was a playful little puppy or a kindly Uncle. People shouldn’t be sympathizing with hurricanes. If scary names don’t work, why not use derogatory nicknames that better characterize their rude nature?

One year it might start with “Hurricane Asshole” and continue with “Hurricane Bitch” and “Tropical Storm Crackwhore.” This would totally liven up weather reports:

“Now Bob with the weather. Bob, it looks like Hurricane Dickwad is headed right for the Florida Keys.”

“That’s right, Jim. What a prick.”

If we adopt this naming convention, there are enough insults to last for decades. And if we ever run out, or just for variety, we could always switch to German.

Leave Comment


  • milu
    Jul 12, 2009 9:51 pm

    Well..i am wonder too…i dont understand why, how about if u call same with hirricane ? ><

    BTW i loved ur hello kitty outifit haha is un on there?? ^^;;

  • Axi
    Jul 12, 2009 6:22 pm

    Hurricane Psycho-Killer-Demon-Possessed-Alien-Little-K

    Nice. I always wondered why they named hurricanes myself. Seriously, there is no point. We should start naming everything we own. And why do we have to go by the name that we were given at birth? Doesn't make sense. Shouldn't we name ourselves, it is part of who we are after all? But then again we might have an idiot name himself something stupid, like another Captain Fantastic Faster Than Superman Spiderman Batman Wolverine Hulk And The Flash Combined. That kid was insane. I don't think that anyone will accept him after he hands in his job application.

    Hurricane Dickwad sounds so much better than all the other names that people have come up with. =)

  • Monica
    Jul 12, 2009 4:47 pm

    people name what's under their pants??

    woah. Anyways, I think there was one named after me. How very flattering. But yeah. Naming hurricanes = stupidity. There are other things in this world worth naming like iPods (mine's Carlisle ^^), coke cans, finger nails etc. LOL. Jokes. '

    I don't even understand why humans get names. O_o?

  • Cecilie
    Jul 12, 2009 8:06 am

    Haha, great post:D Yeah, I don't get why they name hurricanes either. It's weird!

  • Hayley Morgan
    Jul 12, 2009 8:00 am

    hahahahahaha, that's hiliarious.

  • Bea
    Jul 12, 2009 7:03 am

    oh thank you! I am still planning for the summer. And you had any plans for summer?

    Incidentally, I must warn you that I changed my site. To go to my new site click on my name.

    I agree with you. Why do they name hurricanes? It's not like they name every Thunderstorm, tornado, etc. .. The truth is that the names that you are proposing not producing scary.

  • Tammie
    Jul 12, 2009 4:08 am

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. I actually laughed for ages after reading this blog. What an awesome thing to think about. Especially when its winter holidays and theres nothing to do.

    Good point though. Naming things is stupid

  • Aly
    Jul 12, 2009 1:08 am

    LMAO! I can just imagine the reactions you'd get from the ultra-conservatives though if hurricanes really did have names like Dickwad and Crackwhore. 😛 Bummer though…it might actually make the weather reports worth watching for a change! 😉

    Oh and btw, cyclones get names too actually…here in Australia at least. But they get the same sort of boring/stupid names as American hurricanes anyway…stuff like Tracy and Larry and other blah names like that. Actually Tracy was a total bitch…completely destroyed one of our capital cities many years ago. There's an Australian history lesson for you! Probably never would have needed to know that, but you do now anyway. Kinda like high school algebra. 😀

  • Lillie
    Jul 11, 2009 2:19 pm

    well, i was never a really connected person in biology. I got like B's on my lab o_O; I used to connect photosynthesis to my hair. HARR. My teacher sure got a nice laugh at that.

    Well, how is Justin *poke*?

  • Kat
    Jul 11, 2009 11:43 am

    ahhahhaa glad you liked the vid LMAOOOOOO they do give them some funny names hurricane mindy hurricane wanda LMFAO!!!!!!! joaquin isn't that like joaquin phoenix dont you say it like "wa keen" idk

    lolololol they should give them names like that it would be sooooo funny

  • Yilla
    Jul 11, 2009 11:26 am

    You know what cracked me up? When you said "Hurricane Psycho-Killer-Demon-Possessed-Alien-Little-K
    I don't think it counts as said when you typed it but you get what I mean. Lol. Decepticon.
    So what brought this little rant? A nearby hurricane is coming?

  • Ben
    Jul 11, 2009 4:55 am

    Your award is ready!

  • Lee
    Jul 10, 2009 5:46 pm

    Hurricane Grace? My mom would never do that! D:<
    Lol, sorry if my website is boring you to death; my life is way too busy, and my job as a junior tutor was really frustrating lately.
    How's your life? 😀

  • Mimi
    Jul 10, 2009 1:47 pm

    Ahahaha, I second using insults as hurricane names, it certainly make the weather reports a lot more entertaining to watch.

  • Francine
    Jul 10, 2009 11:12 am

    U__U I dropped out because im so cool and such a coward. hehe. thanks anyway.

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